Cleaning House

Have nothing in your home that you do not know to be useful 

or believe to be beautiful.

~ William Morris

 

I have this dream sometimes, about a house with lots of rooms. It's not always the same house, though there are a few I have visited more than once in my sleep. But always the house has many rooms – sometimes multiple kitchens, living/rec rooms, bathrooms, bedrooms. Sometimes there have even been secret hidden passage ways for moving between rooms! 

 

Dream interpretations will tell you that a house is a symbol for the self. The various rooms represent different aspects of the self, and whichever are prominent in the dream point towards which aspect(s) of the self to pay attention to. The presence of many rooms may be suggesting a choice to be made with many possible options. For me, I think the multiple rooms sometimes represented things from my past that I had not fully let go of – people, possibilities/opportunities, choices or decisions left unfinished; thus not truly allowing space for new rooms to flourish.

In the last couple of weeks I have cut some of those ties. I stumbled upon and sought out opportunities for closure. More importantly, I wanted to find closure and cut ties. To let go of the lingering stale energies. To walk away from the potential drama. To release the fear of having nothing there. To create space for the possibility of something new or different.

Some of the ties were easy to cut. Others, not so much. One or two may still have tiny threads not completely frayed loose. And still there are probably more that need attending to. Not all at once. Not necessarily in the light of some significant situation. Rather an awareness of what around me is bringing me energy and life; and what around me is draining.

This week I had a dream about a smaller house full of people. A few familiar faces, but many not so. Cramped into a tiny kitchen, living room, one bathroom, and too few bedrooms. I had the distinct feeling that this was not ok. I wanted my own space back. Perhaps this was a reflection that in my awake life I have been cleaning house. No longer are there empty rooms for stuff to linger. In the most endearing way possible, I hear myself saying: “If you don't fit in my house, get the f* out!”

I want to be a Selfish-people-pleaser

"Every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling "This is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!" 

And every day, it's up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, "No. This is what's important."
~ Iain S. Thomas. 

What's harmful gets no more of my attention. I'm not wrestling with the ignorant; instead, I'm celebrating real heroes, steps in the right direction, victories, progress and love. I choose what's good and fun and smart and supportive from here on in. Now I'm fighting like I know I'm winning - because I am.

~ Asia Nelson

One of the things I am loving about my close friendships in my 30s is that many of us are struggling with some learning-/growth-potential experiences; together!

Let me clarify – it's not that I love that we are all struggling with sh!t... Though I know the growth/learning potential is good and important, I also know the struggling still sucks. Rather I love walking beside, hearing about, and watching the learning & growth that happens! It's so exciting to hear someone say “Ok, I get it now... that's why that happened, this is what I'm taking from it, and here's what I'm gonna do about it.”

(No surprise then for the career I've now chosen)

The other thing I love about it – sometimes in a friend's a-ha! moment, I learn something too!

Case in point just the other week when Friend said something along the lines of “I want to stop worrying about everyone else, and every day do only what is going to make me happy!”

Sound a little selfish?

Maybe.

But maybe not when you put it in the context of what makes Friend happy: spending time with family, friends, alone; working, playing, relaxing...

If what makes Friend happy is not only ensuring self needs/wants are met, but also those of loved ones – then what makes Friend happy may actually become Selfish-people-pleasing. When Friend is happy, loved ones are happy (at least in the context of Friend)... when loved ones are happy, Friend is happy.

It's a balance thing – all things in moderation?!

So if Friend wakes up and decides today I want to spend time with family/Partner/friend(s) – both self and family/Partner/friend(s) benefit from the time spent together.

Self-pleased + people-pleased = selfish-people-pleasing!

If Friend wakes up and decides today I want to spend time by myself – the self benefits from the rejuvenation time. BUT – family/Partner/friend(s) indirectly benefits from this too because Friend will likely be more rested, balanced, and eager to spend time with and support family/Partner/friend(s) when/if they need it.

