Nuggets of Hope

When your eyes are tired the world is tired also.
When your vision has gone no part of the world can find you.
Time to go into the dark where the night has eyes to recognize its own.

There you can be sure you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb tonight.
The night will give you a horizon further than you can see.
You must learn one thing: the world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you. 

~David Whyte

(bold emphasis is my edit!)

 

A few weeks ago I wrote about denouncing the month of “meh”; about viewing my situation at the time as an opportunity to re-connect rather than retreat; with the hope that by the end of the month I could say “I loved this month”...

Well you know what they sometimes say: things may get worse before they start to get better.

Last week I hit a low point. Understandably discouraged, overwhelmed, lonely, frustrated. And losing hope. That last piece came as a surprise to me because in all of my past low moments – of being discouraged with my own situation, with my failures or lack of progress, with my relationships or lack thereof, with the state of the world we live in – there was always a small, nagging morsel of hope longing to be heard. Offering reassurance and encouragement to keep pushing forward. That, as the saying goes, this too shall pass. Sometimes it was harder to hear or took longer to break through the empty silence, but it was always there.

When I realized I could not hear even it's faintest whisper, I also realized I do not know how to do this without hope. I do not know how to pull myself out of this without hope.

I thought to myself even if that hope goes forever unrealized; even if it is empty, blind, or naive, I need to find it again and hold onto it in order to keep pushing forward.

It's funny sometimes how the Universe will bring to you the things you need when you need them, if you only open your eyes to see. Nuggets of hope began to come my way -

In the unlikely friend who called three days in a row to check on me and drag me outside for a walk by the water.

In the friend's voice reminding me: “You won't always feel this way.”

In the friend's trusting questioning: “I wonder who he will be...?”

In the friend's at first seemingly out of place response yet acknowledging the opportunity that grows from these spaces: “I am excited for you!”

In the innocent acceptance and play of nieces and nephews.

In the genuine laughter that flowed from re-connecting with a friend from a distance.

In the fulfilling of a long-ago commitment to share music with a community from my childhood.

In the invite for a much-needed night out with different friends.

Even in random quotes appearing on Facebook.

Hope had not been lost – it was just being safely held in different places, and handed back to me in pieces when I needed it and more importantly was ready for it again. Whether they did so consciously or not, I am grateful for the people in my life that are able and willing to do that for me and with me.

So it's been a long month. A tough month for more than just myself, as stories are passed back and forth among friends, family, and co-workers. But the nugget of hope I can offer is that today is the last day of this month. Tomorrow, a new one begins again!

Re-writing The End

“Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened”

~ Dr Seuss

 

Endings are rarely easy. Especially when they are seemingly abrupt and unexpected. Especially when it's something you didn't really want to end.

I had this thought: I didn't even get a chance to find out what I didn't like. The time was too short, reality held at a distance behind the best masks on display. In some ways that is maybe the hardest part – that I didn't have a chance to find out what I didn't like.

I had been there before. And really, that is why this impending end hit the way it did. Because I had been there before. Left standing by myself in empty, silence. Wondering what happened? Wondering when it changed? Wondering where I am? Wondering who you are? Wondering why...? It had become one of my stories - like we all have stories. Stories of how the experiences of our lives play out. Patterns that seem to repeat over and over again...

...until something changes.

Perhaps it is the smallest detail. Perhaps it is the loudest scream.

It was a story I did not want to re-tell. Or a story I wanted to tell with a different end. And so I did. I re-wrote The End. I took control of my own experience. I asked for answers that I did not want to hear. I spoke words that used to catch in my throat. I let loose the loudest scream in order to change the smallest details. I sought closure because it's absence drove me to places I no longer want to visit. I empowered myself by re-writing The End of one of my stories.

Still... empowerment ebbs and flows in the empty silence that inevitably follows even when answers are given and words have been spoken. Closure helps, but disappointment and rejection leave their mark no matter how long or short. No matter how it ends. No matter who is the first – or last – to call it out loud. Because endings are rarely easy, even when they are slow and expected. Even when you have decided that it is the best thing to do in the moment.

