Time and Space to just BE

I really enjoy driving, always have. There is something about being in a vehicle, on the road, with nothing else to do between point A and point B except drive and just be. I flip through the radio or listen to a random CD. I'll look out the window at the scenery passing by. I will contemplate the freedom in possibility to keep driving; to go anywhere and everywhere my heart desires. But mostly I just let my mind wander.

I'm driving car #3 now – not counting the blue mini-van I sort of inherited from my parents in 3^rd year university. And while I do love my Fit, I miss the sun roof from my Sunfire! I miss opening it all the way to let the sunshine and some fresh air in. I miss leaning my head back and seeing the stars through it at night. I miss the feeling of freedom and brief connection to the outside world when the rest of the car was shut tight around me.

 
My mind wandered to that sunroof on Sunday night during my drive home. I looked out my side windows and windshield at Orion's Belt and other constellations I do not know names for, and marvelled as I have many times before at the beauty and expanse of the night sky. I kept thinking that I should pull over on a dark road and just take in the breathlessness of it.

But then I would be alone on a dark road in the middle of the night, and that just didn't feel very safe.

Instead I let my mind wander back to many of my long drives. I realized that the ending of each of my significant relationships was marked not only by a change in hair style, but also with a situation that required more frequent and longer drives. I spent a lot of time thinking on those drives. Processing. Healing. Practising conversations I could have, should have, maybe even would have had if opportunity arose. And I shed a lot of tears.

I thought about previous writings where I developed metaphors of driving along life's road: through rain with wipers that only partially and temporarily clear the view; over slippery, snow-covered roads that hide dangerous patches; headlight's that reveal only a short distance ahead; unexpected twists and turns; hills so steep you cannot see beyond them until at the very top; and other cars sharing the journey at times. Journeys that no road-map can direct you on. When feeling lost is both terrifying and an exciting adventure.

I thought about the road I was currently on, in part at least, and how different it was driving it this time – thankfully not marking the end of a relationship – compared to a time when I drove it more often. 

  

 

My attention kept returning to Orion's Belt; sometimes in front of me, sometimes to my left. I find the stars comforting, no matter which night sky I look up at; whether through a sunroof, a windshield, or no glass at all. I like the reminder that we are but one small piece of this big beautiful space. I like the seemingly constancy of it, though I know it too is ever-evolving. I like that, while I am driving, I have nothing to do but marvel at things like the night sky. I like that driving, much like the night sky, has been there for me through tears and smiles; through endings and new beginnings; through sunsets, moon-rises and stars. And I like that driving continues to be there for me, always offering time and space to just be.

Every Decision Counts

The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. 

Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it.

~ Steve Jobs

 

I remember saying to a friend at the beginning of February:  

 

“This is the month that good shit is going to happen!”

I just had a feeling that things were going to start to fall into place, particularly with starting my business. For the most part they did fairly easily and quickly. In fact I couldn't help but think every now and then, that it was almost too easy... I know I should listen to my friends' encouragements to just enjoy the process as it unfolds, to not look nor wait for the obstacles. That they may occur and will be resolved in their own time. And quite likely that if I just keep focused on the good stuff and the end goal, that the obstacles and disappointments along the way may not seem so important, rather a step on the journey.

When I started writing the blog for this week, that was to be the topic: not fully appreciating and enjoying the good by waiting for these obstacles. But as I wrote, I started to realize something else...

Early in February I was watching an episode of one of my current TV interests, and heard one character ask another:

“What is it you want to do with your life?”

Following her response, he said:

“Then every decision you make should be leading you towards that goal.”

Those words struck a cord with me and I realized how easy it is to distract ourselves with decisions that really have nothing to do with our true goals and desires. What would happen if I started to view every decision I made as leading me towards my goal of opening my own private counselling practice? So I started repeating those words to myself whenever I was faced with a decision: decisions about finalizing and furnishing office space; confirming a clinical supervisor; activities to engage in during my “spare” time; and who to connect or network with in the community. And seemingly less relevant, every day decisions about my appearance and behavioural presentation when in public; time spent visiting family and friends out of town; time spent and activities engaged in with friends in town; how to respond to the text from that cute guy asking me to hang out...

Simply asking myself, “how will this decision lead me towards my goal” helped to keep the goal in the forefront of my mind. Even when the decision didn’t directly impact it.

It wasn't that I became obsessed with this goal. I definitely allowed myself down time, choosing to relax and indulge in other activities I enjoyed like playing my guitar and watching Netflix. Simply because sometimes a break is as important as the work.

