Someday-Today-Everyday

One day you will wake up and there won't be anymore time to do the things you've always wanted... Do it now!

~ Paulo Coelho

 

I have this bulletin board that I'm pretty sure I bought years ago when I was in University; that for quite sometime now I have been meaning to use to create a vision board for myself. Pictures of the life I dream of, goals I want to achieve, activities I want to do, places I want to see... a reminder on the good and tough days to keep going!

Yet even now that bulletin board is mostly empty. Thoughts of someday I will do it, when I have time, when I have money, when I have space. And sometimes I wonder, what does that say about my vision for myself?

A few weeks ago I was invited to participate in a virtual conference for entrepreneurs and small business owners. The timing was quite perfect in many ways, as I was feeling lost for motivation, inspiration, and knowledge about what to do to move my business another step forward. I learned a lot, sitting at my kitchen table and listening to various webinars about marketing, time-management, commitment. And focus.

What has lingered, even as the initial excitement of such events begins to fade? One marketing strategy already put in place and other ideas percolating in my mind. A time-management formula I try to stick to, with a “tomorrow I'll do it better” loop in my plans. And focus.

If there is one thing that truly resonated with me and stuck with me from this virtual conference, it is the need to focus. To name it. To envision clearly what I truly want my business -my practice- to be.

I have thrown my name in the ring, saying that someday I want to narrow down my scope of practice. Someday I will take more courses in the counselling approaches and strategies I believe in; someday I will narrow down the kind of clients I accept; someday I will do what I really want to do. For now I will take on whatever comes my way. And someday – when I have gained more experience and started making some money – I will focus.

And sometimes I wonder, what does that say about my vision for myself?

What if someday was today? What if I created my vision and named my focus today? And what if I worked towards it everyday? What if someday was everyday?

Would I find the motivation, inspiration, and knowledge of what to do next? And what would it say about my vision for myself? I suppose it can't hurt to try.

I've tried starting a business without naming the focus of what I truly want to work towards – now. And here I sit... not in the place I thought I would be in; not in the place I wanted to be in. So instead of continuing to push forward in the space I'm in, I'm going to try something different. I'm going to take a step backwards. I'm going to try a new path; with that will hopefully provide more direction, and I'm going to see where that takes me. Maybe, just maybe I will find that someday is today and everyday!

Who do I show my weakness to?

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”
~ Criss Jami

A few months ago I was going through a bit of a low period when a friend commented, “I wish you would write a blog so I could know what you're thinking about.”
A voice inside me whispered, “Then ask me.”

What I wanted in that moment was someone to talk to; someone to really and truly open up and share all of my innermost thoughts and deepest fears with as they were occurring. But I often have difficulty being the first to open up. Once I get talking (especially after a glass or 2 of wine!), or after some time to process and diminish the intensity, it mostly comes tumbling out. But sometimes I need a little patient push to get started. And even then, to share the innermost and deepest in the moment, it usually has to be the right person(s)...

Which has begged the question for me, who do I show my weakness to?

Because I have often been referred to as strong, capable, brave. I am the one others come to; the one others share their innermost and deepest with; the one who offers support in many ways. So much so that I sometimes feel as though I cannot let my weakness show, because I have to be strong for the others.

I remember the first time that question truly formed in my mind. I was sitting in a workshop about supporting people who struggle with mental illness. The facilitator was talking about naming and affirming the strength we see in those individuals; something they may have difficulty seeing in themselves. And while I wholeheartedly agree with that approach, I found myself asking “But who do I show my weakness to?”

 
Because for those of us who wear that strong mask, for those of us who can wear it often and well; sometimes we long to take it off. If only for a moment. Sometimes we need to take it off, if only for a moment. And sometimes – often times – it is difficult to know who will be strong enough to pick it up and carry it until we are ready to put it back on.

 

Especially if we have misjudged someone's ability to do so before and found the mask lying cracked at our feet.



I remember hiking one spring over trails that still had the occasional patch of ice. I felt the grip tighten around my hand every time we came across such a spot, and I was reassured. In that moment, if only for a moment, I knew that if I stumbled someone would catch me; if I fell someone would pick me up; if I let go someone would hold on. That moment passed before I ever got to the point of fully taking off my mask. But the experience left me with a sense that I wanted to find that feeling again; I wanted to learn to trust it; and to be able to drop my mask when I needed to.

