The first snowfall
of winter can be a memorable event...
as well as a most painful
one.
It brings back
bittersweet memories year after year.
~ Doodle Max
It snowed the other
night. One of the first real storms of the winter. I like those kinds
of nights... though not usually so early in the season!
I like those kinds
of nights, because the world feels different. Peaceful, clean, fresh,
sparkly, beautiful... almost magical even!
It started snowing a
year ago around this same time, give a day or two. I know because a
year ago on Saturday I made the 3-hour long trip towards my home
town. Towards a world that was beginning to feel different, but for
an entirely different reason.
This weekend marks a
year since Mom went into the hospital the first time. An anniversary,
of sorts I suppose.
What do you do with
an anniversary that you would really rather not acknowledge?
An anniversary that isn't really cause for celebration?
An anniversary that isn't really cause for celebration?
I made that trip
again last week, in part to help put away the fall decorations and
bring out the Christmas season. I decorated the family Christmas tree
while Mom directed from the couch, frustrated with the weariness that
chemo leaves on the body. In one moment of clenched teeth hiding “If
you don't like how I'm doing it, then do it yourself”, I was
mixed-emotion glad for one moment where the world felt the same.
It is difficult to
know how exactly to look forward at an uncertain future. In a world
that feels so different today then it did a year ago, it is difficult
to look back. I have moments of impatience with this waiting game we
started a year ago. A game that does not seem to be nearing an end.
So no, I do not feel like celebrating nor even acknowledging this
anniversary.
Instead I remember
one of the first real snow-falls of last season, days after that
first hospital visit. The simple, innocent brillance of freshly
fallen snow had offered a patch of blue among the clouds that darkened our weekend. And
once again I will allow myself – if only for a second – to get
lost in the almost magical beauty of a night when the world feels
different...
1 comment:
Hi Beth Ann....
I was thinking this week that it must be almost a year since life changed so drastically for your family. I've been wondering how she is doing, but I can read that life is still uncertain...I'm sorry.
I do pray for your Mom daily...she's a beautiful aunt and I'm inspired by her fight.
Remembering with you....
Juanita
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