“It is always
important to know when something has reached its end.
Closing
circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what
we call it;
what matters is to leave in the past those moments in
life that are over.”
I could hear myself
re-telling the story again – the story that had defined and
impacted much of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences of dating,
love and relationships ever since it's events unfolded years ago.
It's a story I've re-lived so many times I could recite it backwards,
upside down, and in my sleep if I needed to (and maybe even have).
But it wasn't the content that caught my attention this time anyway.
It was the hesitating tone of my voice, the defeated slump of my
shoulders, and the cautious knots in my gut.
Why so serious? Why
so anxious? Why so protective of the details?
Why was it still such a
big deal?
Suddenly I realized:
I was judging myself
by my past.
This story that I
eventually told to anyone who would listen – new friends, new
potential suitors – had become something I used to explain myself.
To explain who I was and why I acted or reacted in certain ways. To
explain why I was single and not in a hurry to commit, label, or even
trust.
I was essentially
using that and other stories from my past as a way to define my
present and direct my future. Judging myself by my past.
I realized after
that story-telling experience that I didn't want to live in my past
anymore. That story – like all the stories from my past – are
only individual pieces of my life. Yes, they have shaped who I am.
But I had done work on acknowledging how and moving on. I had started
to open space for new stories to begin in my present, and to allow
for a change in direction for my future.
Perhaps the next
step to letting go was lifting the weight of those stories, releasing
the judgment and truly living where I was: here and now.
Somewhere in the
months that followed I must have started doing that. It's difficult
to describe exactly how freeing it feels. But there seems to be less
pressure in my life for certain things to be “a big deal”; and
more space in my being to react organically to the changing
directions. For example, I'm finding that this time while swapping
life-stories with someone new I am more selective about what I share
and when; yet less protective of the details when conversation leads
that way. It no longer matters as much. Because I am who I am today,
not yesterday. And I am likely going to change direction many times
over before I get to where I'm going tomorrow.
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