Rude Reminders

Mom went back to the hospital the other day. With what turned out to be the flu.

It had been too easy to forget sometimes. Or not to forget so much as to down play it. Since the first treatment, she had been doing relatively well! Moments or hours of discomfort, fatigue, nausea, and other side effects. But in general, feeling ok. At least that's how she would sound over the phone.

I started out calling daily, then every other day. Now, sometimes 3 or even 4 days will pass before we are able to catch each other on the phone with time to talk. She has felt more comfortable and sometimes well enough to get out of the house or to socialize with visitors who come to her. I have my own things going on here, in my life. Three hours away.

So sometimes it is easy to forget. Easy to down play it.

But as with most things in life, a reality check often arises sooner than later. The text from oldest Brother was a reminder of many things:

I live 3 hours away.

And so cannot be the one to take Mom to the hospital, nor to relieve Brother in order to take my turn.

The flu is never just the flu when one is also under-going treatment for cancer.

My Mom has cancer.

Is the reminder meant to say “Don't get too comfortable with this new normal. Another may be just around the corner.”

Is it meant to jar one back to sending positive energy, thoughts, prayers, or whatever word you want to use to describe that kind of support. The kind of support you offer when you can't be there. In person. Driving to the hospital.

Is it meant to slow you down yet again. To not push the healing body beyond what it is busy doing right now – healing. To slow you down yet again to enjoy the moments of life as they attempt to speed by. The blessings, the successes, the struggles, the set-backs.

Is it not so much a reminder of anything rather quite simply, though not so simple at all, the flu.

I went for a run on the treadmill after work that night. Because I had excess energy that I didn't know what to do with. Because I wanted to out run some of my anxiety. The characters on the TV show distracting me were talking about survival strategies. Because it is about survival – all of it, really. The healing, the fighting, the forgetting, the positive thoughts/prayers, even the anxiety. It's about feeling the feelings because then you know you are alive, no matter what. You are alive! You are surviving!

My anxiety often sits on my chest, makes me feel like I can't take deep breaths. Which makes me feel like I can't calm myself. It makes me feel breathless. Which in the end provides an opportunity to slow down, “...to face, learn from, grow with, and enjoy every moment, every change, every challenge, every opportunity that life throws at me...” Isn't that what I said I wanted to do in my first blog this year?!

Sometimes it is the rude reminders that help me remember to Be Breathless.