Learning to trust someone to take care of the mask? Though the past year in particular has pushed me in new ways to open up in the moment, I still have difficulty with that. Who do I show my weakness to? There are a few I can count on in the most intense innermost and deepest moments ~ when I let myself do so, which can sometimes be as difficult as finding someone worthy of that trust.

And then, after time to process and diminish the intensity, it mostly comes tumbling out in a blog!

Downsizing to More

 

“Imagine how much richer life would be if we moved the junk out and made room for new opportunities ...”

~ BetsyTalbot

Voluntary simplicity, in its widest context, refers to living an examined life; 

in other words, one in which you have determined what is important for you and your immediate family 

discarding the rest.

~ Trent Hamm

I missed posting a blog last week – and then I had only today to get the last one out for this month. I missed it in large part because I was working hard on some projects to turn this:

into something more like this:

 

In part because my parents were coming to visit for a night. Mostly because it was time to get things settled into place; to get myself settled into place. And though there are still a few details left to add, I do feel much more settled into my cute little bachelor apartment with all it's character and charm!

It was interesting to me, the reaction I got from some people when I was apartment hunting. The landlord tried to sell me on the 1-bedroom unit she had available in the same house. A few friends raised eyebrows or offered cautious smiles and warnings about such a small place. But I was looking for space enough for just me (and my cat!) To which one friend replied, “Yeah but it may not always be just you...”

Thing is I wasn't signing a lease at this place as a (sad) reflection of my then single status. I did it because I didn't want to spend excess money furnishing a full apartment. Because I didn't want parts of a unit I was paying for to go mostly unused. Because I know I get stressed and scattered when my living space feels cluttered and full of items I don't use. Because I knew I wanted to downsize to a manageable space; a space I could fill literally and metaphorically with only the things I needed; a space that felt – safe!

Just think with me for a minute – about the space, room, piece of furniture, or whatever it might be that you gravitate to first when you come home. A space where you are able to let everything go, to rejuvenate yourself, to figure out your next plan of action. Even if that plan of action is to go to a different space or room in your home. In short, your safe space.

For me, it is my bedroom.

During my travels around Australia, I mostly stayed in 4-6 bed dorm-room style hostels. One traveling companion noticed and commented on how I would crawl onto my bed every time I returned to the room; no matter the time of day nor how long I'd been away. I realize now that it was my safe space. The space that I could claim as my own, where I could let everything go, rejuvenate, and figure out my next plan of action. In other shared living arrangements – University dorm rooms, houses shared with friends, even as far back as as my childhood home growing up with 3 brothers – the only space I was ever able to call completely and solely my own was where I slept.

A bachelor apartment made sense and was exciting to me because the entire living space could be arranged to be my safe space! I will admit there have been times in the last two months when an extra storage closet would have been nice; or a few extra square feet to fit in that drawer unit that holds my office type materials; or room for a table/desk to set my look-at-later mail and paperwork pile on.

But I am learning to function with a “if you don't need it or have a space to store it, get rid of it” mentality. My living space is becoming more manageable. My life, as a reflection, is becoming more manageable. And perhaps that has been the best part of downsizing. Not only have I been able to expand my safe space to include more of my living space; I am also learning how to live more with less!

(I) Past Present...

 

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. 

Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; 

what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” 

~ PauloCoelho, TheZahir

I could hear myself re-telling the story again – the story that had defined and impacted much of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences of dating, love and relationships ever since it's events unfolded years ago. It's a story I've re-lived so many times I could recite it backwards, upside down, and in my sleep if I needed to (and maybe even have). But it wasn't the content that caught my attention this time anyway. It was the hesitating tone of my voice, the defeated slump of my shoulders, and the cautious knots in my gut.

Why so serious? Why so anxious? Why so protective of the details? 

Why was it still such a big deal?

Suddenly I realized:

I was judging myself by my past.

This story that I eventually told to anyone who would listen – new friends, new potential suitors – had become something I used to explain myself. To explain who I was and why I acted or reacted in certain ways. To explain why I was single and not in a hurry to commit, label, or even trust.

I was essentially using that and other stories from my past as a way to define my present and direct my future. Judging myself by my past.

