The Choice to Lean In

“You want an easy answer? Go Jesus, Go Allah, Go, go, go Atheist. I’m a Jew.
My obligation is to wrestle. It’s to engage. It’s not just to simply blindly believe.
I mean that’s how I see it... And maybe, you’ll never decide.”
~ Rabbi Dave, Weeds

During the course of conversation with new friends last night, the topic inadvertently at a few different points leaned towards religion/spirituality, and sex/sexuality. Near the end of the night, I made a comment that this is something that seems to happen often in my conversation circles... Wondering aloud if I thought that was more about myself or others, I answered with a laugh, “Well I'm the common denominator in those situations, so likely it's more about me!”

These are two areas of life that I have struggled with, grown from, and continue to be interested in – particularly the development of... And so I engage with them, wrestle with them, read and converse about them, share my journey's story and devour those of others' who are willing to share. But what stood out for me from that conversation last night was these new friends' acknowledgement that I choose to continue to engage and wrestle with these topics that I have struggled with; that many people would instead choose to turn away and avoid them.

I've never looked at it as a choice I made or continue to make. It's just something that I do as part of my life-long journey of self discovery and awareness; of the discovery and awareness of others.

I have a yoga teacher friend from whom – in reading her writings and attending her classes, even in our face-to-face conversations – I often hear a message about leaning into the difficult spaces: the yoga poses; the emotions; the intellectual and relational struggles that pop up like tiny pebbles and giant boulders along life's path. A message about how leaning in and facing them is the only way to truly move past them, to learn, to grow. And what relief and release is finally found when that pebble can be dumped from the shoe or the boulder pushed out of the way! When we are able to contort our bodies and souls to fit into those difficult spaces comfortably! Even if just for a short time...

So maybe it has been a choice I sub-consciously made. Or maybe it's one of those things that I feel I don't have a choice about because it's just in me to engage and wrestle. I do know I've found some of my most amazing conversations, friendships, and memories because of leaning in to those spaces; leaning into the struggles of those topics; leaning into my own spiritual and sexual development. And now that I know I have a choice about it – I'm going to keep leaning in!

“I'm a big kid now”

“I've apparently been the victim of growing up, which apparently happens to all of us at one point or another. It's been going on for quite some time now, without me knowing it. I've found that growing up can mean a lot of things. For me, it doesn't mean I should become somebody completely new and stop loving the things I used to love. It means I've just added more things to my list.”

~Taylor Swift

 

I bought a bed!

A brand new queen size mattress,

and a real bed frame with a headboard.

For some this event may not mean much – a bed is typically a standard purchase when one moves out on their own; buys a house or rents an apartment; starts their life after graduation or beyond mom & dad's place.

But after years of transient living and piecing together used and borrowed items when needed, this is the first piece of new furniture I have every truly shopped for, selected, bought and owned of my own accord (OK, so I did use some birthday money towards the bed frame... but the significance remains the same! And my piano doesn't count, because I was 17yrs old at the time and it has always been at my parents' house). I even picked up the bed frame in my own little Honda Fit and put the pieces together by myself. This bed – this event – is significant to me.

My dad's supportive comment about it: “Who's going to help you move that next time?”

Truth:

This is the first time I have felt sufficiently stable and committed in my decision to be here, to actually purchase furniture.

I feel so grown up with that decision, with that purchase. It feels a little like I've taken control of my current situation, and put some direction in place for my future. It feels a little like I've matured to a point of accepting my reality and wanting to make the most of what it is, rather than trying to find an elusive what-I-thought-it-would-be.

In conversation with a new friend the other night, we talked about the constant struggle in growing up. And in some ways I hope I never stop struggling because I think that is what will in part keep me young at heart. But I am happy to have grown up beyond my single mattress.

That first night in my grown up bed I sprawled out into a star-fish shape smack-dab in the middle of it and smiled. Then I rolled up into my new comforter made specifically for this bed by my Grandma, mom, aunt and myself, and slept... 

 

I Am [Enough]

Asteya is yoga's principle of "not stealing". It applies well beyond not swiping cash from a found wallet: Asteya addresses a deep fear you might hold that tells you that who you are is not enough. When you look at the world as something you have to take from rather than something you can give to, you're living without the benefits of asteya.