Self-pleased + indirectly (and/or eventually) people-pleased = Selfish-people-pleasing!

I think it's important though, that the Selfish part comes before the people-pleasing. We hear this all the time in the social services field – self-care, self-care, self-care is pounded into our heads. Because we can only take care of others (people-please) when we first take care of ourselves (Selfish).

I can hear some of my friends and family who have children balking with a “Yeah, but...” And while I know I can't wholeheartedly defend this idea in that light because I am not a parent – and there will certainly be exceptional times when the people-pleasing will need to trump the Selfish (whether a parent or not) – I will argue that a) (hopefully) caring for your child(ren) does in some ways fit under the category of “things that make me happy”; and b) I'll say it again: if we are not taking proper care of ourselves we are less able to take proper care of our loved ones – including our children. Added bonus: you are potentially teaching your children that taking care of self is important and valuable; and helping them to become Selfish-people-pleasers too!

 

 

So dear friends, if you feel so inclined to benefit from another's a-ha! moment as I would like to, then I encourage you to yank your hand back and become a Selfish-people-pleaser. And allow your loved ones the freedom and space to do and be the same. Perhaps we can all benefit from every day doing what is going to make me happy!

Practice Less ~ Perform More

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.
~ Salvador Dali

They say that nobody is perfect.

Then they tell you that practice makes perfect.

I wish they'd make up their minds.

~ Winston Churchill

I walked into the auditorium for a sound-check to the soul-ful melody of Hallelujah, paused by the emotion hinting at wisdom and experience beyond the years of this young musician. “I have to share a stage with her tonight?” I thought nervously.

Truth was, I had not practised my own songs nearly as much as I normally like to before performing. One had only been selected and learned two days before this anniversary celebration of a community I had grown up in. And it had been months since I'd stepped on stage, guitar in hand, to perform; much longer since I'd played piano in front of an audience. As I walked on stage later that day, the last thought that ran through my head was “Well, it is what it is. They won't be perfect, but here I go anyway!” My fingers stumbled over some of the guitar chords, my voice wavered on a few notes, and I got lost once or twice at the piano keys. But I'm pretty sure no one noticed except me.

Evidenced by my sister-in-law's comments afterwards: I think that's one of the best performances of yours that I've seen. You seemed relaxed, and like you were really enjoying yourself up there!

While I'm not sure I could agree on the first part, I did realize with her comment that it probably was one of my most enjoyable performances. With my final thoughts stepping on stage I had taken away the internal pressure to be perfect and let the music and performance be what it was going to be. I let myself get lost in the experience. Something that my previous performance anxieties and slightly perfectionist tendencies have not always allowed me to do.

This 2-month old experience came flooding back to me just the other week during a conversation with a friend about wanting a particular situation to be perfect. Perfect is over-rated, I said. There is often so much more fun to be had in the messy, raw, possibly-mistake-ridden realness that comes out of being authentic, present, and true to self. Stripping away the pressure and expectation, allowing the experience to unfold as it will.

Wanting to live out those words, and knowing that singing is typically where I experience the most anxiety about performing perfectly, I took some risks at the karaoke bar shortly after. I sang songs that I usually shy away from while ignoring the voice in my head that cautioned my laryngitis-recovering vocal chords. The next week I jumped on stage at an open-mic night without having rehearsed recently at all. Neither experience went perfectly well... but no one seemed to care. And I had fun!

These experiences have left me with a desire to practice less and perform more – both literally with music, and metaphorically in other areas of my life. 

I want to find more enjoyment in getting lost in a moment that unfolds in all the messy, mistake-ridden, authentic ways that it will. Because perfect really is over-rated!

Something in me has changed

(** Summer is here! Which may mean sporadic posting on my blog... But if I miss a week here and there, rest assurred I am enjoying the sun & will be back soon with even more to say!**)

 

"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can wear..."

