Something in me has changed

(** Summer is here! Which may mean sporadic posting on my blog... But if I miss a week here and there, rest assurred I am enjoying the sun & will be back soon with even more to say!**)

 

"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can wear..."

I could feel the stares as I walked through the parking lot beside the sports bar. The guys enjoying a beer and a cigarette on the patio. Watching, passing comments to each other, and watching again. A situation I have never found truly comfortable, but it felt even less so this time. Particularly as it was mid-afternoon; the sun shining high in the sky. 

Something in me has changed.

I felt it a few weeks ago too. On 3 separate occasions over as many weeks, in a different bar. Drinks bought, dance moves shared, an attempt at a kiss... Not interested.

But more than just not interested. Because I used to find some of this interest-expressing ritual fun and flirty and esteem-boosting. Feeling I had all the power about how far the interaction might go. Enjoying the free drink and the insinuation of being attractive, sexy, interesting... if only as far as the drinks keep flowing and the music keeps playing and the bodies keep moving and the moon keeps shining.

You see, I truly have grown into my confidence. Meaning that I didn't always know I was a beautiful woman; I didn't always know I was amazing. And so years ago when I started to notice people noticing; when I started to notice guys noticing... I liked it! I played with it. It was fun and flirty and esteem-boosting.

But something in me has changed.

A friend's voice from months ago has been echoing in my head periodically ever since:

“Are you afraid to not be seen that way?"

Back when I started to notice people -guys- noticing, I started to notice myself. My interest and confidence in my physical appearance began to grow. So what does it mean if people -guys- stop noticing?

It should mean nothing if my confidence is based on something solid, real and true. It should mean nothing if I recognize my beauty and amazing-ness as something deeper than my physical appearance. It should mean nothing...

My knee-jerk reaction to my friend's question was defensive. But my lingering gut feeling was probably more to the truth. Yes, perhaps I am. Perhaps my oft-questioning of Am I enough? stems from a confidence that has not been based on something completely solid, real and true. And should others -guys- stop noticing... it would mean something.

So something in me has changed.

I can tell because many of those interest-expressing rituals no longer feel fun and flirty and esteem-boosting. More often they have become annoying. Illiciting thoughts of “Do you not know there is more to me than what you see here?” Feeding a stronger desire to connect with people on an intellectual and emotional level, than on a physical level. Building relationships which in turn have strengthened a confidence that is based on something more solid, real and true – based on who I am as a complete person inside and out, and not on what I look like.

Am I afraid to not be seen that way?

Yes, truthfully in part I am. Our culture's focus on youth and beauty ensures this fear never fades completely.

But – I am even more afraid to not be seen in all the beautiful, amazing, multi-faceted and complex attributes that make up my entire person.

Because something in me has changed!