~ Asia Nelson, Do you fear more than you trust?

Life, if we are honest about it, is made up of many failings and fallings, amidst all of our hopeful growing and achieving. Those failings and fallings must be there for a purpose... Most of us find all failure bewildering, but it does not have to be.

~ Rohr, Richard (2011), Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life.

I had a realization yesterday. I have a Master's degree.

I mean I knew that already. I spent over $25,000 in 2 years on tuition, books and related expenses; I moved to a new city for practical experience; and I put in the long, difficult, frustrating, almost-quit-a-few-times hours on the final paper. I better have something to show for that! And according to the e-mail I received last week, the official paperwork is in the mail.

But sitting in my comfy chair, drinking my tea, reading various blogs I've started following and articles posted by friends on Facebook, it actually dawned on me. I have a Master's degree.

And maybe that's not as big of an accomplishment today as it would have been 10, 20, 50 years ago...

But maybe it's that last statement that has me feeling frozen with fear for actually doing something with it. So I have a Master's degree, big deal! So do a lot of people...

Is it enough?

Amongst the blog reading I was doing yesterday, one sentence literally jumped off the page at me:

“You don't have to be enough...”

“You don’t have to be enough
You don’t have to bring something for everyone...
You are exactly who [you need] to be
For the tasks that are yours...”
~ Mary Martin Wiens, Everyday Human

I feel like that question of “enough?” has plagued me off and on my whole life. Am I old enough; young enough; pretty enough; smart enough; talented enough; interesting enough; strong enough; ...am I good enough?

How relieving is it to be told you don't have to be enough. You just have to be you!

Words from a previous read blog flashed in my mind then:

“Honestly, more than making an impact or changing the world, what I most want to be is a gentle, healing presence.”

~ Steve Wiens, Your life is your curriculum

I was humbled by these words. Because yes, I want to be a gentle, healing presence, but...

Truth:

I really want to make an impact and change the world.

Yet it is this desire to truly make an impact and change the world that has me frozen in place. What if I am not good enough to make an impact? What if my efforts do little or nothing to change the world? What if I am unable to even just be a gentle, healing presence? ...What if I am not enough?

What if I am trying to take recognition and success from the world; instead of focusing on what I can give to those around me?

What if I could look at the possibility of failing and falling as purposeful learning opportunities for growth, instead of evidence that I am not enough?

I think I want to remove that word from my vocabulary – enough.

Without that word, there is no longer pressure to be enough; I just have to be.

“You are exactly who [you need] to be
For the tasks that are yours...”

For the tasks that are mine, and nothing more. And I have a Master's degree! That task is over because I worked hard and completed it. It has helped to shape me; prepare me for who I need to be for the next task that is mine. And with it I will likely struggle. I may take a little while trying to give, I may fall and even fail en route to growth and achievement. But none of that can take away that I am...

The Month of “Meh”

“Loving something isn't about coveting it:

it is about appreciating it.

The best way we can show this love is by trying to nurture growth,

not inhibit it.”

~ unknown

I've been struggling this month with thinking of things to write about. Personal growth typically goes in phases, and after the past few months I feel like I may be in a bit of a rest phase... which is welcome!

Still it's been a rough month, this month of “meh”.

I have read that there is something happening in the cosmos right now, the alignment of the planets or energy fields in the universe affecting our relationships. Regardless of whether you have an interest or belief in spiritual or astrological theories; I do agree that something has been going on this month. Because it seems there have been too many people I know who have or are continuing to experience struggles in their respective relationships for it to be merely coincidence.

Maybe it's because I have experienced my own relationship struggles. Maybe it's a hazard of my piscean nature. But I hurt every time I hear that someone I care about is hurting because of their relationships. It is part of what is driving me in my career path – not that I claim to be an expert on working to minimize the hurt. Not even a little bit. But I do want to walk along side others in finding, creating, and implementing ways of doing so. I'm sure I have as much if not more to learn from, as to contribute to these conversations.

