Attitude Adjustment

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church....a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.”

~ Charles R. Swindoll

I'm sure we've all met at least one – that person with whom certain interactions brings out a side of our personality that we aren't necessarily proud of. That we maybe don't fully know how to deal with, alter, or react to.

It's definitely happened to me. One time in particular was at a cottage with old and new friends. I decided not to return the following year if the group was the same, because I didn't like who I was and how I acted and reacted with one of the other guests. It affected my enjoyment of the trip, and I'm sure it affected others' enjoyment as well. It wasn't a side of myself I wanted to emerge again, especially on vacation.

It's happening again now. With someone I can't so easily “decide not to go to the cottage” with; someone I see on a more regular basis. Someone whom I would not be surprised if the feelings are somewhat mutual; and who I'm sure can “justify” their frustration/annoyance just as easily as I can “justify” mine. Whether fully and truly valid or not.

But I realized something the other night. This situation is likely not going to change for some time. And it has more than once ruined my mood for an evening. That last point is the rub... Stronger than my frustration and annoyance with this person and our interactions, is my frustration in myself for allowing it to have the effect of ruining my evening. Why give this person; this situation; this relationship as it is so much power? It actually only increases my frustration with is displaced onto this individual, increasing my frustration again, and further ruining my mood... and so the cycle continues.

It is true that we cannot change or control another person. The only person we can change or control is ourselves. And while we may not always be able to choose or control how we feel about a certain person or situation – we can choose and control what to do about it; how to react in the moment and how it affects us (longer term).

Truth: I don't fully know how to deal with, alter or react to this or similar situations because even though it's happened a few times, the situations have either been brief, far apart, or with a clear end-point that the need to figure out how to deal with, alter or react was seemingly unnecessary. I simply chalked it up to life's experiences and moved on.

That isn't so easy to do this time.

So perhaps I have an opportunity here. An opportunity to change the way I deal with, alter, or react in this type of situation. An opportunity to change my attitude about this situation from one of on-going and increasing frustration, to one of increased personal awareness and growth. And considering earlier blog posts, we all know how much I love an opportunity for increased personal awareness and growth ;)

Wish me luck!

 

...we're a nice normal family.

 

This sign hung in the kitchen doorway at the cottage. “We're going to be in the next blog with that as the title, aren't we?!” asked my brothers with a chuckle during a late night card game. Little did they know how right they'd be. :)

My parents celebrated their 40^th wedding anniversary this past spring. And so as a family we rented a cottage on Rice Lake for a week. One whole week we spent together – all 16 of us.

We laughed together. We ate and drank together. We cooked and cleaned and played together. We swam, fished, read stories (to the kids), played baseball, played endless games of Trouble, made S'mores around the campfire, and “ooh'd and awed” at the fireworks. I cuddled with my nieces way too early in the morning, and tried to avoid the restless kicks of a 4yr old throughout the night. For 7 days we tried to forget that the outside world existed, and just enjoyed each others company in a way that one-day family dinners – interrupted by rushing to get the kids home to bed – doesn't allow. We celebrated 40 years; we celebrated each other; we celebrated the tie that bonds us.

...we're a nice normal family.

A friend commented, “40 years, wow. Is it a happy marriage, 40 years later?”

I flashed an understanding smile at the cynicism behind the question, and responded: “Yeah. I mean all couples and families have their ups and downs, but yes. They're happy... inspirational! Something I likely will never have that long myself...”

My family – we are relatively close. That's how I describe it. We share some laughs, we share some tears, we keep some secrets. We love each other quietly yet deeply; and that shines brightest when one or more of us are openly struggling with something – in “crisis mode” I call it.

For example, my parents have welcomed me back to their living space time and time again over the last 10 years when I had no where else to go; and when my heart was broken 7 years ago my protective big brothers stepped up and offered to break some legs. To this day they still get tense and wary when I refer back to that time, or talk about another who has or may hurt me.

Truth is, I have loved watching my relationship with my parents and each of my brother's change over time – as we have experienced our own life stages and events; with the introduction of sisters-in-law and children; amidst travels and moves that have taken us away from and/or brought us back to each other; through successes, challenges, and growth. Not always close, not always harmonious, but always present.

...we're a nice normal family.

Reading this sign, I had to ask myself “But what is 'normal' anymore, really?”