I realized after that story-telling experience that I didn't want to live in my past anymore. That story – like all the stories from my past – are only individual pieces of my life. Yes, they have shaped who I am. But I had done work on acknowledging how and moving on. I had started to open space for new stories to begin in my present, and to allow for a change in direction for my future.

Perhaps the next step to letting go was lifting the weight of those stories, releasing the judgment and truly living where I was: here and now.

Somewhere in the months that followed I must have started doing that. It's difficult to describe exactly how freeing it feels. But there seems to be less pressure in my life for certain things to be “a big deal”; and more space in my being to react organically to the changing directions. For example, I'm finding that this time while swapping life-stories with someone new I am more selective about what I share and when; yet less protective of the details when conversation leads that way. It no longer matters as much. Because I am who I am today, not yesterday. And I am likely going to change direction many times over before I get to where I'm going tomorrow.

But she doesn't look sick....

from Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

~ Judith Viorst

For the past month and half when someone asks how Mom is doing, I am happily able to report that she is doing well! She gained some strength back during the break between treatments; and the side effects from this round and this type of chemo do not seem to be hitting as hard. Makes it easier to keep spirits up and to stay a bit more active. Makes it easier to forget, or down play; especially when living at a distance and not truly seeing or experiencing the day-to-day, moment-to-moment stuff.

That is the tricky thing about cancer though, isn't it. It hides in the deep recesses of one's being, causing harm with little outward evidence at first. Even for those in treatment it is often the side effects of the drugs that cause more pain and discomfort than the cancer cells themselves.

So she doesn't look sick. In fact, when Mom and Dad returned from their summer vacation she looked amazing! How can she be sick?

Living this experience one day at a time, it is easy to forget that so many good days in a row will eventually give way to a not-so-good day. I don't say that to be pessimistic nor to take away from the enjoyment of the good days.

Rather I mention it because when a not-so-good day hits... it is yet another rude reminder... and how prepared you are for that reality will influence how hard you are hit with it.

I was not prepared. Because she didn't look sick.

Though this time I was home and able to lend moral support if not actually getting my hands dirty. This time I was home, which is difficult in a different way then being at a distance. As they say, sometimes watching someone in pain is more difficult then going through it yourself. A sign of deep love when you wish for anything that would allow you to go through it instead of the loved one. Anything that would take away their discomfort.

The wonder of modern medicine and it's ability to ease those not-so-good days is something we should not take lightly. Mom bounced back quickly and kept her appointment for the following morning! A true sign of the strength I have witnessed in her all my life; a sign that the rock she is for our family is still there even in her own time of need.

A sign that the not-so-good day(s) will eventually give way to the good day(s)!

And aren't these lessons we can all take in this life?! That not looking sick is not necessarily a sign of health. And more importantly - to enjoy the good days and persevere in the not-so-good days, because one always gives way to the other eventually!

Party-pooper is a name I've been called before

 

The one who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. 

The one who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been before.

~ Albert Einstein

What is ALS?  

Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), often referred to as "Lou Gehrig's Disease," is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord... When the motor neurons die, the ability of the brain to initiate and control muscle movement is lost. 

 

When I was younger if I didn't want to do something, rather than wish my comrades well in their chosen activities and go on my way, I would pout a little and get angry. Frustrated that things weren't going the way I'd planned or wanted. I'd like to think that I have grown and matured past this kind of reaction and behaviour... yet for the last few days I have been hearing that voice in the back of my head yelling “But I don't want to dump ice-water over my head!” Complete with fists clenched, mouth in a pout, and the stomp of a foot.

I have never really been one to jump too quickly on the fad-band-wagon. Or at least I have been very selective about which ones I do join. And I have had mixed feelings about this ALS ice-bucket challenge since the very first video showed up on my Facebook newsfeed. Knowing a nomination was at some point inevitable... I vowed to find a diplomatic way of politely declining, while feeling some camaraderie support among others who either did the same out-right or with a creative variation. Like this guy. Or this woman. Or these people.

Truth is I find it frustrating that, as one friend pointed out over drinks, we are a people who respond to gimmicks and ploys such as the ice-bucket challenge; that perhaps in some way we even need them in order to feel justified in giving of our money, time, talents, etc to benefit those in need.