It is true that each relationship is unique; each relationship's struggles are unique. Thus unique approaches to working through them are likely necessary. But one common contributing underlying factor I often suspect is the danger of “meh”.

In my last relationship, I remember being surprised how quickly it seemed to become “domesticated” - comfortable, almost complacent. It can be all too easy to begin to take for granted this person that you love; the relationship you have built. But the funny thing about love and relationships is that they are not stagnant things. In many ways they are living organisms in need of attention in order to survive. In order to flourish and grow. This seems to be something that most people know on some level and agree about. Yet remembering to follow through and act it out becomes the challenge.

It is inevitable that as individuals we will experience hardships and successes in our life that will lead to change and growth. What is not inevitable is that our partner and/or relationship will change and grow at the same time or in complimentary ways. Sometimes these differences may mean the demise of the relationship. Other times a deeper love and stronger relationship emerges over time from the challenges, from the growth. But this is unlikely without deliberate action and attention.

So let me offer this today to the conversation about nurturing relationships: Step up!

Let's break free from this month of “meh”, and act – before the struggles, challenges, or complacency arise; or in response to them. Do something to let your partner (or friends/family) know that you appreciate them; that you appreciate your relationship. Do it today! Do it tomorrow. Do it next week; next month. Step up and ensure that your relationship is doing more than just surviving. Help it to flourish. It is spring, after all! 

 

In Another time...

I have wondered occasionally, where my desire to help people and thus choosing a career as a counsellor came from – ancestrally speaking. It's not hard to find clues: I have aunts and other distant relatives who work in the mental health/social services fields; and the Mennonite faith and culture I was raised in is all about building community by lending a helping hand to those in need. But the other week I had the wonderful privilege of working on a 2-day project with my Grandma that gave us an opportunity to talk and connect in a way we hadn't before, and I learned a few things about her:

In another time I think my Grandma would have been a social-psychology major at university, offering insights to conversations about the ways and reasons people interact and engage in life – insights that are not so different from my own.

In another time I think my Grandma would have followed the voice she hears telling her that someone is in need of support, and chosen a career based on this calling.
In another time I think my Grandma would have surrounded herself with people from all walks of life, offering herself to them as a support, a confidant, a friend.

The thing is, she does all those things less formally now by sharing her own story of strength, perseverance, and connection; by listening, caring, and brewing a cup of tea.

In another time I think my Grandma would have followed a career path not so different from my own.

In another time I think my Grandma would have been an amazing counsellor.

In this time, she already is!

The Lonely Business of Finding Myself

“Once there was a boy and one day he found a penguin at his door...

The penguin looked sad and the boy thought it must be lost. So the boy decided to help the penguin find its way home...

The boy said goodbye... But as he looked back, the penguin looked sadder than ever. It felt strange to be on his own and the more he thought the more he realized he was making a big mistake. The penguin wasn't lost. He was just lonely...”

~ Oliver Jeffers

I wasn't even reading this children's book to my niece when it's message hit home. I had picked it up myself after she was already in bed. At first I thought it was a great message for children who move to a new city - that they can find “home” in a new place with new friends if they take the time to share stories along the journey. But the boy's sudden realization that the penguin was not lost looking for his way home, rather lost looking for a friend... struck me deep.

You see, in my mid-20s I did what many others have done in one way or another – I set out on a journey to find myself. I literally flew as far as I could go to the other side of the world, until I would have started coming back again... and stayed there for a year. In that year I laughed, I cried, I loved, I hurt, I grew... and in some ways I did indeed begin to find myself. But when I came home I still felt somewhat lost and confused... even now that feeling sometimes pokes at me.

What if this life-stage or gap year our western culture has characterized isn't really about satiating a feeling of being lost by finding oneself... What if it's about a lack of feeling like we belong somewhere; a sense of not truly connecting with the people around us; and therefore a deep loneliness that we either can't identify or don't want to because it acknowledges an inter-dependence that was once survival-based and may be innately ours as relational beings, yet goes against our current individualistic society?

What if we aren't really “lost” in the sense of needing to find ourselves – but “lost” in the sense of needing to find each other?

