Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Burning the Security Blanket

Today was supposed to be my last shift at this job. Instead I am home with a splint on my right hand, protecting a strained thumb and wrist. Evidence that my body is saying enough, even when my spirit had already done so with a letter a few weeks ago. Truly it is just time to let go.
I remember not even a year ago saying that at some point I would have to let go of this security blanket - this [temporary] job that is paying my bills - in order to truly move forward with my career goals; with my life goals. I just figured it would be at least another 2 years before I could... before I would.
Because generally speaking I like my life of these past few years. I can afford a certain comfort on my own. Sure there are things I have and do sacrifice, like the dentist and a trip to Iceland, or Italy, or Hawaii... But I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, electronic devices to entertain and keep in touch, four-wheels to transport me places, and enough left over for the occasional night out with friends. I'm usually able to sleep in and have a leisurely morning when I know I will be less productive anyway; and stay up late connecting with others, Netflix, or even just myself.
There has been little fire under me to push harder for [financial] improvement or success. Even with the few glimpses of fulfillment and purpose during business building tasks and meetings, I still had not enough fire.
Until something changed a short time ago. I don't know how much of it was external, how much of it was internal. Though I do know both played a part. Things usually happen for a reason and at the right time. I'd had enough of so many things. And the fire was lit. I may have a comfortable life [financially], but it is not enough. I want more.
No, I want different.
And the only way I'll actually get it is to let go of the security blanket that is holding me back. I am ready now. So I quit. 
I have learned many valuable lessons in that job that will serve me well in life and career. I have made friendships and contacts that will stick with me, some if only in memory. For that I will always be grateful for the opportunity.
And I'm facing this new phase of fire-light with mixed feelings. There is always some fear in letting go of the familiar, the safe, the [somewhat] secure. There is some sadness is the change, perhaps even loss, of relationships built in that space. But there is also relief in cutting loose that which is in the way. There is excitment in opening up space for and moving towards possibility! 
In truth, I am feeding the fire and letting go in steps and stages. I left space to return to this job if necessary in a few months time. And in some ways I actually traded that security blanket for another one that looks a little different and more like what I truly want to be doing; for one that offers different space to motivate, inspire, and focus on new business goals. To focus on new life goals. In that way it is a step in the right direction for where I want to go.
[I just haven't decided where that will be first: the dentist, Iceland, Italy or Hawaii... ;)]

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