The very fact that this ending held opportunity for a re-write is what I found I didn't like. There is no right way to do this: the advice rings in my ears. Perhaps there was another way. But I have been in the end of that story before and it was not enjoyable. This time wasn't so much either. But at least I have editorial credits in re-writing The End; in creating the possibility for a new story to begin.

A link to more...

I think that every now and then stopping to catch your breath means not making things harder then they need to be...

I really enjoy writing for this blog. But sometimes I have a week – or a run of weeks - where inspiration runs short, and/or time runs short, and/or the physical and emotional energy required runs short. This has been one of those weeks when all of the above apply. So instead of being hard on myself I'm giving myself permission to stop to catch my breath.

And to share with you the following:

Over the past few months, as some of you may already know, I have also been contributing periodically to a blog about on-line dating – WinkWisely. It's been a blast to remember & re-hash some of my on-line dating experiences!

So for this week's blog I am simply directing you to MY SPACE on that site. The most recent contribution actually just went up this week!

And hey, while you're there feel free to check out some of the other great writers that have contributed to the site.

Denouncing the Month of “Meh”

“Loving something isn't about coveting it:

it is about appreciating it.

The best way we can show this love is by trying to nurture growth,

not inhibit it.”

~ unknown

But something amazing happens when you free your mind from the idea that one person [or thing] can define your happiness.

Psychologically, something changes in you when you release the need to make everything right.

You become your playful, relaxed self again.

~ James Bauer [bracketed italics mine]

Over drinks with friends the other night, I finally blurted out “I hate this month!” Listening to my own words and the stories of my friends I couldn't help but comment, “I wrote about this last year, The Month of “Meh”, and it's happening again.”

Last year I wrote about it at the end of the month, as a reflection of the weeks past. This year, only 10 days in, I want to denounce the month of “meh”.

We've had a long, harsh, cold winter. You can see that reflected in many things. But now, the sun is shining! The flowers are blooming! Temperatures have risen, and layers of clothing have come off! If there was any time of the year when it should be easier to be happy and connected, it is now!

I have found myself before in similar places to where I am now – feeling somewhat lost; or frustrated with little or no progress on goals and projects; or discouraged by one or more of the relationships in my life... And typically I end up retreating into myself. I avoid social outings and distract myself with a glass [coughbottlecough] of wine, ice cream and a good movie. Or a bad one, depending on my mood.

But this time, something feels different. Maybe it's that a few weeks ago I had the opportunity to sit down and really figure out what I wanted for my life right now. Maybe it's that I've done some growing and changing and learning in important ways over the past year or so and I understand better what I'm experiencing and how to move through it. Maybe it's all those things and more, maybe it's something completely different. All I know is that instead of seeing this situation as a reason to retreat and feel sorry for myself...

I want to view it as an opportunity to re-connect!

To appreciate myself, nurturing and allowing love to grow. To appreciate the relationships that mean the most to me, nurturing and allowing love to grow where it may.

To engage in the activities and relationships that – together – make me happy. To release the need to make things “right” (whatever that looks like anyway...) And to find my playful relaxed self again!

I'm denouncing the month of “meh”, and choosing to step up so that by the end of the month I can (hopefully) say “I loved this month!”

Family History

I sat in the walk-in clinic waiting room earlier this week, filling out the new-patient information form. In the section labelled Family History I stared at the word Cancer.

Last week I had a realization, that in the last few months I've had some important life events begin to transpire. Mixed emotions accompany them. Patience is required. Juggling these situations along with all the other every day situations and all the situations my friends share with me from their lives... can be overwhelming at times.

And then there are the friends who sometimes look you in the eye and tell you a truth that you have perhaps thought about, but are no more eager to hear from someone else's lips than to utter it out loud yourself. A truth about acceptance.

“I don't think you have fully accepted what is happening with your Mom...”

I reflected on her words and my thoughts later that evening, and I settled on a question: “How?”

How do you fully accept that someone you love has cancer? How do you fully accept that someone who has been a rock in your life is now struggling with a weakness? How do you fully accept that a parent – that your mom – is going through chemo treatments?