I could feel the stares as I walked through the parking lot beside the sports bar. The guys enjoying a beer and a cigarette on the patio. Watching, passing comments to each other, and watching again. A situation I have never found truly comfortable, but it felt even less so this time. Particularly as it was mid-afternoon; the sun shining high in the sky. 

Something in me has changed.

I felt it a few weeks ago too. On 3 separate occasions over as many weeks, in a different bar. Drinks bought, dance moves shared, an attempt at a kiss... Not interested.

But more than just not interested. Because I used to find some of this interest-expressing ritual fun and flirty and esteem-boosting. Feeling I had all the power about how far the interaction might go. Enjoying the free drink and the insinuation of being attractive, sexy, interesting... if only as far as the drinks keep flowing and the music keeps playing and the bodies keep moving and the moon keeps shining.

You see, I truly have grown into my confidence. Meaning that I didn't always know I was a beautiful woman; I didn't always know I was amazing. And so years ago when I started to notice people noticing; when I started to notice guys noticing... I liked it! I played with it. It was fun and flirty and esteem-boosting.

But something in me has changed.

A friend's voice from months ago has been echoing in my head periodically ever since:

“Are you afraid to not be seen that way?"

Back when I started to notice people -guys- noticing, I started to notice myself. My interest and confidence in my physical appearance began to grow. So what does it mean if people -guys- stop noticing?

It should mean nothing if my confidence is based on something solid, real and true. It should mean nothing if I recognize my beauty and amazing-ness as something deeper than my physical appearance. It should mean nothing...

My knee-jerk reaction to my friend's question was defensive. But my lingering gut feeling was probably more to the truth. Yes, perhaps I am. Perhaps my oft-questioning of Am I enough? stems from a confidence that has not been based on something completely solid, real and true. And should others -guys- stop noticing... it would mean something.

So something in me has changed.

I can tell because many of those interest-expressing rituals no longer feel fun and flirty and esteem-boosting. More often they have become annoying. Illiciting thoughts of “Do you not know there is more to me than what you see here?” Feeding a stronger desire to connect with people on an intellectual and emotional level, than on a physical level. Building relationships which in turn have strengthened a confidence that is based on something more solid, real and true – based on who I am as a complete person inside and out, and not on what I look like.

Am I afraid to not be seen that way?

Yes, truthfully in part I am. Our culture's focus on youth and beauty ensures this fear never fades completely.

But – I am even more afraid to not be seen in all the beautiful, amazing, multi-faceted and complex attributes that make up my entire person.

Because something in me has changed!

My Dad

I'm gonna love you forever, forever and ever, amen

As long as old men sit and talk about the weather

As long as old women sit and talk about old men

~ Forever & Ever Amen, Randy Travis

After hanging up from a phone call to my parents the other day, I thought to myself “I miss my Mom.” You see Dad had answered the phone.

Typically in the past on the rare occasion that this happened, the conversation would be relatively short-lived. I would ask him about any recent or up-coming trips on the truck; he would ask me how my car was running or how work was going. After a minute or two he would say, “Well your mother's right here, just a second” - and an hour or so later after telling and hearing all the family news that had transpired in the days between phone calls Mom and I would say good bye too.

But in the last few weeks it has been a rare occasion that Mom answers the phone. Instead it is Dad's voice offering an update on how Mom is feeling, what the Dr. said at their last appointment, asking me how my apartment search is going and if I have had any new clients recently.

Because at the end of this round of treatment, Mom's body is run down and she is using all of her energy reserves to recover. Progress reports have been positive! But we are still in the middle of this waiting game – waiting for side effects to subside, waiting for strength and energy to re-build, waiting to see what the next round of treatment will be in the fall, waiting... 

Dad said it best the last time I was home and asked how he was doing - “Impatient!”

