"It sounded old. Deserve. Old and tired and beaten to death. Deserve. Now it seemed to him that he was always saying or thinking that he didn't deserve some bad luck, or some bad treatment from others...
Apparently
he thought he deserved only to be loved--from a distance, though--and
given what he wanted. And in return he would be...what? Pleasant?
Generous? Maybe all he was really saying was: I am not responsible
for your pain; share your happiness with me but not your
unhappiness."
It's
a common phrase of empathy and encouragement when something like a
relationship ends - “You deserve better!” And lately it's one
that has really rubbed me the wrong the way. I'm not sure if it's the
word deserve
or better
or the combination of the two, but lately I've been wondering ~
do you we really
deserve better?
And what does that
mean anyway?
In my most recent
experience of hearing those words, in some ways it felt de-valuing of
the good that existed in that person; in that relationship; in that
experience. And there was a lot of good! I don't necessarily need
better still, but I would like more of that.
In some ways it sets
me up for constant disappointment. I would think that my standards
and expectations are already high. If I found disappointment in my
last experience with so much good, how can I truly expect better
without disappointment next time? Every human being makes mistakes;
makes decisions that affect others. Sometimes it is possible to move
past them and continue to build a stronger relationship. Sometimes it
may signify that something is just not quite right and means ending a
relationship that was otherwise good. Perhaps better overall
is not what is needed; rather different.
In some ways it
fosters and feeds a sense of passive entitlement that, I would argue,
is not beneficial in any kind of relationship. This is perhaps the
part that rubs the most. Why do I deserve better? In all our
interactions I think every one of us has a responsibility to treat
each other with basic decency. Beyond that probably depends on the
relationship – but I would expect genuine care and respect for
anything beyond a mere acquaintance. Not because I deserve it,
but because we have earned it with each other as the relationship
builds. And it's absence in a closer relationship does not
necessarily equate a need for better overall, rather the
respect for self to do what is needed for it to grow; whether in that
relationship or a different one.
I am not advocating
for “settling” with my rant here. And yes, there are many
examples where it is in someone's best interest to walk away from a
relationship or situation that is not healthy or safe and find better
– at the very least, basic decency. But no one is perfect.
Expecting that will only lead to disappointment. Sometimes we may
need to weigh the good with the frustrating; we may need to take the
good with the annoying. Sometimes we may all need a reminder that the
grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. And even
if it is, it likely didn't get that way without some TLC.
Rather than looking
at my past experiences with a dismissive, passive, entitled “I
deserve better” – I want to take the good and look forward to
future experiences. Learning how I can find more of the good; how I
can contribute to different that might lead towards building
something stronger; how I can bring more opportunities for genuine
care and respect to develop; how I can maintain the self-respect to
know when to do what is needed where I am, and when to move on to
something different.
And maybe with that
I will indeed find better. Not because I deserve it,
but because I do my best to continue making what I have in each
moment better.
Tell me what you
think:
I would really like to hear your thoughts on this question, do we really deserve better?, and what that means for you. Especially if they differ from mine. What have been your experiences – past or present, whether about a relationship or some other situation – with the encouragement of deserving better?
I would really like to hear your thoughts on this question, do we really deserve better?, and what that means for you. Especially if they differ from mine. What have been your experiences – past or present, whether about a relationship or some other situation – with the encouragement of deserving better?
2 comments:
The phrase deserving better when considered by itself can lead to thoughts like: entitlement, looking at someone else to create all your happiness, and unrealistic expectations of perfection. We're all sinners & all make mistakes. You've highlighted many of these things.
People often say it in reference to break ups because they love you & want to lift you up.
Relationships that last the tests of time hold 2 imperfect people who choose to commit each day to each other, to love, to support, to encourage, to be loyal to, to confide in, to debate with, and even to argue with each other. Deserving better also makes me think of counting wrongs. Everyone keeps a tally for a different "game" and no one wins. It makes me think of the Foo Fighters Song "Is someone getting the best of you?" Each day you commit yourself to him & he to you. Blessings Betty!
I think the "You deserve better" phrase is one of those that we rarely consider its actual meaning. I agree with your analysis that it seems to become inappropriate once you get past the foolish relationships of our youth.
I would like to pick up on the idea of "settling". I think we all fall prey to the idea that there is some perfect person that could fulfill every aspect of our being. I doubt such a person could exist but I believe there is a person who exists who genuinely wants to try. That person may want to watch more nascar races than you which may be a "settling" point.
I think the key to success in a long term relationship is that both partners genuinely want to do whatever they can do to bring fulfillment to the other and keeping score will result in no winners every time. However, settling will be a requirement.
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