...say you love me.

“I think there's a difference between loving the idea of someone,
and actually loving who they really are.”
~ Jeff Eastin, screenwriter

When I left the house one morning last month, I noticed the snow had already been brushed off my car. A few days earlier I came home after work to dinner ready on the stove, the wine bottle corked ready to be poured. The week before, he had hung a shelf in the bathroom while I was out. He makes my bed and washes my dishes and most Mon evenings he insists on taking my garbage and recycling to the curb. He bought me a stapler just because I said I didn’t have one. He wraps his arms around me when certain parts of my current reality get to be too much and drys my tears with a whisper, “I'm here”. He says all those perfectly timed cheesy lines like “you always look good” which used to make me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I can talk and laugh with him for hours without realizing it’s been hours. And fall asleep safely in his arms.

He tells me not to tell my friends about all this, for fear a group of their angry boyfriends will pound down his door for showing them up. I’m telling people anyway. And truth be told, he secretly likes that I do!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I remember the very first time I said it, scared to my core. The second time it just popped out. Both times I said it first, but it took me almost a year. The third time was faster; maybe I was older and wiser. Maybe I just wanted it to be so, to say it back. This time… I am hesitating.

          “Please don’t say you love me, ‘cause I might not say it back

          Doesn’t mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that.
          There’s no need to worry when you see just where we’re at.
          Just please don’t say you love me, ‘cause I might not say it back.”

Hesitating, yet also feeling like I am missing so many opportunities to say it and hear it; to feel it when it’s said out loud.

          “And fools rush in, and I’ve been the fool before.
          This time I’m gonna slow it down, ‘cause I think it could be more,
          The thing I’m looking for…”

Hesitating, because what if I’m wrong like the first time when it took him a month to say it back; or the second time when he said it back then walked away and hurt me anyway; or the third time… when I walked away. How many times do we get to say it, to feel it, to hear it in one lifetime?

          “Summer comes, winter fades, here we are just the same
          Don’t need pressure, don’t need change, let’s not give the game away.”

Hesitating, because perhaps there is something I am yet waiting for, some word or action or sign, to know it’s ok. As much as one can truly and fully know it’s ok…

          “Heavy words are hard to take, under pressure precious things can break
          And how we feel is hard to fake, so let’s not give the game away…”

Hesitating because, maybe I hope that with this whisper on paper, I won’t have to be the one to say it first.

 


          “There used to be an empty space, 
          a photograph without a face
          But with your presence and your grace,
          everything falls into place…”
            ~ Gabrielle Aplin,  
               Please don't say you love me

 








(PS. He said it first!)

All I got for Christmas was my two front teeth!

  

 

 

 

Improved health provides an opportunity to manifest a better life.
~ Craig M. Becker

It’s been years since I went to the dentist. And the optometrist. Like, I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t remember how many, years.

Ever since I was no longer eligible for my parents “dependents” benefits, and had no work-place benefits of my own, the expense of health-related appointments like the dentist and optometrist always fell somewhere below drinks with friends, travel, clothes, a car, phone, and computer on the priorities list. I had good intentions many times over. But something else always came up. And my mouth and eyes never seemed to complain with any real significant discomfort. Thankfully.

Recently though I’ve been re-thinking this priority list of mine. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older; because I’m getting wiser; because I’ve settled for the time being in one place long enough to consider getting a new dentist in a new city. But I’ve started to think about my health in a slightly different light.

The World Health Organization in 1948, defined health as: 

          “…a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being 

          and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”

At the time this definition was considered forward-thinking in that it included mental and social well-being in addition to physical health. However more recently, in an article called How should we define health? (2011), it’s limitations were criticized along with a push to include the ability to cope with and adapt to life’s stresses and challenges. This again takes our understanding of health beyond the medical model’s focus on absence of disease, and highlights the inter-relatedness of the mental, emotional, social, and physical aspects of well-being.

I like to think I can consider myself a healthy person. At least relatively speaking, no matter which definition you choose to adhere to. But I also think there is always more we... I could do to improve my overall health and well-being.

One of the ways I want to be passion-filled about ME this year is to explore some of the health-related expenses I’ve been avoiding. Because really, what good are the drinks with friends, travel, clothes, a car, phone, and computer if I don’t have good physical health in order to truly enjoy it all?!

So I decided: the monetary Christmas gifts I received this past holiday season (along with a few Christmas-spirited tips from before leaving that job) are going to be invested in my health.

Starting with the dentist.

Perhaps within that focus I can find a small sum to reward my health efforts with something more... fun! Or perhaps enjoying all that I already have with a renewed sense of health – manifesting a better life – will be reward enough...

 

You'll have to excuse me now, it's time to get flossing!

Be Passion-filled

 
 Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping… waiting… and though unwanted… unbidden… it will stir… open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us… guides us… passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have?  

 Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. 



If we could live without passion maybe we’d know some kind of peace… but we would be hollow… Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we’d be truly dead.
~ Joss Whedon, Screenwriter and Director

 

Another year complete, another year begins.

Last year’s New Year blog identified an excited energy I’d had around the year to come; needing it to be fantastic, with an expectation that certain things may finally start to fall into place. In truth there were many moments from 2014 that I am gladly leaving behind. But there are many other breathless experiences and memories that I am looking forward to remembering, continuing and growing as 2015 unfolds!

And in doing so, this year ~ I want to Be Passion-filled!

I want to give way to the passion that is stirring inside me, that I have sometimes let leak out in small or big doses, and to let it guide me ~
 

          guide me to opportunities to be vulnerable,

                          …to moments measured with breathlessness,

                                 …to spaces that are filled with even more passion.

I want to be passion-filled about the things that are truly important; the things that truly matter.

I want to be passion-filled about my relationships.
I want to be passion-filled about my career.
I want to be passion-filled about ME.

So here I grow again... looking forward with fear and excitment to all I may see, do, and experience in the 12 months ahead.

~ Rosa Nochette Carey