Hiatus

(hi-a'tes) A gap or interruption in space, time, or continuity; a break.

“All the variety, all the  charm, all the beauty of life
is made up of light and shadow”
~ Leo Tolstoy

A few friends have asked in recent weeks, about the lack of blog posts this year. I tell them inspiration hasn't really hit. At least not enough to actually sit down and write. Why, they asked?

Half-joking I responded, “Because I'm happy!”

Only half-joking, because isn't it sometimes true that inspiration for creative outlets hits more when we are struggling, lonely, heart-broken, and looking for a way to connect with others? I've experienced that before with writing music as well.

Only half-joking, because -and perhaps more to the point- if I sit down to write I'm afraid one of two things would happen: I would bore and/or annoy my readers with gushings of my relationship and boasts of how happy I am in it...

...Or -and again perhaps even more to the point- I would find all those places that are currently being overshadowed by the happiness. The places where there is still struggle, where this is potential for heart-breaking, where there is lingering need for connection.

The places that might have the capacity to overshadow the happiness.

And I'm enjoying the happiness! I don't want to risk overshadowing it with all the other stuff.

Funny thing about those shadowed corners though: they are attracted to and eventually find their way to the light...

There is a belief among some people that our emotional struggles manifest in physical dis-ease. For example, sore throats are believed to be a physical manifestation of a need to talk about or express emotional pain and struggle. Sore throats are something I have struggled with multiple times a year for many years, figuring as a singer it must just be a strain on that part of my body; a weakness in my immune system. During the years I was writing regularly, however, I noticed a decrease in the occurrence of my sore throats.

At this point in my hiatus – 6 months since the last published post – I find myself on anti-biotics for strep throat. The ultimate sore throat, yet never have mine progressed so far before.

Not willing to risk overshadowing my happiness, yet not wanting to feel knife blades every time I swallow either, I wonder...

Is it possible to allow the happiness and struggle/heart-break/loneliness to sit side-by-side, sharing the light and shadow? Is it possible to allow them to support each other: giving strength and gratitude to what brings happiness; giving strength and hope to face the struggle?

I believe it must. Because life is made up of happy and struggle, there really is no escaping that. Because moving back and forth completely between the two can be exhausting and, I think, damaging emotionally, mentally, physically in the long run. Because together they can both be so much more.

So once again I sit to write. And a smile crosses my face as tears well up in my eyes. But my snack of tea and trail mix go down smoothly, easily, and without knife-blade-pain!