“If I'm so f#@king amazing, why is he dating her?”

“Are you one of those people who says on a first date, 'I'm really not in a hurry to meet somebody, I figure if it happens, it happens'? Because those are the most desperate people of all. I'm just saying this so that if you are this person, you aren't hiding it from anybody.
There is no shame in being hungry for another person. There is no shame in wanting very much to share your life with somebody.”   

~ Augusten Burroughs 

This Is How: Proven Aid in Overcoming Shyness, Molestation, Fatness, Spinsterhood, 

Grief, Disease, Lushery, Decrepitude & More. For Young and Old Alike.

“If I'm so f#@king amazing, why is he dating her?”

That thought ran through my head more than once as people tried to offer uplifting reassurance. It wasn't directed at any particular he or her. Just a general statement about others who seem to have an easier time finding or more so maintaining a relationship, that reflected the space I was in at that time.

You're such an amazing woman, you'll find someone...

You're so amazing, you deserve better...

You're so amazing, it'll happen for you...

In those moments I wanted to scream so many things in response. Instead I just did my best to paste on a smile and nod appreciatively.

But the truth is – that's not helpful. At least for me it wasn't.

Because truthfully, and not to sound full of myself, I know. Ending relationships and being single, again, does not wreck havoc with my self-esteem or confidence. That's not the frustrating or dis-heartening part for me. I know I have strengths and weaknesses; I know I have attractive qualities and a lot to offer my friendships and relationships. In short, I know I'm amazing!

At this point in my life the part that is frustrating and dis-heartening is that I find myself wanting...

Over the years I have heard so many conflicting messages about this wanting. Initially it was expected that by a certain age a relationship would just happen – the traditional life path of education, marriage, career, house, kids that so many of my family before me and peers beside me followed. There was no question of wanting this path, it just was.

As I found the path diverging however, for those of us without a relationship the message changed to don't want. It became one of patience and self-focus. No relationship meant you weren't yet ready for one; there were things you needed to work on in yourself first. No relationship meant you needed to be happy with yourself and your life. The focus became creating your own happiness – be happy with where you are and what you have.

Don't go looking for it, it will find you

When you stop wanting it; stop looking for it; stop waiting for it, it will find you.

The path diverged further for me, to not wanting. At least not in the traditional sense. The message here was empowerment, independence, strength. Not wanting was equated with not needing. Dreams were chased, goals defined, happiness created. For a time, at least.

Now what?

My path is diverging again, perhaps? I know there is more I want to chase, pursue, and create in my life-time. But there are times when I think: I am tired of doing all that on my own. It is true that this wanting feels strong in my lonely moments; in my weak moments. But those moments pass. This wanting now also feels strong in the moments of chasing dreams I wish to tell and realize with someone; of goals I wish to encourage and celebrate with someone; of happiness I wish to share with someone.

And so now what? What do I do with this wanting that for so many years I have heard to not? I struggle with it, feeling it is somehow wrong to want, to put that desire out there, and to pursue a potential relationship with longer-term hopes.

But perhaps being able to name it, accept it, and pursue with hope is one of the growth pieces I have been missing. Perhaps there is a healthy, empowered, independent way of wanting? One that does not go desperately looking for it; but rather patiently waits and is ready when opportunity presents.

“If I'm so f#@king amazing, why is he dating her?”

Because maybe she is also f#@king amazing. And really one has absolutely nothing to do with other.