I also found myself thinking about some of the other areas of my life that I wanted to focus on and give attention to. Things like my friendships, my family, the possibility of a romantic relationship. Things like writing for an on-line dating blog and keeping up with my own personal blog, making music, reading for pleasure, cooking healthy meals, baking treats, and attempting to maintain some kind of a fitness routine. And so I added these to the list of “how will this decision lead me towards my goal(s).”

As I look back over the past 6 weeks I am starting to see how much that one simple question impacted my activities and progress. Perhaps equally important is that I have thoroughly enjoyed most if not all of the activities I engaged in. Knowing that my decisions are moving me towards the goals that I have for myself and reflecting the areas of my life that I want to be developing and giving attention to has in some ways, without me even realizing it, given new meaning to all that I do. Watching Netflix is no more a waste of time or mindless distraction. It is a relaxing break I enjoy and allow myself to indulge in!

Ok, so maybe Netflix is still a mindless distraction sometimes. But I'm putting less stress and pressure on my daily life. I feel like I am accomplishing something every day, which increases my motivation and a sense of achievement in the process. All because of one little question that I started asking myself over and over again:

How will this decision lead me towards my goal(s)?

Rude Reminders

Mom went back to the hospital the other day. With what turned out to be the flu.

It had been too easy to forget sometimes. Or not to forget so much as to down play it. Since the first treatment, she had been doing relatively well! Moments or hours of discomfort, fatigue, nausea, and other side effects. But in general, feeling ok. At least that's how she would sound over the phone.

I started out calling daily, then every other day. Now, sometimes 3 or even 4 days will pass before we are able to catch each other on the phone with time to talk. She has felt more comfortable and sometimes well enough to get out of the house or to socialize with visitors who come to her. I have my own things going on here, in my life. Three hours away.

So sometimes it is easy to forget. Easy to down play it.

But as with most things in life, a reality check often arises sooner than later. The text from oldest Brother was a reminder of many things:

I live 3 hours away.

And so cannot be the one to take Mom to the hospital, nor to relieve Brother in order to take my turn.

The flu is never just the flu when one is also under-going treatment for cancer.

My Mom has cancer.

Is the reminder meant to say “Don't get too comfortable with this new normal. Another may be just around the corner.”

Is it meant to jar one back to sending positive energy, thoughts, prayers, or whatever word you want to use to describe that kind of support. The kind of support you offer when you can't be there. In person. Driving to the hospital.

Is it meant to slow you down yet again. To not push the healing body beyond what it is busy doing right now – healing. To slow you down yet again to enjoy the moments of life as they attempt to speed by. The blessings, the successes, the struggles, the set-backs.

Is it not so much a reminder of anything rather quite simply, though not so simple at all, the flu.

I went for a run on the treadmill after work that night. Because I had excess energy that I didn't know what to do with. Because I wanted to out run some of my anxiety. The characters on the TV show distracting me were talking about survival strategies. Because it is about survival – all of it, really. The healing, the fighting, the forgetting, the positive thoughts/prayers, even the anxiety. It's about feeling the feelings because then you know you are alive, no matter what. You are alive! You are surviving!

My anxiety often sits on my chest, makes me feel like I can't take deep breaths. Which makes me feel like I can't calm myself. It makes me feel breathless. Which in the end provides an opportunity to slow down, “...to face, learn from, grow with, and enjoy every moment, every change, every challenge, every opportunity that life throws at me...” Isn't that what I said I wanted to do in my first blog this year?!

Sometimes it is the rude reminders that help me remember to Be Breathless.

Taking My Own Advice

“Self reliance conquers any difficulty”

~ Yogi Bhajan

I was freaking out a little bit a few weeks ago, as we do, about a guy I was kind of interested in. Not sure what to do about the situation, I consulted the opinions of my friends. Analyzed their thoughts compared to my own. And still didn't know what to do...

Then I had a realization: I am heading into a career where people will potentially be looking to me for advice about what to do about a particular situation. I, on the other hand, want to empower them to realize the answers on their own – either finding they already know within themselves or at least have access to the proper resources to figure it out. If I expect others to trust me in guiding them on that process, shouldn't I start to trust myself in the same way?

Maybe I should start taking my own advice.

When friends and family come to me for a listening ear, I admit I am a little more free with the advice-giving. Often this is received with appreciation, even if the advice is not followed. Even more so when the advice given returns with favourable results! If others trust my insight into a situation and advice on how to handle it, shouldn't I start to trust myself in the same way?

Maybe I should start taking my own advice.