I appreciate that a tremendous amount of awareness and finances have been raised for ALS! That truly is fantastic, and I do not mean to take away from the success. In fact even with this blog, conversations about ALS and donating of time and resources are continuing. But do we really need to instigate a world-wide dumping of water in order to achieve this? When so many struggle hourly to find clean drinking water? When our own natural resources in such a relatively rich country are dwindling faster than anyone would care to admit?

Despite the raised awareness – which again I struggle with, as my own experience of the multiple videos gracing my newsfeed really has taught me nothing about ALS specifically (until I did my own Google search for this blog) other than that the organizations supporting and researching are in need of money; as are so many other non-profit organizations and charities these days – it seems as though for some of those videos the donating is secondary to the opportunity to make a video that was better then the friend who nominated and to become “famous” on Facebook or even YouTube... if only for a moment.

The only thing ALS support organizers have done differently than any other charity is find a gimmick that works. For now...

And good for them! I have heard from those who participated how fun it was to gather friends and family together to complete the challenge. I have heard arguments that it's working, and at least it is something which is better than nothing. I have heard specific heart-warming stories of how the surplus of donations has been used to support those struggling with ALS on a daily basis. And I am glad for all those things! Please do not let my party-pooper attitude take away from your own experience of this challenge, nor from the success it has gained.

But tell me, what happens next week? Next month? Next year? What happens when everyone who can be has been nominated and the last of the videos aired? For all of you who have completed the ice-bucket challenge and made your one-time donation to support ALS, what will you do next? What will I do next?

I'd like to see this gimmick give way to a bigger, deeper challenge for us all:

Don't let the spirit of fun, something better than nothing, and heart-warming stories of success fade with the chill that the ice-water gave you. What can you/we do next?

I used to tithe 10% of my income every month. A practice I stopped years ago. In responding to this challenge and my own nomination earlier this week I am feeling challenged to, in one way shape or form, start doing that again. Whether it is with regular financial contributions to various organizations, or giving of some other resource, talent or excess that I have to share as the Aussie newscaster suggested in the video link above. The what, how much and where to is likely less important than the acknowledgment that I have excess; less important than the awareness of someone other than myself who is in need; less important than the actual doing of something which is better than nothing.

And so Big Brother - “thank you” for the nomination, the opportunity to share my views on the ice-bucket challenge; and the inspiration to challenge myself to continue it's spirit in the days to come. I will make a donation to ALS, but this party-pooper will not be dumping an ice-bucket over my head. And only in part because I hate the idea of subjecting my body to ice-cold water!

* I nominate everyone who has already or will participate in the ALS ice-bucket challenge to join me in continuing it's spirit in the days to come; to find your own way of always answering the “What can I do next?” question!

Cleaning House

Have nothing in your home that you do not know to be useful 

or believe to be beautiful.

~ William Morris

 

I have this dream sometimes, about a house with lots of rooms. It's not always the same house, though there are a few I have visited more than once in my sleep. But always the house has many rooms – sometimes multiple kitchens, living/rec rooms, bathrooms, bedrooms. Sometimes there have even been secret hidden passage ways for moving between rooms! 

 

Dream interpretations will tell you that a house is a symbol for the self. The various rooms represent different aspects of the self, and whichever are prominent in the dream point towards which aspect(s) of the self to pay attention to. The presence of many rooms may be suggesting a choice to be made with many possible options. For me, I think the multiple rooms sometimes represented things from my past that I had not fully let go of – people, possibilities/opportunities, choices or decisions left unfinished; thus not truly allowing space for new rooms to flourish.

In the last couple of weeks I have cut some of those ties. I stumbled upon and sought out opportunities for closure. More importantly, I wanted to find closure and cut ties. To let go of the lingering stale energies. To walk away from the potential drama. To release the fear of having nothing there. To create space for the possibility of something new or different.

Some of the ties were easy to cut. Others, not so much. One or two may still have tiny threads not completely frayed loose. And still there are probably more that need attending to. Not all at once. Not necessarily in the light of some significant situation. Rather an awareness of what around me is bringing me energy and life; and what around me is draining.

This week I had a dream about a smaller house full of people. A few familiar faces, but many not so. Cramped into a tiny kitchen, living room, one bathroom, and too few bedrooms. I had the distinct feeling that this was not ok. I wanted my own space back. Perhaps this was a reflection that in my awake life I have been cleaning house. No longer are there empty rooms for stuff to linger. In the most endearing way possible, I hear myself saying: “If you don't fit in my house, get the f* out!”