Families come in all shapes, sizes, and colours these days – marriages that last 40+ years, and significant relationships that don't last 40 days. Siblings who are best friends, and those who never speak. Children who are born to a family, and those that are adopted in whether legally for honorarily. So what is it that truly characterizes “a nice normal family?”

For us – I think it is an underlying respect, acceptance, and the often unspoken love. That we can be so different in our growth experiences and who we have become, yet stay connected and find our way back to each other with that thread – the tie that bonds us. Our nice normal family!

What is it for you and your's?

Apples

“Life will break you.                                                                                     

Nobody can protect you from that,

and living alone won't either, 

for solitude will also break you with its yearning. 

You have to love. 

You have to feel. 

It is the reason you are here on earth. 

You are here to risk your heart. 

You are here to be swallowed up. 

And when it happens that you are broken, 

or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, 

let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples 

falling all around you in heaps, 

wasting their sweetness.

Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

~ Louise Erdrich

It's like this black sludge that creeps in through the cracks. Just when you think you've got them all blocked up – with friends, family, hobbies, self-care... and then there it is again.

The thing I miss the most – not the cuddling, not the +1 for parties, not even really the reason to come home at the end of the day – the thing I miss the most about being in a relationship is having someone to call. Anytime, day or night. For good news or bad. To chat, or just to hear a voice say hello.

I love my friends. And I know my parents would answer the phone. But it's not the same thing.

It's not the same thing as the secrets you share. The venting you do. The laughter. It's not the same thing as having your own person the way your friends and parents have their own person. Because you know that if their person called, they'd take the call... And you want them to take that call.

I know I'm not alone in this. I know there are others – both single and in a relationship. Because this kind of loneliness is not reserved for the single... in fact I would argue that it's harder and more painful to be this kind of lonely in a relationship. I've been there too. But sometimes reaching out to those others, we end up commiserating our loneliness... and sometimes what I want is someone to help heal it, if only for a moment...

Still, I'll call a friend. I'll visit my family. I'll play my guitar, read a book, and watch some TV. I'll write a blog about it and eat brownies and ice cream at midnight. And once the cracks are all patched up I'll truly and genuinely smile and laugh. Appreciating the high, knowing that the low will eventually come again. And I'll appreciate it too, for the reminder of how sweet an apple can be.

The Choice to Lean In

“You want an easy answer? Go Jesus, Go Allah, Go, go, go Atheist. I’m a Jew.
My obligation is to wrestle. It’s to engage. It’s not just to simply blindly believe.
I mean that’s how I see it... And maybe, you’ll never decide.”
~ Rabbi Dave, Weeds

During the course of conversation with new friends last night, the topic inadvertently at a few different points leaned towards religion/spirituality, and sex/sexuality. Near the end of the night, I made a comment that this is something that seems to happen often in my conversation circles... Wondering aloud if I thought that was more about myself or others, I answered with a laugh, “Well I'm the common denominator in those situations, so likely it's more about me!”

These are two areas of life that I have struggled with, grown from, and continue to be interested in – particularly the development of... And so I engage with them, wrestle with them, read and converse about them, share my journey's story and devour those of others' who are willing to share. But what stood out for me from that conversation last night was these new friends' acknowledgement that I choose to continue to engage and wrestle with these topics that I have struggled with; that many people would instead choose to turn away and avoid them.

I've never looked at it as a choice I made or continue to make. It's just something that I do as part of my life-long journey of self discovery and awareness; of the discovery and awareness of others.

I have a yoga teacher friend from whom – in reading her writings and attending her classes, even in our face-to-face conversations – I often hear a message about leaning into the difficult spaces: the yoga poses; the emotions; the intellectual and relational struggles that pop up like tiny pebbles and giant boulders along life's path. A message about how leaning in and facing them is the only way to truly move past them, to learn, to grow. And what relief and release is finally found when that pebble can be dumped from the shoe or the boulder pushed out of the way! When we are able to contort our bodies and souls to fit into those difficult spaces comfortably! Even if just for a short time...

So maybe it has been a choice I sub-consciously made. Or maybe it's one of those things that I feel I don't have a choice about because it's just in me to engage and wrestle. I do know I've found some of my most amazing conversations, friendships, and memories because of leaning in to those spaces; leaning into the struggles of those topics; leaning into my own spiritual and sexual development. And now that I know I have a choice about it – I'm going to keep leaning in!