As often happens in the midst of struggle and challenge, there are hidden gems to find if you look in the right places. Connecting with Dad in this different way – building and strengthening our relationship in order to better support each other through this waiting game and in general – is one I have found!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The song Forever and Ever Amen by Randy Travis came on the radio the other day, and I thought of my parents. Like I always do when hearing this song. When it got to the lines:

 

They say time takes it's toll on a body,

Makes the young girl's brown hair turn grey

But honey I don't care, I ain't in love with your hair

And if it all fell out, well I'd love you anyway

it took on a slightly deeper meaning for me. Watching Dad cope in this situation, finding strength inside himself that he maybe never needed before – it is heart-filling! To see his own personal growth, but also to watch the deep love between my parents in action. Nothing short of inspiring...

  

 

They say women often find themselves in relationships with men that in some ways resemble their father's character. 

I say: I hope so!

Questions to change the way I'm treated

If you really believed that you deserve better, then you would have it. 
Work on you, not them.

~ Doe Zantamata

I noticed a pattern of response in myself last week. I remember it happened years ago when a relationship ended – my knee-jerk reaction to other's anger and criticism was to defend him: 

~ I really do believe that most people do the best they can with what they have in any given situation. ~

I have had similar sentiments at least twice since then, in similar situations. Situations where words or actions or lack thereof seemed unfair, disrespectful, selfish. Situations where it may have been justified to forget the prince and condemn the a$$hole. Situations that left me hurting. Still... one to always at least try to view things from the other perspective, to acknowledge my own role in how various situations and relationships play out... my knee-jerk reaction is to defend the humanness.

But the other day when I heard myself saying those words... I stopped mid-thought:
What if part of the reason I believe that and jump to defend it so quickly is because that way of interaction in relationships and relationship's end has been the majority of my experience? What if I expect and then defend it because it is mostly all that I have known?

What if my questioning of do we really deserve better? is in part because I have rarely experienced better – or even different?

I suppose I could put all that on the other people in my life, the ones who have been key members in the situations referred to above. But I'm not one to pass off responsibility for personal growth and learning. And besides, if Dr Phil's words: We teach people how to treat us are really true, well then clearly I have some work to do on myself in order to find different – or even better.

I've noticed some changes already, in allowing and reinforcing certain interactions; and in stopping others. I have pulled back from some relationships/friendships; and changed or pushed more in others. And I remember having done this periodically in the past, with friendships that were not supporting or serving me in a way I wanted my relationships to do so. But there is still more to learn. I want to step back and pay attention to how I interact with others; how they interact with me. How do I allow or encourage others to interact with me? Is this different, depending on the type of relationship? What am I teaching others about how I want to be treated?

Or perhaps more importantly - How do I want to be treated? And then how do I teach people to treat me that way?

I still believe that most people do the best they can with what they have in any given situation. But sometimes people are just selfish, disrespectful, or too chicken-sh!t to do what they know is best. That part I cannot ever change. I can, however, pay attention to earlier warning signs and not allow in my life the people that have difficulty learning to treat me the way I want to be treated; dare I say the way I deserve to be treated!

Do we really deserve better?

"It sounded old. Deserve. Old and tired and beaten to death. Deserve. Now it seemed to him that he was always saying or thinking that he didn't deserve some bad luck, or some bad treatment from others...

Apparently he thought he deserved only to be loved--from a distance, though--and given what he wanted. And in return he would be...what? Pleasant? Generous? Maybe all he was really saying was: I am not responsible for your pain; share your happiness with me but not your unhappiness." 

~ Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

It's a common phrase of empathy and encouragement when something like a relationship ends - “You deserve better!” And lately it's one that has really rubbed me the wrong the way. I'm not sure if it's the word deserve or better or the combination of the two, but lately I've been wondering ~

do you we really deserve better?

And what does that mean anyway?

In my most recent experience of hearing those words, in some ways it felt de-valuing of the good that existed in that person; in that relationship; in that experience. And there was a lot of good! I don't necessarily need better still, but I would like more of that.

