I want to be a Selfish-people-pleaser

"Every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling "This is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!" 

And every day, it's up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, "No. This is what's important."
~ Iain S. Thomas. 

What's harmful gets no more of my attention. I'm not wrestling with the ignorant; instead, I'm celebrating real heroes, steps in the right direction, victories, progress and love. I choose what's good and fun and smart and supportive from here on in. Now I'm fighting like I know I'm winning - because I am.

~ Asia Nelson

One of the things I am loving about my close friendships in my 30s is that many of us are struggling with some learning-/growth-potential experiences; together!

Let me clarify – it's not that I love that we are all struggling with sh!t... Though I know the growth/learning potential is good and important, I also know the struggling still sucks. Rather I love walking beside, hearing about, and watching the learning & growth that happens! It's so exciting to hear someone say “Ok, I get it now... that's why that happened, this is what I'm taking from it, and here's what I'm gonna do about it.”

(No surprise then for the career I've now chosen)

The other thing I love about it – sometimes in a friend's a-ha! moment, I learn something too!

Case in point just the other week when Friend said something along the lines of “I want to stop worrying about everyone else, and every day do only what is going to make me happy!”

Sound a little selfish?

Maybe.

But maybe not when you put it in the context of what makes Friend happy: spending time with family, friends, alone; working, playing, relaxing...

If what makes Friend happy is not only ensuring self needs/wants are met, but also those of loved ones – then what makes Friend happy may actually become Selfish-people-pleasing. When Friend is happy, loved ones are happy (at least in the context of Friend)... when loved ones are happy, Friend is happy.

It's a balance thing – all things in moderation?!

So if Friend wakes up and decides today I want to spend time with family/Partner/friend(s) – both self and family/Partner/friend(s) benefit from the time spent together.

Self-pleased + people-pleased = selfish-people-pleasing!

If Friend wakes up and decides today I want to spend time by myself – the self benefits from the rejuvenation time. BUT – family/Partner/friend(s) indirectly benefits from this too because Friend will likely be more rested, balanced, and eager to spend time with and support family/Partner/friend(s) when/if they need it.

Self-pleased + indirectly (and/or eventually) people-pleased = Selfish-people-pleasing!

I think it's important though, that the Selfish part comes before the people-pleasing. We hear this all the time in the social services field – self-care, self-care, self-care is pounded into our heads. Because we can only take care of others (people-please) when we first take care of ourselves (Selfish).

I can hear some of my friends and family who have children balking with a “Yeah, but...” And while I know I can't wholeheartedly defend this idea in that light because I am not a parent – and there will certainly be exceptional times when the people-pleasing will need to trump the Selfish (whether a parent or not) – I will argue that a) (hopefully) caring for your child(ren) does in some ways fit under the category of “things that make me happy”; and b) I'll say it again: if we are not taking proper care of ourselves we are less able to take proper care of our loved ones – including our children. Added bonus: you are potentially teaching your children that taking care of self is important and valuable; and helping them to become Selfish-people-pleasers too!

 

 

So dear friends, if you feel so inclined to benefit from another's a-ha! moment as I would like to, then I encourage you to yank your hand back and become a Selfish-people-pleaser. And allow your loved ones the freedom and space to do and be the same. Perhaps we can all benefit from every day doing what is going to make me happy!