“I'm a big kid now”

“I've apparently been the victim of growing up, which apparently happens to all of us at one point or another. It's been going on for quite some time now, without me knowing it. I've found that growing up can mean a lot of things. For me, it doesn't mean I should become somebody completely new and stop loving the things I used to love. It means I've just added more things to my list.”

~Taylor Swift

 

I bought a bed!

A brand new queen size mattress,

and a real bed frame with a headboard.

For some this event may not mean much – a bed is typically a standard purchase when one moves out on their own; buys a house or rents an apartment; starts their life after graduation or beyond mom & dad's place.

But after years of transient living and piecing together used and borrowed items when needed, this is the first piece of new furniture I have every truly shopped for, selected, bought and owned of my own accord (OK, so I did use some birthday money towards the bed frame... but the significance remains the same! And my piano doesn't count, because I was 17yrs old at the time and it has always been at my parents' house). I even picked up the bed frame in my own little Honda Fit and put the pieces together by myself. This bed – this event – is significant to me.

My dad's supportive comment about it: “Who's going to help you move that next time?”

Truth:

This is the first time I have felt sufficiently stable and committed in my decision to be here, to actually purchase furniture.

I feel so grown up with that decision, with that purchase. It feels a little like I've taken control of my current situation, and put some direction in place for my future. It feels a little like I've matured to a point of accepting my reality and wanting to make the most of what it is, rather than trying to find an elusive what-I-thought-it-would-be.

In conversation with a new friend the other night, we talked about the constant struggle in growing up. And in some ways I hope I never stop struggling because I think that is what will in part keep me young at heart. But I am happy to have grown up beyond my single mattress.

That first night in my grown up bed I sprawled out into a star-fish shape smack-dab in the middle of it and smiled. Then I rolled up into my new comforter made specifically for this bed by my Grandma, mom, aunt and myself, and slept... 

 

I Am [Enough]

Asteya is yoga's principle of "not stealing". It applies well beyond not swiping cash from a found wallet: Asteya addresses a deep fear you might hold that tells you that who you are is not enough. When you look at the world as something you have to take from rather than something you can give to, you're living without the benefits of asteya.

~ Asia Nelson, Do you fear more than you trust?

Life, if we are honest about it, is made up of many failings and fallings, amidst all of our hopeful growing and achieving. Those failings and fallings must be there for a purpose... Most of us find all failure bewildering, but it does not have to be.

~ Rohr, Richard (2011), Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life.

I had a realization yesterday. I have a Master's degree.

I mean I knew that already. I spent over $25,000 in 2 years on tuition, books and related expenses; I moved to a new city for practical experience; and I put in the long, difficult, frustrating, almost-quit-a-few-times hours on the final paper. I better have something to show for that! And according to the e-mail I received last week, the official paperwork is in the mail.

But sitting in my comfy chair, drinking my tea, reading various blogs I've started following and articles posted by friends on Facebook, it actually dawned on me. I have a Master's degree.

And maybe that's not as big of an accomplishment today as it would have been 10, 20, 50 years ago...

But maybe it's that last statement that has me feeling frozen with fear for actually doing something with it. So I have a Master's degree, big deal! So do a lot of people...

Is it enough?

Amongst the blog reading I was doing yesterday, one sentence literally jumped off the page at me:

“You don't have to be enough...”

“You don’t have to be enough
You don’t have to bring something for everyone...
You are exactly who [you need] to be
For the tasks that are yours...”
~ Mary Martin Wiens, Everyday Human

I feel like that question of “enough?” has plagued me off and on my whole life. Am I old enough; young enough; pretty enough; smart enough; talented enough; interesting enough; strong enough; ...am I good enough?

How relieving is it to be told you don't have to be enough. You just have to be you!

Words from a previous read blog flashed in my mind then:

“Honestly, more than making an impact or changing the world, what I most want to be is a gentle, healing presence.”

~ Steve Wiens, Your life is your curriculum

I was humbled by these words. Because yes, I want to be a gentle, healing presence, but...

Truth:

I really want to make an impact and change the world.