In some ways it sets me up for constant disappointment. I would think that my standards and expectations are already high. If I found disappointment in my last experience with so much good, how can I truly expect better without disappointment next time? Every human being makes mistakes; makes decisions that affect others. Sometimes it is possible to move past them and continue to build a stronger relationship. Sometimes it may signify that something is just not quite right and means ending a relationship that was otherwise good. Perhaps better overall is not what is needed; rather different.

In some ways it fosters and feeds a sense of passive entitlement that, I would argue, is not beneficial in any kind of relationship. This is perhaps the part that rubs the most. Why do I deserve better? In all our interactions I think every one of us has a responsibility to treat each other with basic decency. Beyond that probably depends on the relationship – but I would expect genuine care and respect for anything beyond a mere acquaintance. Not because I deserve it, but because we have earned it with each other as the relationship builds. And it's absence in a closer relationship does not necessarily equate a need for better overall, rather the respect for self to do what is needed for it to grow; whether in that relationship or a different one.

I am not advocating for “settling” with my rant here. And yes, there are many examples where it is in someone's best interest to walk away from a relationship or situation that is not healthy or safe and find better – at the very least, basic decency. But no one is perfect. Expecting that will only lead to disappointment. Sometimes we may need to weigh the good with the frustrating; we may need to take the good with the annoying. Sometimes we may all need a reminder that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. And even if it is, it likely didn't get that way without some TLC.

Rather than looking at my past experiences with a dismissive, passive, entitled “I deserve better” – I want to take the good and look forward to future experiences. Learning how I can find more of the good; how I can contribute to different that might lead towards building something stronger; how I can bring more opportunities for genuine care and respect to develop; how I can maintain the self-respect to know when to do what is needed where I am, and when to move on to something different.

And maybe with that I will indeed find better. Not because I deserve it, but because I do my best to continue making what I have in each moment better.

Tell me what you think:
I would really like to hear your thoughts on this question, do we really deserve better?, and what that means for you. Especially if they differ from mine. What have been your experiences – past or present, whether about a relationship or some other situation – with the encouragement of deserving better?

“If I'm so f#@king amazing, why is he dating her?”

“Are you one of those people who says on a first date, 'I'm really not in a hurry to meet somebody, I figure if it happens, it happens'? Because those are the most desperate people of all. I'm just saying this so that if you are this person, you aren't hiding it from anybody.
There is no shame in being hungry for another person. There is no shame in wanting very much to share your life with somebody.”   

~ Augusten Burroughs 

This Is How: Proven Aid in Overcoming Shyness, Molestation, Fatness, Spinsterhood, 

Grief, Disease, Lushery, Decrepitude & More. For Young and Old Alike.

“If I'm so f#@king amazing, why is he dating her?”

That thought ran through my head more than once as people tried to offer uplifting reassurance. It wasn't directed at any particular he or her. Just a general statement about others who seem to have an easier time finding or more so maintaining a relationship, that reflected the space I was in at that time.

You're such an amazing woman, you'll find someone...

You're so amazing, you deserve better...

You're so amazing, it'll happen for you...

In those moments I wanted to scream so many things in response. Instead I just did my best to paste on a smile and nod appreciatively.

But the truth is – that's not helpful. At least for me it wasn't.

Because truthfully, and not to sound full of myself, I know. Ending relationships and being single, again, does not wreck havoc with my self-esteem or confidence. That's not the frustrating or dis-heartening part for me. I know I have strengths and weaknesses; I know I have attractive qualities and a lot to offer my friendships and relationships. In short, I know I'm amazing!

At this point in my life the part that is frustrating and dis-heartening is that I find myself wanting...

Over the years I have heard so many conflicting messages about this wanting. Initially it was expected that by a certain age a relationship would just happen – the traditional life path of education, marriage, career, house, kids that so many of my family before me and peers beside me followed. There was no question of wanting this path, it just was.

As I found the path diverging however, for those of us without a relationship the message changed to don't want. It became one of patience and self-focus. No relationship meant you weren't yet ready for one; there were things you needed to work on in yourself first. No relationship meant you needed to be happy with yourself and your life. The focus became creating your own happiness – be happy with where you are and what you have.