It is not something you do all at once. It is too big to be accepted all at once. It is something that has an initial crisis – at diagnosis; something that slides into a new normal – during treatment; something that requires patience – waiting for results. It is too big to be accepted all at once.

And so I have my moments – moments of forgetting; moments of living in the new normal; moments of remembering and moving towards deeper acceptance. Moments like putting an X beside the word Cancer in the section labelled Family History on the new patient information form at the walk-in clinic.

I left the Emergency Contact spot blank. I was after all only there for a simple ear infection. What possible emergency could come of that? Besides, I'd already processed and accepted one new piece that day. And sometimes, one piece at a time is all you can do.

That Moment of Humanness

"Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith. 

The trust part comes later."

~ Man of Steel, 2013

 

I have never really been much of a dater. Rather it seemed like I found myself in relationships that grew out of friendships or intense connections on meeting. No real intentional pursuing occurred, we were just... together. And that was the context for getting to know one another.

So after ending my last more serious relationship I decided I wanted to date – to be taken out; to be wined and dined; to slow the process of getting to know someone before adding the label of relationship to it. Well let me say it has been an interesting 2 years of occasional dating. Of learning and growing. Of loneliness and adventure. Of intrigue and disappointment.

I found my inner cynic and bruised heart often led the way, holding the walls pretty tight and high in most cases. Not letting anyone in too deep, not letting myself out too far. My standards and expectations impossibly set. Looking for that one person who will be able to see through brick and mortar; who will bring out the sledge hammer; who will patiently yet insistently challenge me to open up a window – convincing me that love is possible; that love is worthwhile; that love is beautiful...

Impossibly high standards and expectations.

It's a funny thing that happens when the lonely, bruised heart encounters someone of intrigue. Someone who maybe uses a pick axe rather than a sledge hammer to coax a crack in the walls to peer through. Someone who seems at first glance and from a distance to offer a view of love that is beautiful. But in those moments of initial excitement I think it is sometimes too easy to forget that this one too is only human. That at some point this one too is bound to do something that disappoints; that hurts; that causes pause, doubt, question, and left-over mortar to repair the cracks.

Sometimes I found myself waiting with mortar already in hand, for that moment of humanness to appear. To be able to point the finger and say, “See? I told you this would happen again.”

...But in those moments of initial excitement I think it is too easy to forget that I too am only human. That at some point I too am bound to do something that disappoints; that hurts; that causes pause, doubt, question, and maybe even left-over mortar to repair the cracks. For I am not the only one who builds protective walls...

I remember standing in a public place one day not so long ago listening to a friend talk about waiting for that moment of humanness to appear. And I asked her, can you accept the fact that one day it will? Can you accept the fact that one day he will disappoint; hurt; cause pause, doubt and question? Can you accept that this is very likely inevitable at some point in the relationship, no matter how long or short? But that does not mean he does not care. That does not mean the relationship is over.

A by-stander over heard this moment of insight that I do not know the origins of, and softly murmured “Wow, that's deep. This girl's good!” My friend smiled and said, “Yeah, she is!”

Here is yet another moment where I need to start taking my own advice. To lower my expectations to the level of my own humanness, allowing for this in others. Allowing for the beauty that is human fallibility – the grace, acceptance, forgiveness, and love that can be found in the disappointment; the hurt; the pause, doubt, and question. The learning, growth, and deeper connection that can be found – whether with the self and/or with each other; whether the relationship survives or not.

If I can accept that disappointment, hurt, pause, doubt and question are a part of relationships – are a part of life – though hopefully not in the same measure as joy, success, intrigue, connection, confidence, and love... If I can accept that none of those things are a guarantee for the failure nor success of a relationship – of life – then in some ways they all become less scary of a risk to take and more of the growth and excitement and beauty that is the journey of love, of relationships – of life.

Encourage

“Instruction does much, but encouragement everything."

~ Johann Wolfgang von Geothe

I gotta be honest, I have felt a little down and discouraged this week... following a pretty great weekend, the comparison only felt more drastic.