Part of why I ran away to the other side of the world when I did was because I didn't feel like I belonged here. I sometimes felt like the odd-one out in my family as the only girl with 3 brothers; and struggled to feel connected with extended family as my life's path has in some ways taken a slightly different direction than many of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. At the time I didn't know what I wanted to do; and many of my friends were starting careers, starting families. Many of my friends were turning out to not be -at least not in the way I was wanting or needing- for the longer term, and I didn't want to sit here and watch them drift away. So I left instead. And when new connections seemed to be wearing thin, I left again. And again. And again.

I have said before that I sometimes struggle with finding and accepting a sense of belonging - in allowing myself to be deeply and vulnerably seen. Maybe I'm alone in this. Maybe I'm thinking about it too hard; waiting for something that doesn't exist in the way I am expecting it to.

But I am not alone in fearing that our texting, tweeting and facebooking are preventing us from learning how to truly, vulnerably connect with one another. Instead they allow us to fake connectedness and temporarily gratify the loneliness. I wonder, if we made an effort to spend more time sharing stories, laughing and crying together face to face, would we learn to distinguish between the faces (in the mirror or in front of us) that are lost looking for home, and the faces that are lost looking for a friend? If there is even a difference...

Months ago I heard and fell in love with Phillip Phillips song Home. In a spiritual sense, I wondered if something greater than or deep inside myself was offering an explanation for the seemingly fluke occurrences that brought me to this place:

“Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home”

This is the place where I have begun to face my demons and emotional pain. This is the place where I have named a desire to be vulnerable and deepen connections with family and friends; where I am telling my story and wanting to listen to others' stories. This is the place where I am learning to identify and accept a sense of belonging... at least for now.

Perhaps this is the place where I have begun to develop and strengthen the connections that are helping me discover my home deep within.

 

The Test

I “broke up” with a friend the other day. It was one of those “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me” kind of things. But I also think it was maybe a test for me...

This “friendship” actually started out many months ago as something more. But as quickly as the connection was felt, it became clear that neither of us was in an emotional space to be in that kind of relationship. So he ended it. In a way that triggered many of my anxieties, insecurities, and cynicisms about love and relationships. Which was unfortunate because the time we spent together had actually begun, or so I thought, to heal those things as well. If you've been reading along, then you may realize that I used this triggering experience as an opportunity to work on healing those things for myself; an opportunity to face their roots, let go of the pain, and move forward with renewed hope. That is the blessing, the hope I take from this pain.

I have looked back to this not so distant-past, and thought to myself, “I should have known better...” I heard parts of his story... I know mine. I know things - theoretical and actual things, because of my education and own life-story - about the human emotional experience. And so I think to myself, “I should have known better...”

But he was cute. And he made me smile. He challenged me in conversation in ways that I thrive off of. He liked me. He brought me good wine! And - my emotional-saviour complex kicked in - he was going through a hard time which I wanted to help ease. As a friend, if I couldn't be more.

I reconnected with him to “debrief” as sometimes happens after a time when a relationship has ended, and we both expressed interest in remaining friends... whatever that might look like. Perhaps it was simply too soon for us to try to be friends. Perhaps the reason we'd met had passed, and our trying to hold on only made things worse. For both of us. I am sad to see this friendship end, for sure. And I do hope he is able to find his own peace and healing. But I will not be someone's emotional verbal punching bag. That is not healthy nor loving for either of us. And my ability to so clearly see that; to so clearly stand up for myself; to so clearly let go of a troubled friendship by my own deciding power is new. That is where I feel this was a test – to see if I truly have been able to let go of some of those insecurities and anxieties; to reduce the pull of my emotional-saviour complex; to accept that my situation is not what I wanted it to be and move towards change; to believe that I, and my reasons, are enough; to embrace the hope for different in the future.

Maybe it is true that “I should have known better...” Maybe I did, but decided to proceed anyway. It doesn't really matter in hindsight. All I can do now is go forward with experiential evidence and the confidence to know better next time.