Yet it is this desire to truly make an impact and change the world that has me frozen in place. What if I am not good enough to make an impact? What if my efforts do little or nothing to change the world? What if I am unable to even just be a gentle, healing presence? ...What if I am not enough?

What if I am trying to take recognition and success from the world; instead of focusing on what I can give to those around me?

What if I could look at the possibility of failing and falling as purposeful learning opportunities for growth, instead of evidence that I am not enough?

I think I want to remove that word from my vocabulary – enough.

Without that word, there is no longer pressure to be enough; I just have to be.

“You are exactly who [you need] to be
For the tasks that are yours...”

For the tasks that are mine, and nothing more. And I have a Master's degree! That task is over because I worked hard and completed it. It has helped to shape me; prepare me for who I need to be for the next task that is mine. And with it I will likely struggle. I may take a little while trying to give, I may fall and even fail en route to growth and achievement. But none of that can take away that I am...

The Month of “Meh”

“Loving something isn't about coveting it:

it is about appreciating it.

The best way we can show this love is by trying to nurture growth,

not inhibit it.”

~ unknown

I've been struggling this month with thinking of things to write about. Personal growth typically goes in phases, and after the past few months I feel like I may be in a bit of a rest phase... which is welcome!

Still it's been a rough month, this month of “meh”.

I have read that there is something happening in the cosmos right now, the alignment of the planets or energy fields in the universe affecting our relationships. Regardless of whether you have an interest or belief in spiritual or astrological theories; I do agree that something has been going on this month. Because it seems there have been too many people I know who have or are continuing to experience struggles in their respective relationships for it to be merely coincidence.

Maybe it's because I have experienced my own relationship struggles. Maybe it's a hazard of my piscean nature. But I hurt every time I hear that someone I care about is hurting because of their relationships. It is part of what is driving me in my career path – not that I claim to be an expert on working to minimize the hurt. Not even a little bit. But I do want to walk along side others in finding, creating, and implementing ways of doing so. I'm sure I have as much if not more to learn from, as to contribute to these conversations.

It is true that each relationship is unique; each relationship's struggles are unique. Thus unique approaches to working through them are likely necessary. But one common contributing underlying factor I often suspect is the danger of “meh”.

In my last relationship, I remember being surprised how quickly it seemed to become “domesticated” - comfortable, almost complacent. It can be all too easy to begin to take for granted this person that you love; the relationship you have built. But the funny thing about love and relationships is that they are not stagnant things. In many ways they are living organisms in need of attention in order to survive. In order to flourish and grow. This seems to be something that most people know on some level and agree about. Yet remembering to follow through and act it out becomes the challenge.

It is inevitable that as individuals we will experience hardships and successes in our life that will lead to change and growth. What is not inevitable is that our partner and/or relationship will change and grow at the same time or in complimentary ways. Sometimes these differences may mean the demise of the relationship. Other times a deeper love and stronger relationship emerges over time from the challenges, from the growth. But this is unlikely without deliberate action and attention.

So let me offer this today to the conversation about nurturing relationships: Step up!

Let's break free from this month of “meh”, and act – before the struggles, challenges, or complacency arise; or in response to them. Do something to let your partner (or friends/family) know that you appreciate them; that you appreciate your relationship. Do it today! Do it tomorrow. Do it next week; next month. Step up and ensure that your relationship is doing more than just surviving. Help it to flourish. It is spring, after all! 

 

In Another time...

I have wondered occasionally, where my desire to help people and thus choosing a career as a counsellor came from – ancestrally speaking. It's not hard to find clues: I have aunts and other distant relatives who work in the mental health/social services fields; and the Mennonite faith and culture I was raised in is all about building community by lending a helping hand to those in need. But the other week I had the wonderful privilege of working on a 2-day project with my Grandma that gave us an opportunity to talk and connect in a way we hadn't before, and I learned a few things about her:

In another time I think my Grandma would have been a social-psychology major at university, offering insights to conversations about the ways and reasons people interact and engage in life – insights that are not so different from my own.

In another time I think my Grandma would have followed the voice she hears telling her that someone is in need of support, and chosen a career based on this calling.
In another time I think my Grandma would have surrounded herself with people from all walks of life, offering herself to them as a support, a confidant, a friend.

The thing is, she does all those things less formally now by sharing her own story of strength, perseverance, and connection; by listening, caring, and brewing a cup of tea.

