The Lonely Business of Finding Myself

“Once there was a boy and one day he found a penguin at his door...

The penguin looked sad and the boy thought it must be lost. So the boy decided to help the penguin find its way home...

The boy said goodbye... But as he looked back, the penguin looked sadder than ever. It felt strange to be on his own and the more he thought the more he realized he was making a big mistake. The penguin wasn't lost. He was just lonely...”

~ Oliver Jeffers

I wasn't even reading this children's book to my niece when it's message hit home. I had picked it up myself after she was already in bed. At first I thought it was a great message for children who move to a new city - that they can find “home” in a new place with new friends if they take the time to share stories along the journey. But the boy's sudden realization that the penguin was not lost looking for his way home, rather lost looking for a friend... struck me deep.

You see, in my mid-20s I did what many others have done in one way or another – I set out on a journey to find myself. I literally flew as far as I could go to the other side of the world, until I would have started coming back again... and stayed there for a year. In that year I laughed, I cried, I loved, I hurt, I grew... and in some ways I did indeed begin to find myself. But when I came home I still felt somewhat lost and confused... even now that feeling sometimes pokes at me.

What if this life-stage or gap year our western culture has characterized isn't really about satiating a feeling of being lost by finding oneself... What if it's about a lack of feeling like we belong somewhere; a sense of not truly connecting with the people around us; and therefore a deep loneliness that we either can't identify or don't want to because it acknowledges an inter-dependence that was once survival-based and may be innately ours as relational beings, yet goes against our current individualistic society?

What if we aren't really “lost” in the sense of needing to find ourselves – but “lost” in the sense of needing to find each other?

Part of why I ran away to the other side of the world when I did was because I didn't feel like I belonged here. I sometimes felt like the odd-one out in my family as the only girl with 3 brothers; and struggled to feel connected with extended family as my life's path has in some ways taken a slightly different direction than many of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. At the time I didn't know what I wanted to do; and many of my friends were starting careers, starting families. Many of my friends were turning out to not be -at least not in the way I was wanting or needing- for the longer term, and I didn't want to sit here and watch them drift away. So I left instead. And when new connections seemed to be wearing thin, I left again. And again. And again.

I have said before that I sometimes struggle with finding and accepting a sense of belonging - in allowing myself to be deeply and vulnerably seen. Maybe I'm alone in this. Maybe I'm thinking about it too hard; waiting for something that doesn't exist in the way I am expecting it to.

But I am not alone in fearing that our texting, tweeting and facebooking are preventing us from learning how to truly, vulnerably connect with one another. Instead they allow us to fake connectedness and temporarily gratify the loneliness. I wonder, if we made an effort to spend more time sharing stories, laughing and crying together face to face, would we learn to distinguish between the faces (in the mirror or in front of us) that are lost looking for home, and the faces that are lost looking for a friend? If there is even a difference...

Months ago I heard and fell in love with Phillip Phillips song Home. In a spiritual sense, I wondered if something greater than or deep inside myself was offering an explanation for the seemingly fluke occurrences that brought me to this place:

“Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home”

This is the place where I have begun to face my demons and emotional pain. This is the place where I have named a desire to be vulnerable and deepen connections with family and friends; where I am telling my story and wanting to listen to others' stories. This is the place where I am learning to identify and accept a sense of belonging... at least for now.

Perhaps this is the place where I have begun to develop and strengthen the connections that are helping me discover my home deep within.