“To do nothing at all is the most difficult thing in the world,
the most difficult and the most intellectual”
It has become a pattern for me, in the last 7-10 years, to pick up and move when something has seemingly run it's course, ended, or caught up with me. I have made decisions about where to be, when, and for how long sometimes based on reasons outside of myself; running away out of fear, denial; or to get lost in order to find myself. But I have learned, like many before me:
whatever you are running from will eventually catch up with you time and time again...
This is the first time in a long time that I haven't wanted to leave a place when my reason for coming was no longer. Though I tried to leave, initially opening myself up to opportunities across the country. My story here does not feel finished and thoughts of leaving caused much stress and anxiety. Perhaps it was the uncertainty about where to go next; the waiting for a reason outside of myself to make clear the next path to follow. Perhaps my transient ways served a purpose until now; teaching me to listen for the call to move on so that I would notice it's absence in this moment. Perhaps my weary mind, heart and soul are simply whispering: stand still!
Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all; the best place to go is exactly where you are.
I do not know how long I will stay. But I do know that my reasons for staying are mine and they are coming from within me:
I am not staying for a relationship; nor for a specific job opportunity – though I am building valued friendships and gaining career-related experience. I am not staying to flee someone, something, or somewhere – as I have based past decisions. I am simply choosing to stand still for awhile. To let what has been chasing me finally catch up; to let what I have been chasing either stand still with me or fade in the growing distance in front of me.
Whether I find myself planting roots here for years to come, or transplanting myself yet again after a time, I am learning to trust the reasons within me as valid, true, and enough. And I am excited to see what I may learn, experience, and find waiting for me here, in the stillness.