Apples

“Life will break you.                                                                                     

Nobody can protect you from that,

and living alone won't either, 

for solitude will also break you with its yearning. 

You have to love. 

You have to feel. 

It is the reason you are here on earth. 

You are here to risk your heart. 

You are here to be swallowed up. 

And when it happens that you are broken, 

or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, 

let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples 

falling all around you in heaps, 

wasting their sweetness.

Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

~ Louise Erdrich

It's like this black sludge that creeps in through the cracks. Just when you think you've got them all blocked up – with friends, family, hobbies, self-care... and then there it is again.

The thing I miss the most – not the cuddling, not the +1 for parties, not even really the reason to come home at the end of the day – the thing I miss the most about being in a relationship is having someone to call. Anytime, day or night. For good news or bad. To chat, or just to hear a voice say hello.

I love my friends. And I know my parents would answer the phone. But it's not the same thing.

It's not the same thing as the secrets you share. The venting you do. The laughter. It's not the same thing as having your own person the way your friends and parents have their own person. Because you know that if their person called, they'd take the call... And you want them to take that call.

I know I'm not alone in this. I know there are others – both single and in a relationship. Because this kind of loneliness is not reserved for the single... in fact I would argue that it's harder and more painful to be this kind of lonely in a relationship. I've been there too. But sometimes reaching out to those others, we end up commiserating our loneliness... and sometimes what I want is someone to help heal it, if only for a moment...

Still, I'll call a friend. I'll visit my family. I'll play my guitar, read a book, and watch some TV. I'll write a blog about it and eat brownies and ice cream at midnight. And once the cracks are all patched up I'll truly and genuinely smile and laugh. Appreciating the high, knowing that the low will eventually come again. And I'll appreciate it too, for the reminder of how sweet an apple can be.