Go for the Adventure

 

“The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

“The one who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. 

The one who walks alone, is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.”

~ Albert Einstein

I like travelling on my own. I like having the freedom of not needing to consider another person in my plans (though I also enjoy meeting up with old or new friends and swapping stories). And mostly I like the space to read, write, or watch a movie while in transit on a bus, train, or plane. So when the couple next to me on my flight home last week offered a friendly greeting, I was a little wary. They asked about my travel plans, and I politely returned the question. I don't fully remember how the conversation went after that, but at some point they asked me what my profession was.

[I want to interject here that this was actually the first time that I gave my response without qualifying it with comments like “completed my MA earlier this year; just starting out; exploring my options; working at a restaurant to pay the bills.” I kept waiting for them to call my bluff (which speaks more about my perception of myself than anything else, I know)... but they didn't... and it felt pretty cool to be accepted as a counsellor! However, from the response they did give, I can see a day when I may not want to admit my intended profession so freely...]

The couple responded with affirmation for the work I do, how needed it is, etc., and shared part of their story supporting a child who struggles with addictions. Everybody has a story to share...

The woman then gave me some advice about living my life to the fullest and following the adventure. Their knowing only the briefest moment of my story, this seemed slightly humorous to me. What if she had known that I have followed adventure in various solo and group travel excursions; with multiple moves, sometimes away from family and friends; by going back to school to pursue a Master's degree; and deciding years ago to no longer live my life in the “shoulds”? I maybe have not followed every adventure, or always and completely lived my life to the fullest. But I have tried.

I suspect these were good, warmhearted people with wisdom from life's experience to share. Perhaps in another time and place I would have pursued the pleasant conversation further, after all I really do enjoy hearing others' stories. But this time I simply smiled and thanked her. If only in the hopes that the conversation would be over so I could enjoy my movie for the remainder of the flight...

As we left the plane – they to catch another flight, me to find my luggage – I wished them well. They smiled, waved, and the woman called out “Remember: Go for the adventure!”

Ok, I thought to myself, there is a reason for this intersecting of stories. There is a message in this meeting, this conversation, this advice that I am to heed. So I put those final words together with their trust in my profession as they know it. It is true that I have had adventures in my past. But pursuing this career is also an adventure. And it will serve me well, I think, to look at it as such. An adventure sure to be full of lessons, growth, failure, and success. Go for it, I will!

Soul-full

“It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known...”

~ Sleepless in Seattle

Few places during my past travels and transient living held the comfortable feeling of home. Few people have evoked that soul-felt level of comfort and familiarity.

I found one of the spaces last week; with one of those few people.

Perhaps it was that we have lived together before, the routines developed then returned so quickly. Perhaps it is a testament to the kind of friendship we have, the kind of connection we share. Time passes, and yet each visit seems as though we just said good-bye a day, an hour, a minute before.

During this visit the silences became as comfortable as the conversations. The shared stories and experiences separated by miles that led to similar realizations, similar lessons, similar growths – without our knowing then – brought questions and challenges full of understanding and desire for something better; something truer. Something more real and honest.

I once heard a definition of soul mate that likened it to a mirror that reflects back the truest parts of the self – beauty and faults alike – inspiring deeper levels of self-awareness and self-betterment. Funny how we seem to find one – or find our way back to one – when we didn't even realize we needed it most!

Spectacular Northwest Territories – Life Lessons on The Ingraham Trail

I used to bug an ex of mine that he was missing out on truly seeing and experiencing the beauty around him while hiding behind his camera lens. The other day I realized that I was living my current experience based on what I could write about it for my blog – beginning to compose it in my mind right then and there, during the experience. I suppose in some ways this may help to notice details and/or gain insight that I may have otherwise missed... but what else might I be missing about the experience by hiding behind my pen?

“Submerge yourself in the beauty of life this week -”

my friend's well wishes for this trip west have been running through my mind,

“- pretty sure you'll find answers there...”