Be Beautiful – Be Happy

 

After re-sharing that travel journal, I was going to move on from the beauty discussion. But I read a response to the Dove video that inspired more comments. [read response here: Why Dove’s “Real Beauty Sketches” Video Makes Me Uncomfortable…and Kind of Makes Me Angry]. This author conveyed some interesting and valid points about the lack of diversity represented and some of the underlying messages that have the potential to feed into society's view of beauty and worth. But I didn't hear what this author heard in one of the final quotes – the one I highlighted in my first post about this video:

“I should be more grateful of my natural beauty. It impacts the choices and the friends we make, the jobs we go out for, the way we treat our children, it impacts everything. It couldn’t be more critical to your happiness.”

This author commented:

Did you hear that, ladies? How beautiful you are affects everything—from your personal relationships to your career. It could not be more critical to your happiness! And while it could be argued that the woman was actually talking about how you feel about yourself or something, it is clearly edited to suggest that the “it” is beauty.

I believe that what we get out of something we read or see often says more about where we are at individually than about the original intended message. That becomes truth for us, different from others. And that is one of the wonderful things about this world – that we each have a unique viewpoint to contribute to the conversation!

So the message I heard from that quote and the entire video was a reminder: like it or not, the reality is that our perceptions of our own beauty – and perhaps more so, our beliefs about how beautiful others perceive us to be – often do impact the choices and the friends we make, the jobs we go out for, the way we treat our children... your happiness. ...it impacts everything. And what an important, uplifting, empowering realization that others often perceive our beauty differently than we do ourselves – perhaps because they are also experiencing: true beauty [that] shines through the eyes, is heard in the laughter, and felt from the smile of a friendly personality ...experienced in the over-all content, fun-loving, intelligent, peaceful energy flowing through her.

[see “...Be a Beautiful Woman” for more of my comments on true beauty]

In that way, beauty becomes way more than just something that you are. It becomes something that you do. Be [beautiful] is a verb. It takes action. Yes, there is natural (physical) beauty which the woman in the video talks about being more grateful for; but to express that gratitude requires action – whether it is through personal hygiene/style/accessories highlighting the physical; or through the confidence and personality she exudes. Haven't many people – particularly in the dating game – talked about the change in physical attractiveness, for better or for worse, as ones personality begins to shine through?!

The author concludes with a challenge to critical thinking:

What you look like should not affect the choices that you make. It should certainly not affect the friends you make—the friends that wouldn’t want to be in relationship with you if you did not meet a certain physical standard are not the friends that you want to have. Go out for jobs that you want, that you’re passionate about. Don’t let how good looking you feel like you are affect the way that you treat your children. And certainly do not make how well you feel you align with the strict and narrow “standard” that the beauty industry and media push be critical to your happiness, because you will always be miserable. You will always feel like you fall short, because those standards are designed to keep you constantly pressured into buying things like make up and diet food and moisturizer to reach an unattainable goal. Don’t let your happiness be dependent on something so fickle and cruel and trivial.

To some extent I agree with these points. Relying only on the strict and narrow “standard” that the beauty industry and media have defined , we will always be striving for an unattainable goal. But let's rephrase some of them a little:

What you look like should not affect the choices you make...the friends you make – because you feel and do beautiful and confident enough to make choices and friends that enhance your life, true beauty, and happiness;

Go out for the jobs that you want, that you're passionate about – because you feel and do beautiful and confident enough to do so;

...let how good looking you feel like you are affect the way that you treat your children – because you feel and do beautiful and confident enough to want to impart the same beauty and confidence in them;

And certainly do not make how well you feel you align with the strict and narrow “standard” that the beauty industry and media push be critical to your happiness – but be beautiful and confident enough to re-define your perceptions of your own beauty because that will likely impact your happiness.

Rather than trying to turn away from the impact beauty has on our happiness – because I don't really think it's something we can actually get away from in today's culture – let's embrace it, expand on it, grow with it, and become even more beautiful in the true sense of beauty. Because, to edit the final comments of this author's response: 

you are so, so much more than [physically] beautiful.

So Be Beautiful – it might just increase your happiness!

“... Be a Beautiful Woman.”

***This post is from a travel journal I wrote in March 2008 and shared on Facebook. I'm sharing it again here in response to the Dove Real Beauty Sketches ad, and the statistic they quoted.***

"...only 4% of women around the world consider themselves beautiful"

“Is it difficult to be a beautiful woman?” this deliciously dark-skinned Sicilian asked me with a smile at the farewell party he & his friends were hosting for us. I remember responding with a smile in my somewhat alcohol-induced state, “In this country? Sometimes.”