Frustrated with particular aspects of my current situation, I reached out to a friend for some words of encouragement. I know she meant well; I know she was trying to be supportive; I know if I go back and read her words again in a day or two I will likely receive them differently. But in that moment... it wasn't really what I was looking for.

Another friend asked me the other day, if I thought people truly want to hear the truth; or if they just want to hear what they want to hear.

He's probably right. In that moment, I wanted to hear what I wanted to hear. And that was this: Keep going! You can do it! I know it's tough, but push through! It will all be worth it someday! This is temporary pain for longer-term gain! I believe in you!

Because even though most of the time I can give myself those messages, sometimes it helps to hear them from someone else.

Sometimes I think we don't hear enough of those messages in our day to day life. Or at least I don't think we hear enough of the true encouragement and affirmations for our strengths and successes (because I would argue it's true that there are people who have received the “you are special” message to an extreme, and as a result perhaps have a slightly distorted view of their own abilities and capabilities...) An instructor for a course I took a year ago called it SAD: Severe Affirmation Deficit (not to be confused with Seasonal Affective Disorder...) He challenged us to find opportunities in our daily lives to offer affirmations to the people we encounter – whether it is a family member at home, a friend at work, the barista who makes your morning coffee, or a stranger walking down the street.

I wondered why it sometimes sounded and felt easier to offer a random affirmation to the barista or stranger then to my own family members and friends...

I have thought about this SAD off and on since that course. I have tried to not only offer encouragement and affirmations, but to create space for people to come up with their own; for themselves. And so in my frustration, disappointment and discouragement yesterday I tried – emphasis on the tried, because I can't say it was completely successful but at least I keep trying – to come up with my own affirmations and encouragement. I asked myself, What went well today? What is better today then yesterday? I figured if I can come up with even just one thing, well... that's better than nothing!

Even though yesterday's frustrations are still present, today is a little better already. Because last night I took some time to cuddle with my cat. Because today I took some time write again. And if one things is better than nothing, well than two is better than one!

The Significance of Chairs

The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. 
The superior teacher demonstrates. 
The great teacher inspires.
~ William Arthur Ward 

 

The fun thing about getting older is finding younger people to mentor

~ Mike May

 

Every once and awhile I like to visit a place or people that were important, meaningful or significant to me at one time in my life. It acts as a reflection of who I used to be, allows me to reconnect with some core part of myself, and reminds me how far I've really come. Last week I had the chance to do that – visiting a space that was formative during my later teenage years.

I was greeted through the door with smiles and hugs, and immediately invited to have a seat for a quick catch-up chat. It felt weirdly familiar to be sitting in that chair again... a chair I remember spending hours in over the span of 3 years. Lamenting, as teenagers do, over the trials and tribulations of life as I knew it. So grateful even then to have the informal listening ears and words of wisdom sitting across the way.

 

One of these mentors commented about how the chair kept re-filling over the 15 years since I regularly warmed the seat. Different people, but the same issues. I am not surprised, rather thrilled to know that I was a part of it in the beginning; and that so many have benefited in similar ways since!

I further reflected how both chairs have revolved in some ways, with new mentors and significant people filling the opposite chair in different spaces and places as I've moved forward. Different people, but perhaps the same offering of help to fulfil a desire for a place to belong. The same issues at their core.

This short visit was refreshing and fulfilling in all the ways I had wanted it to be. But as I am now beginning a career where chairs are an important piece of the decor, it got me thinking about the significance of them. What they represent, who sits in them, and the roles we play depending on which chair we are in. For as much as I have found important mentors to sit across from, I also know I have switched chairs and played the mentor role at times. I know in some ways, I am likely to do so again.

I remember the night I found the chairs that now fill my office – the first real physical manifestation of my practice and thus their first significance. My friend and I each sat in one, laughing as we both commented that they were firm but comfortable; offering support yet enough space to curl up in. The perfect combination for a counselling office! I often wonder who will fill those chairs? Will the root issues be the same through different people? Will my role be the same each time, or will it adapt with the changing faces and stories? Will I feel comfortable and fill the chair sufficiently enough?