 

It's amazing sometimes, the things you can learn, experience, find... when you open yourself up to the possibility. I've had some interesting conversations and experiences since thinking about, writing and posting last week's blog. Including pretty quickly discovering a hidden secret along The Ingraham Trail.

  

Heading north out of Yellowknife, the scenery along the Ingraham Trail is pretty much the same from beginning to end. Lots of rocks on either side of the road; lots of green and – at least at this time of year – yellow, with a few splashes of red. 

 Moments of beauty are interspersed, some of the lakes more so than others. 

 

And after a time even some of these can start to become part of the “same” scenery... with seemingly fewer moments of beauty further on. Or maybe I just stopped less to appreciate them properly.

Sometimes you need to stop, pull off the main road and walk in a little deeper to find the beauty.

Sometimes you have to decide not to.

When I did stop, I never stayed in that space as long as I could have or perhaps would have liked. I was conscious of getting back to my “home base” (and cell service range) before dark so no one would worry where I was; wanting to keep moving to see what else was along the road, to see what was waiting at the end.

  

The road itself is far from smooth. The path curves along at 70km/hr, slowed by the bumps and potholes caused by bitter cold winters, constant construction, and pavement changing to gravel at the mid point.

 

 If only all construction came with warning signs and polite conclusions...

There are other things that stand out along the way as well, perhaps what and why speaking more about the observer than the actual things themselves:

 

Items that seem so out of place, you can't help but notice with discomfort or a chuckle.

 

 

  

The markings of those who have been before. Looking for a witness to their presence in that moment, in that space; a witness to their existence. 

 

 

The people sharing the road in this moment. The bus of tourists taking pictures. The parents with their unappreciative children. The cute guy with the slobbery dog. The group of girls wearing shoes completely unsuitable for the hike into the deeper beautiful spaces. And that couple who seem to be following you, or you them, to every stop; who sit and enjoy the scenery on their blanket, reminding you that sometimes the journey is better shared... until I remembered that at least I can stop and start whenever I want – and control the radio station - without considering someone else's enjoyment of the trip.

And then, at some point, the road just ends.

If only life had the option of turning around and driving back the way you came, to re-appreciate the beauty of the road.

Building on Grebel's C-Word

*Figured the first day of school was a pretty good day to come back from that summer hiatus of minimal posting... hoping to get back to once a week posts. To everyone who is coming back, or checking this out for the first time: Thanks for reading!!*

“What should young people do with their lives today?

Many things, obviously.

But the most daring thing is to create stable communities

in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.”

~ Kurt Vonnegut, 1974

Every person is defined by the communities she belongs to and the ones she doesn't belong to.

I am this and this and this, but definitely not that and that and that...

But a person who really believes she doesn't belong to any community at all invariably kills herself, either by killing her body or by giving up her identity and going mad."

~ Orson Scott Card, Speaker for the Dead.

Recently I attended the 50^th Anniversary Reunion for Conrad Grebel University College, the space I called “home” for the first 2 years of my University career. During the celebration service, a recent alumnus reflected on the oft-heard buzz word that invoked cringes and eye-rolls from herself and her peers and I smiled thinking, “so some things never change!”

That buzz word:

  

From the singing-walk to Dairy Queen and square-dance during Frosh Week, to the weekly Community Suppers; the encouraged open door policy, to less formal rituals like “de-traying” at the round tables during meals (in order to fit more people in!): Community was a vital concept of Grebel life. And as I nodded in understanding at stories from earlier alumni representing this buzz word, without actually speaking it, I realized this aspect of Grebel has stood the test of time in connecting individuals from across many different spaces – including generational – with a unique shared experience.

The funny thing about this community experience at Grebel though, as that recent alumnus went on to share, is that you... or rather to speak only for myself, I didn't realize quite how valuable it was until I moved out of it. When someone asked me that weekend, while sharing the stories of where we are now: “Do you have a community that you have connected with up there?” ...that point hit home once again.

I have lost regular touch with most of the people I shared community with at Grebel. But the lingering lesson I hold on to is that community can be built anywhere, with anyone, for any length of time. A shared experience, a common interest, or even just an open heart are all that is needed.