In another time I think my Grandma would have followed a career path not so different from my own.

In another time I think my Grandma would have been an amazing counsellor.

In this time, she already is!

The Lonely Business of Finding Myself

“Once there was a boy and one day he found a penguin at his door...

The penguin looked sad and the boy thought it must be lost. So the boy decided to help the penguin find its way home...

The boy said goodbye... But as he looked back, the penguin looked sadder than ever. It felt strange to be on his own and the more he thought the more he realized he was making a big mistake. The penguin wasn't lost. He was just lonely...”

~ Oliver Jeffers

I wasn't even reading this children's book to my niece when it's message hit home. I had picked it up myself after she was already in bed. At first I thought it was a great message for children who move to a new city - that they can find “home” in a new place with new friends if they take the time to share stories along the journey. But the boy's sudden realization that the penguin was not lost looking for his way home, rather lost looking for a friend... struck me deep.

You see, in my mid-20s I did what many others have done in one way or another – I set out on a journey to find myself. I literally flew as far as I could go to the other side of the world, until I would have started coming back again... and stayed there for a year. In that year I laughed, I cried, I loved, I hurt, I grew... and in some ways I did indeed begin to find myself. But when I came home I still felt somewhat lost and confused... even now that feeling sometimes pokes at me.

What if this life-stage or gap year our western culture has characterized isn't really about satiating a feeling of being lost by finding oneself... What if it's about a lack of feeling like we belong somewhere; a sense of not truly connecting with the people around us; and therefore a deep loneliness that we either can't identify or don't want to because it acknowledges an inter-dependence that was once survival-based and may be innately ours as relational beings, yet goes against our current individualistic society?

What if we aren't really “lost” in the sense of needing to find ourselves – but “lost” in the sense of needing to find each other?

Part of why I ran away to the other side of the world when I did was because I didn't feel like I belonged here. I sometimes felt like the odd-one out in my family as the only girl with 3 brothers; and struggled to feel connected with extended family as my life's path has in some ways taken a slightly different direction than many of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. At the time I didn't know what I wanted to do; and many of my friends were starting careers, starting families. Many of my friends were turning out to not be -at least not in the way I was wanting or needing- for the longer term, and I didn't want to sit here and watch them drift away. So I left instead. And when new connections seemed to be wearing thin, I left again. And again. And again.

I have said before that I sometimes struggle with finding and accepting a sense of belonging - in allowing myself to be deeply and vulnerably seen. Maybe I'm alone in this. Maybe I'm thinking about it too hard; waiting for something that doesn't exist in the way I am expecting it to.

But I am not alone in fearing that our texting, tweeting and facebooking are preventing us from learning how to truly, vulnerably connect with one another. Instead they allow us to fake connectedness and temporarily gratify the loneliness. I wonder, if we made an effort to spend more time sharing stories, laughing and crying together face to face, would we learn to distinguish between the faces (in the mirror or in front of us) that are lost looking for home, and the faces that are lost looking for a friend? If there is even a difference...

Months ago I heard and fell in love with Phillip Phillips song Home. In a spiritual sense, I wondered if something greater than or deep inside myself was offering an explanation for the seemingly fluke occurrences that brought me to this place:

“Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home”

This is the place where I have begun to face my demons and emotional pain. This is the place where I have named a desire to be vulnerable and deepen connections with family and friends; where I am telling my story and wanting to listen to others' stories. This is the place where I am learning to identify and accept a sense of belonging... at least for now.

Perhaps this is the place where I have begun to develop and strengthen the connections that are helping me discover my home deep within.

 

The Test

I “broke up” with a friend the other day. It was one of those “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me” kind of things. But I also think it was maybe a test for me...

This “friendship” actually started out many months ago as something more. But as quickly as the connection was felt, it became clear that neither of us was in an emotional space to be in that kind of relationship. So he ended it. In a way that triggered many of my anxieties, insecurities, and cynicisms about love and relationships. Which was unfortunate because the time we spent together had actually begun, or so I thought, to heal those things as well. If you've been reading along, then you may realize that I used this triggering experience as an opportunity to work on healing those things for myself; an opportunity to face their roots, let go of the pain, and move forward with renewed hope. That is the blessing, the hope I take from this pain.

