“But I don't miss
them as boyfriends. I miss them as friends. You can't be friends with
guys at our age.
Either they're married and their wives don't want
you to hang out with them; or they're trying to sleep with you!”
Growing up as the
only girl with 3 brothers and having 2 male cousins close in age who
lived near by, I was often surrounded by boys at home. I think I
over-compensated by seeking only girl friends at school! As I got
older I found that, perhaps not surprisingly, I tended to collect
“older brother” type friends wherever I went. Yet it wasn't
really until my later university days and beyond that I truly began
to recognize the value of opposite-sex friendships.
Over the past 2
years I've re-explored this concept of male-female friendships
through conversations with a few of the significant guys in my life.
Whether it was an intimate relationship that was ending, a deeper
interest that either wasn't shared or couldn't be explored for
various reasons, a re-discovered or new acquaintance... when the
topic of remaining friends, or being just friends came
up I wondered aloud:
“But what does that friendship look
like? I mean, what do we do?”
I find myself,
somewhat unfortunately, trying to keep most of my guy
friends at a safe distance. This distance may vary depending on our
history and/or how the friendship developed. Still I set boundaries
for myself of when, where, what, and how often to hang out.
Because I
can be a little flirty... ok, I can be a lot flirty; and at times
this has been mistaken for deeper interest than I intended.
Because
I'm protecting my own heart from developing ties that may leave me
hurt.
Because maybe we've been down that path before and it would be
too easy to fall back into those familiar, comfortable habits of
being together.
Because I don't want anyone's partner – or
prospective partner – to be uncomfortable. After all it's no secret
that friendships between men and women can be wrought with sexual
tension...
Sometimes I wonder
if it's possible to de-sexualize these friendships between men and
women, and what would those friendships be like if we could? Though
someone pointed out when I wondered this aloud, that some of the
flirty banter that happens in our friendships makes us feel good and
is part of the fun. That girls do this with their girl friends as
well as their guy friends; and I would argue that guys do so amongst
each other, with some of their crude banter, too.
One thing I have
learned over the years is that the key to my friendships with the
opposite sex is honesty. Honesty about why I'm pursuing
the friendship in the first place; what my feelings and expectations
are; and how these may change over time. And asking the same from
him. Because there is something valuable about opposite-sex
friendships that just can't be gained from same-sex friendships.
Something that has nothing to do with sex; and everything to do with
the differences in perspective, types of support, interests, even
hormones and intimacy. So I have challenged myself to be more
upfront, open and honest in my friendships lately.
Because frankly, I
don't want to need a boyfriend in order to have a boy friend!
1 comment:
I hear you. I've always had lots of guy friends and really appreciate them, but, as I get older, I have definitely distanced myself from them for two reasons:
a) The boyfriends often have trouble with it. I do want a relationship so why make it harder than it already is?
b) When you have a guy friend and they get a girlfriend, 9 out of 10 times, what happens? Yep. You know what I mean. Many girls have trouble with that too, and I'd never put a male friend in an awkward situation.
I love my male friends but at this point in my life, I focus on my girlfriends. They're a better investment for my time, energy and future.
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