I hope I never stop finding chairs to sit in – opposite interesting and meaningful mentors or those in need of one. I hope that, while finding my place in these new chairs, I will remember all the people who have sat across from me in the past. And I hope the wisdom, support and inspiration I have found in and through them will continue to follow me; offering reflections of who I used to be, reconnections with some core part of myself, and reminders of how far I've really come!

A phone is just a phone is (not) just a phone....

I love when we are talking on the phone 

and being able to tell when you're smiling, 

it makes me smile. 

And when I know you are smiling because of me, 

it makes my whole world brighter.

~ Brianna Marie Guzik

I got a phone call from a good friend late last night. We chatted and laughed about work, boys, dreams, and life. Before I even realized it 2 hours had flown by!

When I had first answered the phone just after 11:30pm, she asked, “Are you mad?” I thought this a most absurd question – who would be mad at the phone call of a good friend? No matter the time.

Remember “way back when”, when cell phones were only really starting to be carried by everyone and texting wasn't even a thing? I miss those long conversations, chatting about the day; making plans for the weekend. I miss connecting with friends who lived at a distance, sharing the important stories and hoping to be able to visit each other soon. I miss the excited nerves of dialling a number and having that last phone call of the day with someone special...

I mean texting is nice too. It's typically quick and easy. It feels good to know someone is thinking about you during the day. But there is something about hearing a person's voice that makes you feel more connected. Not quite the same as seeing their face; but in the absence of that opportunity a closer second than a text. Especially for the important or intense conversations. For phone calls that mark new beginnings, and phone calls that end something; phone calls that bring good news or bad, laughter or tears, joy or challenge; and phone calls where few words are spoken but there is comfort in knowing the person on the other end is there none the less.

I had to laugh a few months ago when I was in the market for a new phone, at comments made about some of the “phones” out there and all the fancy non-phone-type things they can do. How this is the best product because it can do X; or this one because it can do Y. I remember wondering, which one is best if I just want to use it as a phone?

So I'm saying this here, that I want to start using my phone more – as an actual phone!

Oh, I will still use it to check Facebook and e-mail; to organize my daily life's schedule; to look something up on the internet when my computer is not available; to play games, listen to music, take pictures, and watch videos. I will continue to send out texts because sometimes they are quick and easy. And because I like letting people know that I'm thinking about them at random times during the day. But don't be surprised, good friends of mine from near & far, if one of those texts you receive is asking if you have time for a phone date. And feel free to ask me for one too.

Because basically, I miss hearing your voice!

Time and Space to just BE

I really enjoy driving, always have. There is something about being in a vehicle, on the road, with nothing else to do between point A and point B except drive and just be. I flip through the radio or listen to a random CD. I'll look out the window at the scenery passing by. I will contemplate the freedom in possibility to keep driving; to go anywhere and everywhere my heart desires. But mostly I just let my mind wander.

I'm driving car #3 now – not counting the blue mini-van I sort of inherited from my parents in 3^rd year university. And while I do love my Fit, I miss the sun roof from my Sunfire! I miss opening it all the way to let the sunshine and some fresh air in. I miss leaning my head back and seeing the stars through it at night. I miss the feeling of freedom and brief connection to the outside world when the rest of the car was shut tight around me.

 
My mind wandered to that sunroof on Sunday night during my drive home. I looked out my side windows and windshield at Orion's Belt and other constellations I do not know names for, and marvelled as I have many times before at the beauty and expanse of the night sky. I kept thinking that I should pull over on a dark road and just take in the breathlessness of it.

But then I would be alone on a dark road in the middle of the night, and that just didn't feel very safe.

Instead I let my mind wander back to many of my long drives. I realized that the ending of each of my significant relationships was marked not only by a change in hair style, but also with a situation that required more frequent and longer drives. I spent a lot of time thinking on those drives. Processing. Healing. Practising conversations I could have, should have, maybe even would have had if opportunity arose. And I shed a lot of tears.

