Who do I show my weakness to?

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”
~ Criss Jami

A few months ago I was going through a bit of a low period when a friend commented, “I wish you would write a blog so I could know what you're thinking about.”
A voice inside me whispered, “Then ask me.”

What I wanted in that moment was someone to talk to; someone to really and truly open up and share all of my innermost thoughts and deepest fears with as they were occurring. But I often have difficulty being the first to open up. Once I get talking (especially after a glass or 2 of wine!), or after some time to process and diminish the intensity, it mostly comes tumbling out. But sometimes I need a little patient push to get started. And even then, to share the innermost and deepest in the moment, it usually has to be the right person(s)...

Which has begged the question for me, who do I show my weakness to?

Because I have often been referred to as strong, capable, brave. I am the one others come to; the one others share their innermost and deepest with; the one who offers support in many ways. So much so that I sometimes feel as though I cannot let my weakness show, because I have to be strong for the others.

I remember the first time that question truly formed in my mind. I was sitting in a workshop about supporting people who struggle with mental illness. The facilitator was talking about naming and affirming the strength we see in those individuals; something they may have difficulty seeing in themselves. And while I wholeheartedly agree with that approach, I found myself asking “But who do I show my weakness to?”

 
Because for those of us who wear that strong mask, for those of us who can wear it often and well; sometimes we long to take it off. If only for a moment. Sometimes we need to take it off, if only for a moment. And sometimes – often times – it is difficult to know who will be strong enough to pick it up and carry it until we are ready to put it back on.

 

Especially if we have misjudged someone's ability to do so before and found the mask lying cracked at our feet.



I remember hiking one spring over trails that still had the occasional patch of ice. I felt the grip tighten around my hand every time we came across such a spot, and I was reassured. In that moment, if only for a moment, I knew that if I stumbled someone would catch me; if I fell someone would pick me up; if I let go someone would hold on. That moment passed before I ever got to the point of fully taking off my mask. But the experience left me with a sense that I wanted to find that feeling again; I wanted to learn to trust it; and to be able to drop my mask when I needed to.

Learning to trust someone to take care of the mask? Though the past year in particular has pushed me in new ways to open up in the moment, I still have difficulty with that. Who do I show my weakness to? There are a few I can count on in the most intense innermost and deepest moments ~ when I let myself do so, which can sometimes be as difficult as finding someone worthy of that trust.

And then, after time to process and diminish the intensity, it mostly comes tumbling out in a blog!