forgotten what it feels like...

 

It's no surprise at all that in English (and I am told in other languages as well) we speak of “falling” in love. I think it is the only way to get there. None would go freely, if we knew ahead of time what love is going to ask of us... Have no doubt, though: great love is always a discovery, a revelation, a wonderful surprise, a falling into “something” much bigger and deeper that is literally beyond us and larger than us.

~ Rohr, Richard (2011).

Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life.

Sometimes I think I've forgotten what it feels like... to be in love. To love someone, and allow yourself to be loved.

Maybe the later is actually the harder of the two.

I thought I knew – the smiles, the laughter, the butterflies, the comfort, the security and safety. Wanting to spend all your time together, and talk for hours. Cutting the conversation when you ran out of time, not because you ran out of things to say. Never running out of things to say. But savouring the silent moments together none-the-less. The first thought before light creeps through closed eyes. The last phone call of the day. Hurting, lifting, strengthening. Never feeling like you've had enough.

But all that seems to fade... eventually. And then what's left?

The quiet in the chaos, the constant hum in the calm.

Now, I think before I leap. I cry before I laugh. I block before I feel.

The space between me and someone else feels heavy, thick, solid.

I tell myself I won't settle for less; I'm waiting for that connection. I tell myself I'll know it when I see it, when feel it.

But when I think I feel it, it all falls apart. I push away the potential before it even shows itself. Or deny it even when it does. 

I don't know which is worse - wondering "what if I get hurt again", or wondering "what if I miss it next time, because I've forgotten what it feels like..."