The transient-ness of my life these past many years has resulted in a “community” that is spread out across southern-Ontario; really across the world. There are times when this feels lonely and isolating, needing extra effort to reach out to those I may consider part of my inner community circle. Other times I feel blessed to have been a part of so many varied communities, with lingering connections. But what of a community here, where I am now; where I have chosen to stay for a time?

Starting out in a new city, and moving towards a career that can easily be isolating without intentional professional community building, has made this difficult for sure. Yet I have found a great community with my co-workers at the restaurant. Supportive, fun-loving people. A few closer friends, but many to share the experience and a drink with at our own round tables after work!

Still, reconnecting with a community from my past the other weekend I realized that as much as I value and will continue to connect with my community of co-workers, it is not currently fulfilling an aspect of myself that I wish to be exploring more again: my spirituality. I grew up in Christian church community. Grebel provided a safe space to explore that faith further and deeper; moving towards a spiritual exploration that continued to grow and change in the early years of leaving that space. Though my spiritual journey may look quite different than that of some of my peers from those earlier communities, it is still a journey I wish to develop and connect with. Without the intentional communities of my childhood church and the university residence to provide context, I'm left to find it on my own. In a new city. And feeling less comfortable seeking the connections of a Christian church. This continues to be somewhat difficult.

I am so grateful for the lessons in community building that Grebel provided all those years ago, and for the reminder and re-connection through reunion recently. My hope is that if I open myself up to the possibility of broadening my community here – of incorporating support for spiritual exploration into existing or new communities – that they will develop with a little bit of intention and a little bit of nature taking it's course!

Attitude Adjustment

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church....a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.”

~ Charles R. Swindoll

I'm sure we've all met at least one – that person with whom certain interactions brings out a side of our personality that we aren't necessarily proud of. That we maybe don't fully know how to deal with, alter, or react to.

It's definitely happened to me. One time in particular was at a cottage with old and new friends. I decided not to return the following year if the group was the same, because I didn't like who I was and how I acted and reacted with one of the other guests. It affected my enjoyment of the trip, and I'm sure it affected others' enjoyment as well. It wasn't a side of myself I wanted to emerge again, especially on vacation.

It's happening again now. With someone I can't so easily “decide not to go to the cottage” with; someone I see on a more regular basis. Someone whom I would not be surprised if the feelings are somewhat mutual; and who I'm sure can “justify” their frustration/annoyance just as easily as I can “justify” mine. Whether fully and truly valid or not.

But I realized something the other night. This situation is likely not going to change for some time. And it has more than once ruined my mood for an evening. That last point is the rub... Stronger than my frustration and annoyance with this person and our interactions, is my frustration in myself for allowing it to have the effect of ruining my evening. Why give this person; this situation; this relationship as it is so much power? It actually only increases my frustration with is displaced onto this individual, increasing my frustration again, and further ruining my mood... and so the cycle continues.

It is true that we cannot change or control another person. The only person we can change or control is ourselves. And while we may not always be able to choose or control how we feel about a certain person or situation – we can choose and control what to do about it; how to react in the moment and how it affects us (longer term).

Truth: I don't fully know how to deal with, alter or react to this or similar situations because even though it's happened a few times, the situations have either been brief, far apart, or with a clear end-point that the need to figure out how to deal with, alter or react was seemingly unnecessary. I simply chalked it up to life's experiences and moved on.

That isn't so easy to do this time.

So perhaps I have an opportunity here. An opportunity to change the way I deal with, alter, or react in this type of situation. An opportunity to change my attitude about this situation from one of on-going and increasing frustration, to one of increased personal awareness and growth. And considering earlier blog posts, we all know how much I love an opportunity for increased personal awareness and growth ;)

Wish me luck!

 

...we're a nice normal family.

 

This sign hung in the kitchen doorway at the cottage. “We're going to be in the next blog with that as the title, aren't we?!” asked my brothers with a chuckle during a late night card game. Little did they know how right they'd be. :)

My parents celebrated their 40^th wedding anniversary this past spring. And so as a family we rented a cottage on Rice Lake for a week. One whole week we spent together – all 16 of us.