In the memory of that moment, I am at first amused at my own lack of humility...

And yet, why? Why must I be embarrassed by my (honest) first reaction? Why must we hide behind Canadian niceties and humility? For Italians – French & Spaniards as well – to confidently acknowledge one's own beauty is not seen as arrogant. It is simply being confident and... well, beautiful! It is a sign of self-respect and self-esteem. It acknowledges the true and unique beauty of all women (or all people – they have some very beautiful men in those countries as well!), no matter their shape, size, colour or accessories. Why can't we profess our own beauty here, in North America, without the worry of being seen as arrogant, snobby or just plain rude by our fellow citizens?

Well, let me try:

I am confident enough in myself, and have enough self-respect to admit that most days I am able to look in the mirror and see a pretty, young woman reflected there. And I do believe the few guys who have genuinely looked me in the eye and told me I was beautiful. I believe they found beauty in what they saw.

More than that, I believe that the true beauty of a woman is not in her physical appearance alone. But in the way she carries herself. In the self-confidence she eludes, the self-respect she maintains, the contentedness that surrounds her being. It can be and is often communicated in the awareness of proper hygiene, clothing styles to suit the body-type, hair-styles and make-up application that enhance the features. And yes, there are some women who have been blessed with a natural beauty that not everyone can claim. I have been able to embrace my own over the past few years as my self-confidence has grown, and I have learned to carry myself in that way.

But true beauty shines through the eyes, is heard in the laughter, and felt from the smile of a friendly personality. It is experienced in the over-all content, fun-loving, intelligent, peaceful energy flowing through her.

I have not always had this confidence in myself. I have not always possessed these qualities. And I still have days where it's a tough, uphill struggle. But I think, and hope, these are qualities that people are now experiencing when they comment on my beauty (whether they could name it as such or not). It is a beauty I try to exude, and am continually aspiring to...

I'm sure this Sicilian guy was trying to give me a compliment with his question. I'm sure he didn't intend for it to spiral me into thought. All I can say is that I enjoy dressing up, putting on make-up and doing my hair. I even enjoy the attention, the double-takes and smiles – sometimes even the off-hand whistles and tasteful comments – from guys (or girls). I enjoy the occasional perks that come with an attractive smile and personality; a little extra ice-cream in my cone, a free drink, etc. I enjoy it as recognition of my natural beauty and the time & effort I spent enhancing it; and perhaps even more so for the peaceful, friendly energy I hope I exude most of the time.

Truth: “You are more beautiful than you think”

“It's troubling. I should be more grateful of my natural beauty. It impacts the choices and friends that we make, the jobs we apply for, how we treat our children. It impacts everything. It couldn't be more critical to your happiness.”

~ Florence

Dove Real BeautySketches Ad, April 2013

The post I started writing for this week wasn't feeling right. It's a topic I do want to share but it's just not quite ready, which was causing me some anxiety about not having anything to post today! Then the Dove Real Beauty Sketches ad was splashed all over Facebook yesterday.

The last comment from the ad:

“Our self perceptions are generally kind of harsh and unbecoming when really, that's not how the world sees us. We spend a lot of time as women analyzing and trying to fix the things that aren't quite right. And we should spend more time appreciating the things that we do like.”

reminded me of one of the last points I made in my previous post:

“I wonder... if we could focus on looking for more of what we liked about past relationships – and less on running from what we don't like – would it change the way we engage in future relationships?”

(from TheA**hole and The Prince)

There are perhaps so many different ways we could alter that comment and apply it to a million different things in life, like:

I wonder... if we could focus more on appreciating the things that we do like -and less on trying to fix the things that aren't quite right- would it change the way we engage in daily life?

Would we be happier?

Further, I was flabbergasted by the statistic quoted above the video on the dove.com page:

“...only 4% of women around the world consider themselves beautiful.” 

Which means, statistically, not even 1 of these 12 women considers herself beautiful.