I thought about previous writings where I developed metaphors of driving along life's road: through rain with wipers that only partially and temporarily clear the view; over slippery, snow-covered roads that hide dangerous patches; headlight's that reveal only a short distance ahead; unexpected twists and turns; hills so steep you cannot see beyond them until at the very top; and other cars sharing the journey at times. Journeys that no road-map can direct you on. When feeling lost is both terrifying and an exciting adventure.

I thought about the road I was currently on, in part at least, and how different it was driving it this time – thankfully not marking the end of a relationship – compared to a time when I drove it more often. 

  

 

My attention kept returning to Orion's Belt; sometimes in front of me, sometimes to my left. I find the stars comforting, no matter which night sky I look up at; whether through a sunroof, a windshield, or no glass at all. I like the reminder that we are but one small piece of this big beautiful space. I like the seemingly constancy of it, though I know it too is ever-evolving. I like that, while I am driving, I have nothing to do but marvel at things like the night sky. I like that driving, much like the night sky, has been there for me through tears and smiles; through endings and new beginnings; through sunsets, moon-rises and stars. And I like that driving continues to be there for me, always offering time and space to just be.

Every Decision Counts

The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. 

Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it.

~ Steve Jobs

 

I remember saying to a friend at the beginning of February:  

 

“This is the month that good shit is going to happen!”

I just had a feeling that things were going to start to fall into place, particularly with starting my business. For the most part they did fairly easily and quickly. In fact I couldn't help but think every now and then, that it was almost too easy... I know I should listen to my friends' encouragements to just enjoy the process as it unfolds, to not look nor wait for the obstacles. That they may occur and will be resolved in their own time. And quite likely that if I just keep focused on the good stuff and the end goal, that the obstacles and disappointments along the way may not seem so important, rather a step on the journey.

When I started writing the blog for this week, that was to be the topic: not fully appreciating and enjoying the good by waiting for these obstacles. But as I wrote, I started to realize something else...

Early in February I was watching an episode of one of my current TV interests, and heard one character ask another:

“What is it you want to do with your life?”

Following her response, he said:

“Then every decision you make should be leading you towards that goal.”

Those words struck a cord with me and I realized how easy it is to distract ourselves with decisions that really have nothing to do with our true goals and desires. What would happen if I started to view every decision I made as leading me towards my goal of opening my own private counselling practice? So I started repeating those words to myself whenever I was faced with a decision: decisions about finalizing and furnishing office space; confirming a clinical supervisor; activities to engage in during my “spare” time; and who to connect or network with in the community. And seemingly less relevant, every day decisions about my appearance and behavioural presentation when in public; time spent visiting family and friends out of town; time spent and activities engaged in with friends in town; how to respond to the text from that cute guy asking me to hang out...

Simply asking myself, “how will this decision lead me towards my goal” helped to keep the goal in the forefront of my mind. Even when the decision didn’t directly impact it.

It wasn't that I became obsessed with this goal. I definitely allowed myself down time, choosing to relax and indulge in other activities I enjoyed like playing my guitar and watching Netflix. Simply because sometimes a break is as important as the work.

I also found myself thinking about some of the other areas of my life that I wanted to focus on and give attention to. Things like my friendships, my family, the possibility of a romantic relationship. Things like writing for an on-line dating blog and keeping up with my own personal blog, making music, reading for pleasure, cooking healthy meals, baking treats, and attempting to maintain some kind of a fitness routine. And so I added these to the list of “how will this decision lead me towards my goal(s).”

As I look back over the past 6 weeks I am starting to see how much that one simple question impacted my activities and progress. Perhaps equally important is that I have thoroughly enjoyed most if not all of the activities I engaged in. Knowing that my decisions are moving me towards the goals that I have for myself and reflecting the areas of my life that I want to be developing and giving attention to has in some ways, without me even realizing it, given new meaning to all that I do. Watching Netflix is no more a waste of time or mindless distraction. It is a relaxing break I enjoy and allow myself to indulge in!

Ok, so maybe Netflix is still a mindless distraction sometimes. But I'm putting less stress and pressure on my daily life. I feel like I am accomplishing something every day, which increases my motivation and a sense of achievement in the process. All because of one little question that I started asking myself over and over again:

How will this decision lead me towards my goal(s)?