Nuggets of Hope

When your eyes are tired the world is tired also.
When your vision has gone no part of the world can find you.
Time to go into the dark where the night has eyes to recognize its own.

There you can be sure you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb tonight.
The night will give you a horizon further than you can see.
You must learn one thing: the world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you. 

~David Whyte

(bold emphasis is my edit!)

 

A few weeks ago I wrote about denouncing the month of “meh”; about viewing my situation at the time as an opportunity to re-connect rather than retreat; with the hope that by the end of the month I could say “I loved this month”...

Well you know what they sometimes say: things may get worse before they start to get better.

Last week I hit a low point. Understandably discouraged, overwhelmed, lonely, frustrated. And losing hope. That last piece came as a surprise to me because in all of my past low moments – of being discouraged with my own situation, with my failures or lack of progress, with my relationships or lack thereof, with the state of the world we live in – there was always a small, nagging morsel of hope longing to be heard. Offering reassurance and encouragement to keep pushing forward. That, as the saying goes, this too shall pass. Sometimes it was harder to hear or took longer to break through the empty silence, but it was always there.

When I realized I could not hear even it's faintest whisper, I also realized I do not know how to do this without hope. I do not know how to pull myself out of this without hope.

I thought to myself even if that hope goes forever unrealized; even if it is empty, blind, or naive, I need to find it again and hold onto it in order to keep pushing forward.

It's funny sometimes how the Universe will bring to you the things you need when you need them, if you only open your eyes to see. Nuggets of hope began to come my way -

In the unlikely friend who called three days in a row to check on me and drag me outside for a walk by the water.

In the friend's voice reminding me: “You won't always feel this way.”

In the friend's trusting questioning: “I wonder who he will be...?”

In the friend's at first seemingly out of place response yet acknowledging the opportunity that grows from these spaces: “I am excited for you!”

In the innocent acceptance and play of nieces and nephews.

In the genuine laughter that flowed from re-connecting with a friend from a distance.

In the fulfilling of a long-ago commitment to share music with a community from my childhood.

In the invite for a much-needed night out with different friends.

Even in random quotes appearing on Facebook.

Hope had not been lost – it was just being safely held in different places, and handed back to me in pieces when I needed it and more importantly was ready for it again. Whether they did so consciously or not, I am grateful for the people in my life that are able and willing to do that for me and with me.

So it's been a long month. A tough month for more than just myself, as stories are passed back and forth among friends, family, and co-workers. But the nugget of hope I can offer is that today is the last day of this month. Tomorrow, a new one begins again!