Don't go looking for it, it will find you

When you stop wanting it; stop looking for it; stop waiting for it, it will find you.

The path diverged further for me, to not wanting. At least not in the traditional sense. The message here was empowerment, independence, strength. Not wanting was equated with not needing. Dreams were chased, goals defined, happiness created. For a time, at least.

Now what?

My path is diverging again, perhaps? I know there is more I want to chase, pursue, and create in my life-time. But there are times when I think: I am tired of doing all that on my own. It is true that this wanting feels strong in my lonely moments; in my weak moments. But those moments pass. This wanting now also feels strong in the moments of chasing dreams I wish to tell and realize with someone; of goals I wish to encourage and celebrate with someone; of happiness I wish to share with someone.

And so now what? What do I do with this wanting that for so many years I have heard to not? I struggle with it, feeling it is somehow wrong to want, to put that desire out there, and to pursue a potential relationship with longer-term hopes.

But perhaps being able to name it, accept it, and pursue with hope is one of the growth pieces I have been missing. Perhaps there is a healthy, empowered, independent way of wanting? One that does not go desperately looking for it; but rather patiently waits and is ready when opportunity presents.

“If I'm so f#@king amazing, why is he dating her?”

Because maybe she is also f#@king amazing. And really one has absolutely nothing to do with other.

Nuggets of Hope

When your eyes are tired the world is tired also.
When your vision has gone no part of the world can find you.
Time to go into the dark where the night has eyes to recognize its own.

There you can be sure you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb tonight.
The night will give you a horizon further than you can see.
You must learn one thing: the world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you. 

~David Whyte

(bold emphasis is my edit!)

 

A few weeks ago I wrote about denouncing the month of “meh”; about viewing my situation at the time as an opportunity to re-connect rather than retreat; with the hope that by the end of the month I could say “I loved this month”...

Well you know what they sometimes say: things may get worse before they start to get better.

Last week I hit a low point. Understandably discouraged, overwhelmed, lonely, frustrated. And losing hope. That last piece came as a surprise to me because in all of my past low moments – of being discouraged with my own situation, with my failures or lack of progress, with my relationships or lack thereof, with the state of the world we live in – there was always a small, nagging morsel of hope longing to be heard. Offering reassurance and encouragement to keep pushing forward. That, as the saying goes, this too shall pass. Sometimes it was harder to hear or took longer to break through the empty silence, but it was always there.

When I realized I could not hear even it's faintest whisper, I also realized I do not know how to do this without hope. I do not know how to pull myself out of this without hope.

I thought to myself even if that hope goes forever unrealized; even if it is empty, blind, or naive, I need to find it again and hold onto it in order to keep pushing forward.

It's funny sometimes how the Universe will bring to you the things you need when you need them, if you only open your eyes to see. Nuggets of hope began to come my way -

In the unlikely friend who called three days in a row to check on me and drag me outside for a walk by the water.

In the friend's voice reminding me: “You won't always feel this way.”

In the friend's trusting questioning: “I wonder who he will be...?”

In the friend's at first seemingly out of place response yet acknowledging the opportunity that grows from these spaces: “I am excited for you!”

In the innocent acceptance and play of nieces and nephews.

In the genuine laughter that flowed from re-connecting with a friend from a distance.

In the fulfilling of a long-ago commitment to share music with a community from my childhood.

In the invite for a much-needed night out with different friends.

Even in random quotes appearing on Facebook.

Hope had not been lost – it was just being safely held in different places, and handed back to me in pieces when I needed it and more importantly was ready for it again. Whether they did so consciously or not, I am grateful for the people in my life that are able and willing to do that for me and with me.

So it's been a long month. A tough month for more than just myself, as stories are passed back and forth among friends, family, and co-workers. But the nugget of hope I can offer is that today is the last day of this month. Tomorrow, a new one begins again!