I have looked back to this not so distant-past, and thought to myself, “I should have known better...” I heard parts of his story... I know mine. I know things - theoretical and actual things, because of my education and own life-story - about the human emotional experience. And so I think to myself, “I should have known better...”

But he was cute. And he made me smile. He challenged me in conversation in ways that I thrive off of. He liked me. He brought me good wine! And - my emotional-saviour complex kicked in - he was going through a hard time which I wanted to help ease. As a friend, if I couldn't be more.

I reconnected with him to “debrief” as sometimes happens after a time when a relationship has ended, and we both expressed interest in remaining friends... whatever that might look like. Perhaps it was simply too soon for us to try to be friends. Perhaps the reason we'd met had passed, and our trying to hold on only made things worse. For both of us. I am sad to see this friendship end, for sure. And I do hope he is able to find his own peace and healing. But I will not be someone's emotional verbal punching bag. That is not healthy nor loving for either of us. And my ability to so clearly see that; to so clearly stand up for myself; to so clearly let go of a troubled friendship by my own deciding power is new. That is where I feel this was a test – to see if I truly have been able to let go of some of those insecurities and anxieties; to reduce the pull of my emotional-saviour complex; to accept that my situation is not what I wanted it to be and move towards change; to believe that I, and my reasons, are enough; to embrace the hope for different in the future.

Maybe it is true that “I should have known better...” Maybe I did, but decided to proceed anyway. It doesn't really matter in hindsight. All I can do now is go forward with experiential evidence and the confidence to know better next time.

Be Beautiful – Be Happy

 

After re-sharing that travel journal, I was going to move on from the beauty discussion. But I read a response to the Dove video that inspired more comments. [read response here: Why Dove’s “Real Beauty Sketches” Video Makes Me Uncomfortable…and Kind of Makes Me Angry]. This author conveyed some interesting and valid points about the lack of diversity represented and some of the underlying messages that have the potential to feed into society's view of beauty and worth. But I didn't hear what this author heard in one of the final quotes – the one I highlighted in my first post about this video:

“I should be more grateful of my natural beauty. It impacts the choices and the friends we make, the jobs we go out for, the way we treat our children, it impacts everything. It couldn’t be more critical to your happiness.”

This author commented:

Did you hear that, ladies? How beautiful you are affects everything—from your personal relationships to your career. It could not be more critical to your happiness! And while it could be argued that the woman was actually talking about how you feel about yourself or something, it is clearly edited to suggest that the “it” is beauty.

I believe that what we get out of something we read or see often says more about where we are at individually than about the original intended message. That becomes truth for us, different from others. And that is one of the wonderful things about this world – that we each have a unique viewpoint to contribute to the conversation!

So the message I heard from that quote and the entire video was a reminder: like it or not, the reality is that our perceptions of our own beauty – and perhaps more so, our beliefs about how beautiful others perceive us to be – often do impact the choices and the friends we make, the jobs we go out for, the way we treat our children... your happiness. ...it impacts everything. And what an important, uplifting, empowering realization that others often perceive our beauty differently than we do ourselves – perhaps because they are also experiencing: true beauty [that] shines through the eyes, is heard in the laughter, and felt from the smile of a friendly personality ...experienced in the over-all content, fun-loving, intelligent, peaceful energy flowing through her.

[see “...Be a Beautiful Woman” for more of my comments on true beauty]

In that way, beauty becomes way more than just something that you are. It becomes something that you do. Be [beautiful] is a verb. It takes action. Yes, there is natural (physical) beauty which the woman in the video talks about being more grateful for; but to express that gratitude requires action – whether it is through personal hygiene/style/accessories highlighting the physical; or through the confidence and personality she exudes. Haven't many people – particularly in the dating game – talked about the change in physical attractiveness, for better or for worse, as ones personality begins to shine through?!

The author concludes with a challenge to critical thinking:

What you look like should not affect the choices that you make. It should certainly not affect the friends you make—the friends that wouldn’t want to be in relationship with you if you did not meet a certain physical standard are not the friends that you want to have. Go out for jobs that you want, that you’re passionate about. Don’t let how good looking you feel like you are affect the way that you treat your children. And certainly do not make how well you feel you align with the strict and narrow “standard” that the beauty industry and media push be critical to your happiness, because you will always be miserable. You will always feel like you fall short, because those standards are designed to keep you constantly pressured into buying things like make up and diet food and moisturizer to reach an unattainable goal. Don’t let your happiness be dependent on something so fickle and cruel and trivial.

