If you really
believed that you deserve better, then you would have it.
Work on you, not them.
Work on you, not them.
~ Doe Zantamata
I noticed a pattern
of response in myself last week. I remember it happened years ago
when a relationship ended – my knee-jerk reaction to other's anger
and criticism was to defend him:
~ I really do believe that most people do the best they can with what they have in any given situation. ~
I have had similar sentiments at least twice since then, in similar situations. Situations where words or actions or lack thereof seemed unfair, disrespectful, selfish. Situations where it may have been justified to forget the prince and condemn the a$$hole. Situations that left me hurting. Still... one to always at least try to view things from the other perspective, to acknowledge my own role in how various situations and relationships play out... my knee-jerk reaction is to defend the humanness.
But the other day when I heard myself saying those words... I stopped mid-thought:
What if part of the reason I believe that and jump to defend it so quickly is because that way of interaction in relationships and relationship's end has been the majority of my experience? What if I expect and then defend it because it is mostly all that I have known?
What if my questioning of do we really deserve better? is in part because I have rarely experienced better – or even different?
I suppose I could put all that on the other people in my life, the ones who have been key members in the situations referred to above. But I'm not one to pass off responsibility for personal growth and learning. And besides, if Dr Phil's words: We teach people how to treat us are really true, well then clearly I have some work to do on myself in order to find different – or even better.
I've noticed some changes already, in allowing and reinforcing certain interactions; and in stopping others. I have pulled back from some relationships/friendships; and changed or pushed more in others. And I remember having done this periodically in the past, with friendships that were not supporting or serving me in a way I wanted my relationships to do so. But there is still more to learn. I want to step back and pay attention to how I interact with others; how they interact with me. How do I allow or encourage others to interact with me? Is this different, depending on the type of relationship? What am I teaching others about how I want to be treated?
Or perhaps more importantly - How do I want to be treated? And then how do I teach people to treat me that way?
I still believe that most people do the best they can with what they have in any given situation. But sometimes people are just selfish, disrespectful, or too chicken-sh!t to do what they know is best. That part I cannot ever change. I can, however, pay attention to earlier warning signs and not allow in my life the people that have difficulty learning to treat me the way I want to be treated; dare I say the way I deserve to be treated!
~ I really do believe that most people do the best they can with what they have in any given situation. ~
I have had similar sentiments at least twice since then, in similar situations. Situations where words or actions or lack thereof seemed unfair, disrespectful, selfish. Situations where it may have been justified to forget the prince and condemn the a$$hole. Situations that left me hurting. Still... one to always at least try to view things from the other perspective, to acknowledge my own role in how various situations and relationships play out... my knee-jerk reaction is to defend the humanness.
But the other day when I heard myself saying those words... I stopped mid-thought:
What if part of the reason I believe that and jump to defend it so quickly is because that way of interaction in relationships and relationship's end has been the majority of my experience? What if I expect and then defend it because it is mostly all that I have known?
What if my questioning of do we really deserve better? is in part because I have rarely experienced better – or even different?
I suppose I could put all that on the other people in my life, the ones who have been key members in the situations referred to above. But I'm not one to pass off responsibility for personal growth and learning. And besides, if Dr Phil's words: We teach people how to treat us are really true, well then clearly I have some work to do on myself in order to find different – or even better.
I've noticed some changes already, in allowing and reinforcing certain interactions; and in stopping others. I have pulled back from some relationships/friendships; and changed or pushed more in others. And I remember having done this periodically in the past, with friendships that were not supporting or serving me in a way I wanted my relationships to do so. But there is still more to learn. I want to step back and pay attention to how I interact with others; how they interact with me. How do I allow or encourage others to interact with me? Is this different, depending on the type of relationship? What am I teaching others about how I want to be treated?
Or perhaps more importantly - How do I want to be treated? And then how do I teach people to treat me that way?
I still believe that most people do the best they can with what they have in any given situation. But sometimes people are just selfish, disrespectful, or too chicken-sh!t to do what they know is best. That part I cannot ever change. I can, however, pay attention to earlier warning signs and not allow in my life the people that have difficulty learning to treat me the way I want to be treated; dare I say the way I deserve to be treated!
No comments:
Post a Comment