We laughed together. We ate and drank together. We cooked and cleaned and played together. We swam, fished, read stories (to the kids), played baseball, played endless games of Trouble, made S'mores around the campfire, and “ooh'd and awed” at the fireworks. I cuddled with my nieces way too early in the morning, and tried to avoid the restless kicks of a 4yr old throughout the night. For 7 days we tried to forget that the outside world existed, and just enjoyed each others company in a way that one-day family dinners – interrupted by rushing to get the kids home to bed – doesn't allow. We celebrated 40 years; we celebrated each other; we celebrated the tie that bonds us.

...we're a nice normal family.

A friend commented, “40 years, wow. Is it a happy marriage, 40 years later?”

I flashed an understanding smile at the cynicism behind the question, and responded: “Yeah. I mean all couples and families have their ups and downs, but yes. They're happy... inspirational! Something I likely will never have that long myself...”

My family – we are relatively close. That's how I describe it. We share some laughs, we share some tears, we keep some secrets. We love each other quietly yet deeply; and that shines brightest when one or more of us are openly struggling with something – in “crisis mode” I call it.

For example, my parents have welcomed me back to their living space time and time again over the last 10 years when I had no where else to go; and when my heart was broken 7 years ago my protective big brothers stepped up and offered to break some legs. To this day they still get tense and wary when I refer back to that time, or talk about another who has or may hurt me.

Truth is, I have loved watching my relationship with my parents and each of my brother's change over time – as we have experienced our own life stages and events; with the introduction of sisters-in-law and children; amidst travels and moves that have taken us away from and/or brought us back to each other; through successes, challenges, and growth. Not always close, not always harmonious, but always present.

...we're a nice normal family.

Reading this sign, I had to ask myself “But what is 'normal' anymore, really?”

Families come in all shapes, sizes, and colours these days – marriages that last 40+ years, and significant relationships that don't last 40 days. Siblings who are best friends, and those who never speak. Children who are born to a family, and those that are adopted in whether legally for honorarily. So what is it that truly characterizes “a nice normal family?”

For us – I think it is an underlying respect, acceptance, and the often unspoken love. That we can be so different in our growth experiences and who we have become, yet stay connected and find our way back to each other with that thread – the tie that bonds us. Our nice normal family!

What is it for you and your's?

Apples

“Life will break you.                                                                                     

Nobody can protect you from that,

and living alone won't either, 

for solitude will also break you with its yearning. 

You have to love. 

You have to feel. 

It is the reason you are here on earth. 

You are here to risk your heart. 

You are here to be swallowed up. 

And when it happens that you are broken, 

or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, 

let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples 

falling all around you in heaps, 

wasting their sweetness.

Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

~ Louise Erdrich

It's like this black sludge that creeps in through the cracks. Just when you think you've got them all blocked up – with friends, family, hobbies, self-care... and then there it is again.

The thing I miss the most – not the cuddling, not the +1 for parties, not even really the reason to come home at the end of the day – the thing I miss the most about being in a relationship is having someone to call. Anytime, day or night. For good news or bad. To chat, or just to hear a voice say hello.

I love my friends. And I know my parents would answer the phone. But it's not the same thing.

It's not the same thing as the secrets you share. The venting you do. The laughter. It's not the same thing as having your own person the way your friends and parents have their own person. Because you know that if their person called, they'd take the call... And you want them to take that call.

I know I'm not alone in this. I know there are others – both single and in a relationship. Because this kind of loneliness is not reserved for the single... in fact I would argue that it's harder and more painful to be this kind of lonely in a relationship. I've been there too. But sometimes reaching out to those others, we end up commiserating our loneliness... and sometimes what I want is someone to help heal it, if only for a moment...

Still, I'll call a friend. I'll visit my family. I'll play my guitar, read a book, and watch some TV. I'll write a blog about it and eat brownies and ice cream at midnight. And once the cracks are all patched up I'll truly and genuinely smile and laugh. Appreciating the high, knowing that the low will eventually come again. And I'll appreciate it too, for the reminder of how sweet an apple can be.