I wrote and shared a travel journal 5 years ago that was inspired by a question from a Sicilian about being a Beautiful Woman. I wanted to share it again in response to this ad and that 4% statistic. However my first thought while re-reading it was “gosh that sounds a little arrogant I can't believe I posted it 5 years ago! How young and naive I was, which I can of course now see through wiser eyes framed by laugh lines and other early signs of ageing...”

I had second thoughts about posting it here... But this blog is about being vulnerable! About being truly seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen. Not only by allowing others to see me(us) that way; but also to see myself(ourselves) that way. One way to do that is to confidently embrace my(our) own beauty, and to celebrate the beauty of others. And much of what I said 5 years ago continues to ring true, even if my confidence in it ebbs and flows at times.

So stay tuned, this week's 2^nd instalment will be a re-sharing at that travel journal. Until then – tell me, what is it you appreciate about your own beauty?

The A**hole and The Prince

“Because the rational mind cannot process love or suffering, for example, it tends to either avoid them, deny them, or blame somebody for them, when in fact they are the greatest spiritual teachers of all, if we but allow them.”

~ Richard Rohr,

Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life

How do I move on with the hope of ever having a lasting relationship with someone else who does those things for me, when everyone around me says “But he's an a**hole”?

(from I was Lucky to be Loved by You...)

I had an epiphany while writing those words for the previous post. Not about blaming others for my inability to let go or move on. But about the words we say to people or in situations where letting go and moving on may be necessary.

In the first few weeks and months after that particular relationship ended, my knee-jerk reaction was to defend this man I had loved. Surely he must have had a reason; something must have happened. Because the man I fell in love with was not an a**hole! But the longer term impact of others' insistence that this guy was bad news and I had “dodged a bullet” became clear as I wrote the words above. This man had been good to me and good for me for a time. If he turned out to be an a**hole, as I keep being reminded, then how do I trust anyone who is good to me and good for me to not become an a**hole after a time?

Truth:

When we focus on the a**hole at the end of the story, we forget the prince from earlier on. We forget the human from throughout – the one who made us smile as much as, if not more than they made us cry. We forget the lessons we learned and the growth we experienced. All the things that have -hopefully- made us stronger, wiser, even better people.

 I know that not every a**hole was a prince at one time. And maybe not every prince will be an a**hole at some point. But both are human.

I wonder... if we could focus on looking for more of what we liked about past relationships – and less on running from what we don't like – would it change the way we engage in future relationships?

What did you like about your last relationship that ended?

What do you like – and want more of – about your current relationship?

 

I was Lucky to be Loved by You – Retelling the Story

 

It's been 7 years since we met. I don't actually remember the exact date, but it was sometime in April 2006. I looked into your striking blue eyes and knew immediately that you would have a significant impact on my life. I remember that we laughed a lot, even from that very first day. I wanted to laugh with you forever.

Truth:

I had a difficult time fully letting go and moving on from our relationship.

Because, even though it ended rather brutally, damaging my hope, my trust, my belief in love... still we had some amazing times together! I experienced things I will never forget. I learned lessons about myself, about life, about love and relationships that I continue to value. I want to be able to honour those things, while letting go of the pain.

But how?

How do I remember and honour the good when everyone around me says “But he's an a**hole”? How do I smile at the memory of a can of baked beans when everyone around me says “But he's an a**hole”? How do I hold on to the times you made me feel special and loved; the encouragement and space you allowed me to explore and be who I was, when everyone around me says “But he's an a**hole”?

How do I move on with the hope of ever having a lasting relationship with someone else who does those things for me, when everyone around me says “But he's an a**hole”? Even now, 6 years after you disappeared.

I no longer want to be a victim, nor even a survivor of your disappearance. I've allowed myself to be that for far to long now.

Instead, I want to be blessed by your presence in my life.

I want to let go of the pain and fear – and remember all that I experienced and learned and grew from.

I want to let go of you... and hold onto the knowledge that I was lucky, for a time, to love you and to be loved by you.

Someone asked me recently if there was anything else I wanted to communicate to you. I thought for a moment about all I've just written – which is really more for me than for you – and I realized the only thing left to say was:

    Good bye!