What better time to start then by taking my own advice about taking my own advice! So I asked myself, what would I tell myself if I came to me with this situation? Immediately I knew what I wanted to do.

Unfortunately that particular situation didn't turn out exactly how I had hoped. Perhaps I had already gone too far in trying out some of the opinions and advice I'd received from friends, to go back to my instincts. Perhaps the lesson was not in the outcome. Because still, I felt empowered. I had re-tuned to my instincts, began to trust myself, and allowed myself to be the expert in my own life. And, perhaps most importantly, I was true to myself; true to who I was and who I wanted to portray to the world. I accepted myself and took the risk of being accepted (or rejected) for exactly who I was in this situation.

Rather than let disappointment with the outcome pull me away from myself, I decided to hold onto that feeling of empowerment and being true to myself. I will still consult with my friends, after all they often have valuable insight and support to offer. But I have decided to try to put more trust in the process of re-connecting with my instincts on all avenues of my life's path. I have decided to start putting more trust in myself and to start taking my own advice!

What changed you?

When starting a business most everything else takes the back burner for a certain period of time. At least that's one of the things I've learned in the past couple weeks.

Another is that when you are forced to "take a few days off" due to illness, no one else does the work for you. It just doesn't get done. And then you are behind. In everything...

All this to say I didn't get a blog written for this past week...

But instead of leaving you with you nothing - here is a better late than never thought to ponder:

With that in mind, I want to invite you lovely readers to share some of your contents! What has changed you, and how?

Feel free to use the comments section. Or better yet, if you would like to share in the way of a full blog-post let me know. I would love to have a few guest posts to share sometimes! After all, exploring the contents is something we all do in our own weird & wonderful ways.

(**if interested in writing a guest post, private message me on Facebook, gmail, or leave a note here and I will figure out how to get in touch with you for more details.)

A Year or Two... or Five... or 14?

 

Time is not measured by the years that you live

But by the deeds that you do and the joy that you give - 

And each day as it comes brings a chance to each one

To love to the fullest, leaving nothing undone

That would brighten the life or lighten the load

Of some weary traveler lost on Life's Road -

So what does it matter how long we may live

If as long as we live we unselfishly give.

~ Helen Steiner Rice

I had just gotten off the phone with someone who has offered me space in their clinic. We were beginning to talk specifics: rent, when I could start moving in furniture, expected starting date, etc. And he asked if I saw this as a long-term arrangement. I faltered for a second, then asked what he considered “long-term”.

“Five years?” he suggested.

As I re-played the conversation in my head, complete with stumbling over my time-rehearsed and well-used anti-committal excuses, I had to stop and ask myself, “What am I doing all this for then?”

Seriously, do I really think that I'm putting all this time, energy, effort and stress into starting a business... for a few months? Are the actions I'm taking not actually the epitome of committing to a long-term? Even if I define that as something different than five years? So why can't I just say it?

With the exception of school and one contract-position, the only actual time-defined commitments I've made in the past 14 years are the apartment leases I've signed. And I got out of one of those earlier than the agreed upon time. Any jobs I've held or relationships I've been in... just... sort of... lasted. Until they didn't.

But this. This is different.

First of all, I bought a bed last year. It made my transient life a little more difficult to move so often. So, as I said in my phone conversation, I have no plans to go anywhere else anytime soon.

Second, this kind of thing that I'm doing here, it takes time. Time to become established; time to become known; time to make enough money to move somewhere else. And even then, a move to a different city, well it's like starting all over again. How many times do I really think I plan on doing that?!

I've been working on a business plan. But after that phone conversation I realized I may need to put more thought into the time-lines. Maybe I'm not quite ready to say yes to five years. But that doesn't mean I can't define long-term in my own way. And it doesn't mean there isn't room for developments along the way that will affect or change those long-term plans. But I do have to start somewhere.

And really, when I think about how fast the last year or two... or 14 years of my life have gone; plus my excitement with finally be making this goal happen... Well, I just might find myself with no plans to go anywhere else after another year or two or 14 either!

 

Let's (not) Talk About It

It takes courage to stay true to yourself when so many voices
 are telling you to follow a more conventional path.

~ Sara Eckel, 
Stop telling Single Women they're 'Fabulous'

I had a thought the other day... actually, I've kind of had this thought a few times. But this time I decided to write it out.

It came to me after reading an article called Stop telling Single Women they're 'Fabulous'. There are many great points/quotes from that article, and I really felt emotionally connected and energized by it. I don't think I could have written it better myself, and to write a direct comment or response to it would likely be, I fear, redundant. I almost want to just post the link & call it my blog for this week!