I want to be a Selfish-people-pleaser

"Every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling "This is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!" 

And every day, it's up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, "No. This is what's important."
~ Iain S. Thomas. 

What's harmful gets no more of my attention. I'm not wrestling with the ignorant; instead, I'm celebrating real heroes, steps in the right direction, victories, progress and love. I choose what's good and fun and smart and supportive from here on in. Now I'm fighting like I know I'm winning - because I am.

~ Asia Nelson

One of the things I am loving about my close friendships in my 30s is that many of us are struggling with some learning-/growth-potential experiences; together!

Let me clarify – it's not that I love that we are all struggling with sh!t... Though I know the growth/learning potential is good and important, I also know the struggling still sucks. Rather I love walking beside, hearing about, and watching the learning & growth that happens! It's so exciting to hear someone say “Ok, I get it now... that's why that happened, this is what I'm taking from it, and here's what I'm gonna do about it.”

(No surprise then for the career I've now chosen)

The other thing I love about it – sometimes in a friend's a-ha! moment, I learn something too!

Case in point just the other week when Friend said something along the lines of “I want to stop worrying about everyone else, and every day do only what is going to make me happy!”

Sound a little selfish?

Maybe.

But maybe not when you put it in the context of what makes Friend happy: spending time with family, friends, alone; working, playing, relaxing...

If what makes Friend happy is not only ensuring self needs/wants are met, but also those of loved ones – then what makes Friend happy may actually become Selfish-people-pleasing. When Friend is happy, loved ones are happy (at least in the context of Friend)... when loved ones are happy, Friend is happy.

It's a balance thing – all things in moderation?!

So if Friend wakes up and decides today I want to spend time with family/Partner/friend(s) – both self and family/Partner/friend(s) benefit from the time spent together.

Self-pleased + people-pleased = selfish-people-pleasing!

If Friend wakes up and decides today I want to spend time by myself – the self benefits from the rejuvenation time. BUT – family/Partner/friend(s) indirectly benefits from this too because Friend will likely be more rested, balanced, and eager to spend time with and support family/Partner/friend(s) when/if they need it.

Self-pleased + indirectly (and/or eventually) people-pleased = Selfish-people-pleasing!

I think it's important though, that the Selfish part comes before the people-pleasing. We hear this all the time in the social services field – self-care, self-care, self-care is pounded into our heads. Because we can only take care of others (people-please) when we first take care of ourselves (Selfish).

I can hear some of my friends and family who have children balking with a “Yeah, but...” And while I know I can't wholeheartedly defend this idea in that light because I am not a parent – and there will certainly be exceptional times when the people-pleasing will need to trump the Selfish (whether a parent or not) – I will argue that a) (hopefully) caring for your child(ren) does in some ways fit under the category of “things that make me happy”; and b) I'll say it again: if we are not taking proper care of ourselves we are less able to take proper care of our loved ones – including our children. Added bonus: you are potentially teaching your children that taking care of self is important and valuable; and helping them to become Selfish-people-pleasers too!

 

 

So dear friends, if you feel so inclined to benefit from another's a-ha! moment as I would like to, then I encourage you to yank your hand back and become a Selfish-people-pleaser. And allow your loved ones the freedom and space to do and be the same. Perhaps we can all benefit from every day doing what is going to make me happy!

Practice Less ~ Perform More

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.
~ Salvador Dali

They say that nobody is perfect.

Then they tell you that practice makes perfect.

I wish they'd make up their minds.

~ Winston Churchill

I walked into the auditorium for a sound-check to the soul-ful melody of Hallelujah, paused by the emotion hinting at wisdom and experience beyond the years of this young musician. “I have to share a stage with her tonight?” I thought nervously.

Truth was, I had not practised my own songs nearly as much as I normally like to before performing. One had only been selected and learned two days before this anniversary celebration of a community I had grown up in. And it had been months since I'd stepped on stage, guitar in hand, to perform; much longer since I'd played piano in front of an audience. As I walked on stage later that day, the last thought that ran through my head was “Well, it is what it is. They won't be perfect, but here I go anyway!” My fingers stumbled over some of the guitar chords, my voice wavered on a few notes, and I got lost once or twice at the piano keys. But I'm pretty sure no one noticed except me.