“...a place for me in your heart”

[I've been aiming for one post a week with this blog – to keep it “pressure-free” and prolong my fear of running out of things to write! But since an underlying theme has been (and will continue to be for the next few posts I'm working on) facing myself and letting go, I really wanted to share this today...]

Two years ago my brother and (now) sister-in-law asked me to sing at their wedding: Tracey Chapman's The Promise. Beautiful song!

I printed off the chord chart and found the video on YouTube to practice. And then, music being the ever-emotion-evoking force it is, I bawled my way through that first practice. I never told my brother & sister-in-law (this will be the test if they're reading, lol!), or anyone actually. But this was a song – about waiting, remembering, and finding your way back together – that I had played on repeat at one time in my life while waiting, remembering, and hoping to find our way back together. Since I had already gently discouraged one song choice, I couldn't go back to them again and ask for yet another. It was time for me to create new memories and associations for this beautiful song anyway. Difficult as it may have been, this was one more step towards closure, letting go, and moving on.

I put the chord chart away after the wedding, hid it in the back of my binder. It fell out the other day. My fingers stumbled over chord progressions half-forgotten at first, but it came back quickly by the 3^rd play through. My voice becoming more confident with each note. I smiled.

Truth:

Letting go can be so freeing! And no one can explain that to you until you experience it for yourself.

I found I was no longer singing this song for someone in my past. I was singing it for someone I may have yet to meet. Someone I am waiting for, remembering from some long-ago dream, hoping to find my way to...

More exciting for me with this is that I'm singing again! I don't know when exactly I stopped because I didn't notice until I started again. But I have begun to enjoy listening to, playing and singing along to almost anything, even the songs that have had somewhat painful associations, simply because they're great music and I like singing them. They will probably always evoke certain memories or associations, even certain feelings. And I may crash down from this possibly false-euphoric high I seem to be on right now (there's still some of the bitter-cynic holding on ;). But I'm going to enjoy this freedom from letting go! I'm going to sing!

Letting Go of the Right Thing

“It must have been recognized that to go forward there is always something that has to be let go of, moved beyond, given up, or 'forgiven' to enter the larger picture”

~ Richard Rohr,

Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life

Weeks after my first relationship ended I still had memories of him around my apartment – pictures, stuffed animals, frivolous trinkets that only held meaning because they were from him. “They're part of my decor,” I protested to my friend who questioned the lingering presence. “If I put them away there will be a hole in my apartment!” My friend pointed to his heart and said “Or a big ol' hole in here.”

Letting go can leave one feeling empty inside as it is often meant to create space for something new or different. What if there isn't something new to fill that emotional space right away? I suppose then it may be true that “time heals”; and like a packed wound, it may be from the inside out, slow, steady, sometimes painful or with an irritating itch!

However a perhaps more important question has come to my mind on this topic in the past few weeks: How can we be sure we are letting go of the right thing?

Truth:

I let go of the hope instead of the hurt.

While listening to music the other day, Anna Nalick's song Wreck of the Day came on. She got to the line “If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up - On love” and I broke down. I realized that I have been holding onto the pain of past break-ups, and letting go instead of the hope of future love. Further, I packed and healed that previously hope-filled emotional space with protective bitter cynicism masked as independent realism.

I wrote a piece a few years ago when I first started to realize that I was losing hope:

“...hope of finding someone who'd stay when things got tough; hope of falling in love again; hope of being swept off my feet; hope of not spending the rest of my life without a relationship, without someone to share it with. I gave up hope, and convinced myself that I no longer really wanted that. Or at least, that I would be happy without it.
And yeah, I'm sure I would be happy without it.
But I'm not so sure that I want to be without it...”

I ended that piece by saying: “I gave up hope. But... maybe hope didn't give up on me.”

And I believe that now! I have been working on letting go of the right thing - the pain and bitter cynicism - and am finding that hope is among the things slowly healing and re-filling the opening space. A more mature, realistic hope that continues to embrace the possibility of being happy “without” - but hope none-the-less!

I'm so glad in this moment that letting go is a continual process of life's journey. So that I can begin to let go of the right thing, and find my way back to things I'd rather have held on to.