But then my thought was this:

You know how during the many conversations about homosexuality (ie. equal relationship rights, acceptance vs. tolerance, etc.), people will comment that they look forward to the day when we won't have these conversations because it won't be an issue anymore? For example:

Just change the topic from homosexuality to singleness or even childlessness, and yeah, that was my thought. I look forward to the day when there won't be articles like the one mentioned above. When no request for respect nor explanation of what it means or what it is like to be [fill in the blank] is needed; because black or white (or any other colour), man or woman, gay or straight, male or female (or any expression in between), single or in relationship, parent or childless (read: really cool aunt/uncle)... it won't matter!

The unfortunate thing is, those conversation(s) may only disappear because a new one has taken it's place. We seem to be a people who need something to complain about; something to debate; some reason to look down on or criticize the proverbial them...

So I look forward to the day when people can just live their lives without scrutiny; when diversity is not tolerated, accepted, nor even celebrated – because it just is.

Then again, a world where we don't have various issues to debate and discuss... well, it sounds kind of boring... Plus, what would I write about?!

A Legacy Worth Sharing

My life goes on in endless song, Above earth's lamentations...
Through all the tumult and the strife I hear it's music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul. How can I keep from singing?

~ Robert W Lowry

Last weekend I had the privilege of singing with a choir at the memorial service for a well-known and respected member of the community. A privilege because, even though I did not know this woman except as a familiar face from fall choir rehearsals, in that hour my life was indirectly touched by her.

Perhaps it is true that this moment held different meaning for me because I learned of this woman's 5-year battle with cancer around the same time I learned of my own Mom's diagnosis. Still, I was moved by the stories of her life as shared by her sister, her daughters, co-workers and friends. Stories of the impact this woman had made in the world: through her profession in the health-care field and initiating change in policies and procedures; through social outreach and community volunteer opportunities fit into an already busy schedule; through parenting her biological children and opening her heart and home to “adopted daughters” in need of support.

Testimonies of the life she led; of the lives she touched. A tribute to the legacy she leaves in her wake.

It seems sometimes as though there are fewer and fewer stories of self-less living in today's world. Of individuals who go far beyond the norm in terms of reaching out, supporting, and easing the journey of others on life's path. And so to come across such a story; such a life; such an individual is note-worthy.

There is a part of me that wishes I had had the opportunity to spend time with and to know this woman. And yet after the service, I feel as though I did!

The final song shared by the choir was We Rise Again. This song in particular moved me to tears, as the words “we rise again in the faces of our children...” speaks so clearly about the influence and legacy created and left behind by anyone who participates in family and community even a fraction as much as this woman did. She will be greatly missed, that is true. But – she will continue to rise again in the faces of her children. She will continue to indirectly impact the world and inspire people the way I was impacted and inspired by her: through a legacy that reaches much further in the lives and stories of her many loved ones!

It might take months

 

A gardener learns more in the mistakes than in the successes.

~ Barbara Dodge Borland

Who has learned to garden who did not at the same time learn to be patient?

~ H.L.V. Fletcher 

Much to my Mom and Grandma's dismay, I did not inherit their green-thumb. I do not have a talent for gardening and all things related. I cannot name that rare gem in the flowerbed, though I will agree it's very pretty. I take pictures of flowers when I travel because my Mom and Grandma will be interested. I go shopping at green-houses with them for the quality time spent together, though I bore and tire much faster than they do. And when I receive a plant as a gift, in addition to the appreciation and desire for more greenery in my home, I feel an immediate sense of guilt knowing it will likely not survive me nor my plant-nibbling cat.

But I continue to try. Always hoping that eventually one plant will survive! I'll pay more attention to the instructions my Mom gives me. I'll do my best to remember when I've watered it last, and to notice when it may need more (or less) sunlight. I'll put it in a hard to reach place and shoo my cat away. Yes, each time I have the best of intentions...

My three success stories involve a cactus, a swamp-like plant that was most happy sitting in water (both of which went missing at some point), and a bonsai tree which seems to be tougher than dehydration, over-watering, and a pot-shattering fall from the window sill (though this is currently at my Mom's awaiting re-potting).

But I have lost track of the number of times the same spider plant has visited my Mom to be nursed back to health. Last time I just left it there.

My current attempt involves a jade. Apparently these plants are among the easiest to care for. They do not require direct sunlight, nor do they require much water. Very little in fact.

I over-watered it.

Not to be completely discouraged, this hearty plant stores water in it's leaves, so it was just the bottom that drowned, rotted and broke apart. I still have healthy green leaves on top. Phone call to Mom – how do I save it?