The Choice to Lean In

“You want an easy answer? Go Jesus, Go Allah, Go, go, go Atheist. I’m a Jew.
My obligation is to wrestle. It’s to engage. It’s not just to simply blindly believe.
I mean that’s how I see it... And maybe, you’ll never decide.”
~ Rabbi Dave, Weeds

During the course of conversation with new friends last night, the topic inadvertently at a few different points leaned towards religion/spirituality, and sex/sexuality. Near the end of the night, I made a comment that this is something that seems to happen often in my conversation circles... Wondering aloud if I thought that was more about myself or others, I answered with a laugh, “Well I'm the common denominator in those situations, so likely it's more about me!”

These are two areas of life that I have struggled with, grown from, and continue to be interested in – particularly the development of... And so I engage with them, wrestle with them, read and converse about them, share my journey's story and devour those of others' who are willing to share. But what stood out for me from that conversation last night was these new friends' acknowledgement that I choose to continue to engage and wrestle with these topics that I have struggled with; that many people would instead choose to turn away and avoid them.

I've never looked at it as a choice I made or continue to make. It's just something that I do as part of my life-long journey of self discovery and awareness; of the discovery and awareness of others.

I have a yoga teacher friend from whom – in reading her writings and attending her classes, even in our face-to-face conversations – I often hear a message about leaning into the difficult spaces: the yoga poses; the emotions; the intellectual and relational struggles that pop up like tiny pebbles and giant boulders along life's path. A message about how leaning in and facing them is the only way to truly move past them, to learn, to grow. And what relief and release is finally found when that pebble can be dumped from the shoe or the boulder pushed out of the way! When we are able to contort our bodies and souls to fit into those difficult spaces comfortably! Even if just for a short time...

So maybe it has been a choice I sub-consciously made. Or maybe it's one of those things that I feel I don't have a choice about because it's just in me to engage and wrestle. I do know I've found some of my most amazing conversations, friendships, and memories because of leaning in to those spaces; leaning into the struggles of those topics; leaning into my own spiritual and sexual development. And now that I know I have a choice about it – I'm going to keep leaning in!

“I'm a big kid now”

“I've apparently been the victim of growing up, which apparently happens to all of us at one point or another. It's been going on for quite some time now, without me knowing it. I've found that growing up can mean a lot of things. For me, it doesn't mean I should become somebody completely new and stop loving the things I used to love. It means I've just added more things to my list.”

~Taylor Swift

 

I bought a bed!

A brand new queen size mattress,

and a real bed frame with a headboard.

For some this event may not mean much – a bed is typically a standard purchase when one moves out on their own; buys a house or rents an apartment; starts their life after graduation or beyond mom & dad's place.

But after years of transient living and piecing together used and borrowed items when needed, this is the first piece of new furniture I have every truly shopped for, selected, bought and owned of my own accord (OK, so I did use some birthday money towards the bed frame... but the significance remains the same! And my piano doesn't count, because I was 17yrs old at the time and it has always been at my parents' house). I even picked up the bed frame in my own little Honda Fit and put the pieces together by myself. This bed – this event – is significant to me.

My dad's supportive comment about it: “Who's going to help you move that next time?”

Truth:

This is the first time I have felt sufficiently stable and committed in my decision to be here, to actually purchase furniture.

I feel so grown up with that decision, with that purchase. It feels a little like I've taken control of my current situation, and put some direction in place for my future. It feels a little like I've matured to a point of accepting my reality and wanting to make the most of what it is, rather than trying to find an elusive what-I-thought-it-would-be.

In conversation with a new friend the other night, we talked about the constant struggle in growing up. And in some ways I hope I never stop struggling because I think that is what will in part keep me young at heart. But I am happy to have grown up beyond my single mattress.

That first night in my grown up bed I sprawled out into a star-fish shape smack-dab in the middle of it and smiled. Then I rolled up into my new comforter made specifically for this bed by my Grandma, mom, aunt and myself, and slept...