Evidenced by my sister-in-law's comments afterwards: I think that's one of the best performances of yours that I've seen. You seemed relaxed, and like you were really enjoying yourself up there!

While I'm not sure I could agree on the first part, I did realize with her comment that it probably was one of my most enjoyable performances. With my final thoughts stepping on stage I had taken away the internal pressure to be perfect and let the music and performance be what it was going to be. I let myself get lost in the experience. Something that my previous performance anxieties and slightly perfectionist tendencies have not always allowed me to do.

This 2-month old experience came flooding back to me just the other week during a conversation with a friend about wanting a particular situation to be perfect. Perfect is over-rated, I said. There is often so much more fun to be had in the messy, raw, possibly-mistake-ridden realness that comes out of being authentic, present, and true to self. Stripping away the pressure and expectation, allowing the experience to unfold as it will.

Wanting to live out those words, and knowing that singing is typically where I experience the most anxiety about performing perfectly, I took some risks at the karaoke bar shortly after. I sang songs that I usually shy away from while ignoring the voice in my head that cautioned my laryngitis-recovering vocal chords. The next week I jumped on stage at an open-mic night without having rehearsed recently at all. Neither experience went perfectly well... but no one seemed to care. And I had fun!

These experiences have left me with a desire to practice less and perform more – both literally with music, and metaphorically in other areas of my life. 

I want to find more enjoyment in getting lost in a moment that unfolds in all the messy, mistake-ridden, authentic ways that it will. Because perfect really is over-rated!

Something in me has changed

(** Summer is here! Which may mean sporadic posting on my blog... But if I miss a week here and there, rest assurred I am enjoying the sun & will be back soon with even more to say!**)

 

"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can wear..."

I could feel the stares as I walked through the parking lot beside the sports bar. The guys enjoying a beer and a cigarette on the patio. Watching, passing comments to each other, and watching again. A situation I have never found truly comfortable, but it felt even less so this time. Particularly as it was mid-afternoon; the sun shining high in the sky. 

Something in me has changed.

I felt it a few weeks ago too. On 3 separate occasions over as many weeks, in a different bar. Drinks bought, dance moves shared, an attempt at a kiss... Not interested.

But more than just not interested. Because I used to find some of this interest-expressing ritual fun and flirty and esteem-boosting. Feeling I had all the power about how far the interaction might go. Enjoying the free drink and the insinuation of being attractive, sexy, interesting... if only as far as the drinks keep flowing and the music keeps playing and the bodies keep moving and the moon keeps shining.

You see, I truly have grown into my confidence. Meaning that I didn't always know I was a beautiful woman; I didn't always know I was amazing. And so years ago when I started to notice people noticing; when I started to notice guys noticing... I liked it! I played with it. It was fun and flirty and esteem-boosting.

But something in me has changed.

A friend's voice from months ago has been echoing in my head periodically ever since:

“Are you afraid to not be seen that way?"

Back when I started to notice people -guys- noticing, I started to notice myself. My interest and confidence in my physical appearance began to grow. So what does it mean if people -guys- stop noticing?

It should mean nothing if my confidence is based on something solid, real and true. It should mean nothing if I recognize my beauty and amazing-ness as something deeper than my physical appearance. It should mean nothing...

My knee-jerk reaction to my friend's question was defensive. But my lingering gut feeling was probably more to the truth. Yes, perhaps I am. Perhaps my oft-questioning of Am I enough? stems from a confidence that has not been based on something completely solid, real and true. And should others -guys- stop noticing... it would mean something.

So something in me has changed.

I can tell because many of those interest-expressing rituals no longer feel fun and flirty and esteem-boosting. More often they have become annoying. Illiciting thoughts of “Do you not know there is more to me than what you see here?” Feeding a stronger desire to connect with people on an intellectual and emotional level, than on a physical level. Building relationships which in turn have strengthened a confidence that is based on something more solid, real and true – based on who I am as a complete person inside and out, and not on what I look like.

Am I afraid to not be seen that way?

Yes, truthfully in part I am. Our culture's focus on youth and beauty ensures this fear never fades completely.

But – I am even more afraid to not be seen in all the beautiful, amazing, multi-faceted and complex attributes that make up my entire person.

Because something in me has changed!