To some extent I agree with these points. Relying only on the strict and narrow “standard” that the beauty industry and media have defined , we will always be striving for an unattainable goal. But let's rephrase some of them a little:

What you look like should not affect the choices you make...the friends you make – because you feel and do beautiful and confident enough to make choices and friends that enhance your life, true beauty, and happiness;

Go out for the jobs that you want, that you're passionate about – because you feel and do beautiful and confident enough to do so;

...let how good looking you feel like you are affect the way that you treat your children – because you feel and do beautiful and confident enough to want to impart the same beauty and confidence in them;

And certainly do not make how well you feel you align with the strict and narrow “standard” that the beauty industry and media push be critical to your happiness – but be beautiful and confident enough to re-define your perceptions of your own beauty because that will likely impact your happiness.

Rather than trying to turn away from the impact beauty has on our happiness – because I don't really think it's something we can actually get away from in today's culture – let's embrace it, expand on it, grow with it, and become even more beautiful in the true sense of beauty. Because, to edit the final comments of this author's response: 

you are so, so much more than [physically] beautiful.

So Be Beautiful – it might just increase your happiness!

“... Be a Beautiful Woman.”

***This post is from a travel journal I wrote in March 2008 and shared on Facebook. I'm sharing it again here in response to the Dove Real Beauty Sketches ad, and the statistic they quoted.***

"...only 4% of women around the world consider themselves beautiful"

“Is it difficult to be a beautiful woman?” this deliciously dark-skinned Sicilian asked me with a smile at the farewell party he & his friends were hosting for us. I remember responding with a smile in my somewhat alcohol-induced state, “In this country? Sometimes.”

In the memory of that moment, I am at first amused at my own lack of humility...

And yet, why? Why must I be embarrassed by my (honest) first reaction? Why must we hide behind Canadian niceties and humility? For Italians – French & Spaniards as well – to confidently acknowledge one's own beauty is not seen as arrogant. It is simply being confident and... well, beautiful! It is a sign of self-respect and self-esteem. It acknowledges the true and unique beauty of all women (or all people – they have some very beautiful men in those countries as well!), no matter their shape, size, colour or accessories. Why can't we profess our own beauty here, in North America, without the worry of being seen as arrogant, snobby or just plain rude by our fellow citizens?

Well, let me try:

I am confident enough in myself, and have enough self-respect to admit that most days I am able to look in the mirror and see a pretty, young woman reflected there. And I do believe the few guys who have genuinely looked me in the eye and told me I was beautiful. I believe they found beauty in what they saw.

More than that, I believe that the true beauty of a woman is not in her physical appearance alone. But in the way she carries herself. In the self-confidence she eludes, the self-respect she maintains, the contentedness that surrounds her being. It can be and is often communicated in the awareness of proper hygiene, clothing styles to suit the body-type, hair-styles and make-up application that enhance the features. And yes, there are some women who have been blessed with a natural beauty that not everyone can claim. I have been able to embrace my own over the past few years as my self-confidence has grown, and I have learned to carry myself in that way.

But true beauty shines through the eyes, is heard in the laughter, and felt from the smile of a friendly personality. It is experienced in the over-all content, fun-loving, intelligent, peaceful energy flowing through her.

I have not always had this confidence in myself. I have not always possessed these qualities. And I still have days where it's a tough, uphill struggle. But I think, and hope, these are qualities that people are now experiencing when they comment on my beauty (whether they could name it as such or not). It is a beauty I try to exude, and am continually aspiring to...

I'm sure this Sicilian guy was trying to give me a compliment with his question. I'm sure he didn't intend for it to spiral me into thought. All I can say is that I enjoy dressing up, putting on make-up and doing my hair. I even enjoy the attention, the double-takes and smiles – sometimes even the off-hand whistles and tasteful comments – from guys (or girls). I enjoy the occasional perks that come with an attractive smile and personality; a little extra ice-cream in my cone, a free drink, etc. I enjoy it as recognition of my natural beauty and the time & effort I spent enhancing it; and perhaps even more so for the peaceful, friendly energy I hope I exude most of the time.