“...a place for me in your heart”

[I've been aiming for one post a week with this blog – to keep it “pressure-free” and prolong my fear of running out of things to write! But since an underlying theme has been (and will continue to be for the next few posts I'm working on) facing myself and letting go, I really wanted to share this today...]

Two years ago my brother and (now) sister-in-law asked me to sing at their wedding: Tracey Chapman's The Promise. Beautiful song!

I printed off the chord chart and found the video on YouTube to practice. And then, music being the ever-emotion-evoking force it is, I bawled my way through that first practice. I never told my brother & sister-in-law (this will be the test if they're reading, lol!), or anyone actually. But this was a song – about waiting, remembering, and finding your way back together – that I had played on repeat at one time in my life while waiting, remembering, and hoping to find our way back together. Since I had already gently discouraged one song choice, I couldn't go back to them again and ask for yet another. It was time for me to create new memories and associations for this beautiful song anyway. Difficult as it may have been, this was one more step towards closure, letting go, and moving on.

I put the chord chart away after the wedding, hid it in the back of my binder. It fell out the other day. My fingers stumbled over chord progressions half-forgotten at first, but it came back quickly by the 3^rd play through. My voice becoming more confident with each note. I smiled.

Truth:

Letting go can be so freeing! And no one can explain that to you until you experience it for yourself.

I found I was no longer singing this song for someone in my past. I was singing it for someone I may have yet to meet. Someone I am waiting for, remembering from some long-ago dream, hoping to find my way to...

More exciting for me with this is that I'm singing again! I don't know when exactly I stopped because I didn't notice until I started again. But I have begun to enjoy listening to, playing and singing along to almost anything, even the songs that have had somewhat painful associations, simply because they're great music and I like singing them. They will probably always evoke certain memories or associations, even certain feelings. And I may crash down from this possibly false-euphoric high I seem to be on right now (there's still some of the bitter-cynic holding on ;). But I'm going to enjoy this freedom from letting go! I'm going to sing!