Monday, 22 December 2014

Why am I here?

I have had a few moments over the past year of guilt-ridden “Why am I here?” questioning. My roots in this city are not yet deep. I am living in my 3rd apartment in 2 years. My business is still young and fragile, needing much more attention than I have been able or motivated to give it. My (temporary) pay-the-bills jobs are, well, intended to be temporary. Truth is I do not have the job nor family responsibilities that my siblings have, tying me to one place. The contacts I have made, friendships I have developed, and relationship I have started are important, for sure.

But my family are facing challenges 250kms away.

I hear the voice in my head arguing that my life is less settled and therefore easier to pick-up and move; that I would have more time and energy than my siblings and extended family to pitch in since I don’t have my own child(ren) to take care of.

Yet I am also a strong advocate for giving equal value to life choices that do not include marriage and children.

No one from my family has given weight to my musings of a transient life with fewer responsibilities. In fact when I have voiced these thoughts aloud I am rebutted with support to remain where I am. There is no expectation that I would do more or different. It is my own internal struggle, to drown out the guilt and replace it with confidence and conviction. To name and, perhaps more importantly, accept the value of my own goals and dreams the way my family seem to have already done.   

And then, perhaps when I was open to the message, I read the words: 
You are exactly where you need to be.

I am here because this is where my apartment is, where my stuff is. I am here because this is where some of my important friendships are; because this is where my relationship is. I am here because this is where my job is, where my private office is. I am here because it gives me the space to use my time and energy to chase my own dreams. I am here because this is where I need to be, where I want to be, where I chose to be… where I choose to be.

I am here because this is where MY life is. And that is enough.

I am fortunate to have flexible hours at my job so I can enjoy MY life, even when that includes spending time with and helping out my family. I am fortunate to be able to travel so I can enjoy MY life, even when that includes going to see my family. I am fortunate to be able to keep in touch with and stay connected to the people important in My life, even when that includes supporting and being supported by my family from a distance. I am fortunate because I am here.

I write down all these things, knowing the list is likely incomplete, as a reminder to myself. Because I know I will forget again. There may be many Why questions to ask in these challenging situations, but “Why am I here?” does not need to be one of them.

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