“Put it in wet soil & leave it alone.”

(Did I mention that I'm not a naturally patient person?)

A couple weeks later I tested it. No roots had started. I've watched my Mom put parts of a spider plant into a cup of water and roots started to grow. I'll try that!

A couple weeks later, the bottom is rotting in a cup of water. Yet I still have healthy green leaves on top! Another phone call to Mom – how do I save it?

“Put it in wet soil and leave it alone.”

Yeah, but I tried that already!

“It might take a long time.”

Like, months?

“Yes...”

I know what you're thinking. This sounds like the perfect kind of plant for a non-green-thumb like myself. But did I mention that I'm not a naturally patient person?

Shortly after that last phone call with Mom, it dawned on me. This plant is like a lot of things in my life right now. They might take a long time to take root and actually start to grow – like months. And I will need to keep practising my patience in the mean-time. Not too much water, no direct sunlight.

Just put it in some wet soil and leave it alone.

Hopefully in a few months I might have a beautiful garden... or at least one little plant with the hint of roots! Maybe they've started to grow already. Maybe I should just go check...

(Did I mention that I'm not a naturally patient person?!)

Nothing?Everything?Something

 

  “Is it possible to think of nothing and remain awake?

Is thinking of nothing the same as not thinking at all?

Is being conscious of something the same as thinking?

...Thinking is about something or other.”

~ Jeff Mason, Thinking of Nothing

 

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to turn my brain off. To think about nothing.

The other day I was getting ready for work: taking a shower, doing my hair, putting on my make-up, getting dressed... All of a sudden 45min had gone by. I hadn't eaten yet, and I was on the verge of being late. I was lost in thought...

I can't even tell you what I was thinking about exactly. Except to say everything.

I tried to take a nap before going to work for an over-night shift. The moment I laid my head on the pillow and closed my eyes, my mind started racing. Song lyrics, to-do lists, e-mails, text messages, processing feelings, events... I was consumed and energized by thoughts of everything.

What would it be like to think about nothing?

To have quiet in my mind. Stillness in my heart. Calm in my soul. Just for five minutes. I'd even settle for 30 seconds sometimes. Thirty seconds of nothingness. I've tried meditating before; repeating one single phrase; counting my breaths. But even then, I'm thinking about that phrase. I'm thinking about my breath.

What would it be like to think about nothing?

I remember often asking a boyfriend years ago, “what are you thinking about?” and being annoyed when he answered with “Nothing.” You must be thinking about something, you can't just not be thinking about anything.

Now, I am some-what envious of this ability to think about nothing. How does one do that, I wonder? And realize that even while thinking about nothing, I am in fact thinking about something.

The First Treatment

“When someone has cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does too.”

~ Terri Clark

Mom had her first chemotherapy treatment last week. Afterwards, people wondered how it went. Did it go well, they asked?

All I could think was, how would one know that? And can a situation where there is poison dripping into your body for 3 hours really be described as going well?

It was a bit strange being in that room, as someone had warned me it may be. It struck me that cancer really does affect all walks of life: Men and Women; young and old; even the Conservative Mennonite couple in the corner. Most people had at least one friend or family member with them. Some were playing cards, others were reading or watching the personal TV available at each chair. The volunteers were wonderfully and annoyingly upbeat; welcome and welcoming to first-timers. One of the nurses said to me, as we were gathering our things to leave, that if we wanted perhaps next time someone could drop Mom off and pick her up again after. That there really wasn't much for us to do during the treatment. I was slightly offended by this. Why should anyone have to wait out their treatment time on their own? Sometimes it is reassuring to have someone just sit with you. To know you are not going through it alone.

Yet, I was most intrigued by a man who sat by himself. With a small grin ever-present on his face.

He had no book to read; no friend to chat to. The personal TV above his chair remained silent, pushed back facing the wall. He simply sat there, tubes attached to his arm, taking in the room around him. With a small, contented grin.

I found my attention returning to his face time and time again. I wondered, what was it about that place that inspired that contented grin. What was it about his situation that allowed that contented grin. And what was it about that grin that offered me a small morsel of peace, of hope, of contentedness. There, in that room full of poison. Full of cancer.

Every once in awhile it will hit me anew: my Mom has cancer.

And it takes my breath away.

I admire her strength in facing this, her hope and optimism in this fight.

For, as younger Brother highlighted, “I don't know what we can do... she just has to go through it”.

As do we all, really. One treatment at a time; one day at a time.